¿DATE HIM OR HIS RESUME?

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You are a single on-the-rise, working your way up in the ranks, you’re happy and pursuing your dreams to the fullest. The majority of your days are spent working and lets face it there aren't that many available men in sight at your high-powered workplace. But there’s this one man at your job that has your undivided attention: his scent drives you crazy, his charming smile gives you butterflies, and his skin tone beautiful. You know, deep down, you’re single in-part because you’re so picky … yet you can’t find a flaw on this man. He approaches you nearly everyday with small talk and makes sure he slides in a compliment or two about your outfit, even on your worst days he acknowledges you. On top of all his compliments and nice gestures he leaves you with a package EVERY single time you see him.

That package … that guaranteed package … happens to come from the company mail room … that’s because he’s a mail room clerk. Affectionately known as the company “delivery boy!”

The only thing standing between you and him is his résumé. The chemistry between you and him is undeniable. But your standards won’t let you venture beyond fantasizing about the idea of you and him making passionate love in a hot and steamy mail room. You've played this scene out thousands of times in your head … but in reality you quiver at the thought of showing up at the company Christmas party with him. Not because you’re shallow but because you truly desire to be paired with your equal on a career level, among other things.

You want the best for you and your top priority is having a man that‘s either your equal or above your standards. That’s fair. You have and maintain a certain standard of living, a standard of income, a standard of intelligence, and your standard of a man is that he meet you halfway or exceed your standards. It’s that simple. You’ve heard the argument time-and-time again “your standards are unrealistic,” but you refuse to buy-in to the naysayers because you, yourself, are living these “unrealistic” standards of having a well-paying job, a solid education, and the resources needed to live comfortably. You know your equal is out there and you feel no pressure what so ever to explain that a man must meet you where you are (mentally, spiritually, and financially too!).

On paper (his résumé) as a mail room clerk can’t compare to your achievements, but, as a man, he’s everything else you desire. This is a challenge that many of we gay men face, the choice between dating him OR dating his résumé.

¡GET OUT OF YOUR DATING COMFORT-ZONE!

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We've all heard that simplistic definition of insanity.  That it’s “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” And the lunacy is especially ridiculous when those repetitive results are damaging. So while we may use that rule at work or in the home, why don’t we apply that philosophy to the men that we date?

Many of us have friends that date a different man every other month or so, he would bring in a new boyfriend for an introduction and then immediately begin to complain about him the ‘relationship’ when he is with just his friends. He would give us the same ole story. He didn’t do this or he isn’t good @ that, yada, yada…The same basic assessment for about every man he has dated.

Yet he always seemed genuinely surprised when his current ‘boyfriend’ end up exactly like the last one did.  But why?  Why does he expect a different result from the men that he dates when they’re nothing more than carbon copies of the ones who came before?

Insanity.  And until you do something, or date someone different, you’ll repeat the same sorry results over and over again.

So here are a few tips you can use to try to break the cycle:

A BORING FIRST DATE: ¿WOULD YOU TRY AGAIN?

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You’ve probably heard this a million times: “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” While this sentiment is often used to keep us prepared and on our toes, when it comes to dating and mating, first impressions are often times misleading.

Think about it.

When you first meet a guy, the two of you are most likely putting your best foot forward. You may be out at a mixer or lounge, head held high with a flirty smile dancing at the corners of your mouth. Your laugh is easy and your conversation is engaging. And he is doing his best to be attentive, polite, and oh-so manly. At that moment your representatives are getting along just fine, but will it translate into a match? When you peal back the layers, will the two of you still be able to get it on?

I know not all relationships are built on physical attraction and that delicious bit of nervousness you feel in your stomach, but I’d be lying if I said those things didn’t matter at all. They do. That little something you can’t quite put your finger on that makes you think about that person long after they’ve gone was missing, and you questioned whether or not another date (or two) was in order before relegating this guy to the friend file.

How have you handled a first date that left you feeling lukewarm? Did you go out again or did you just move on to the next one?

AGE: ¿DOES MAKING FRIENDS GET HARDER AS IT INCREASES?

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Friendship is unencumbered when we’re young, before we have responsibilities, obligations, and complications that keep us from maintaining our connections. By senior year of high school, we’ve probably experienced our first few falling-outs. We may have lost a bestie we thought we’d always have. By the time we start dating [seriously], the wo/man we have as a best friend may be a completely different person than the one we imagined filling the role. If we’re lucky, our earliest friends remain our best friends throughout our lives. But what if we’re unlucky in friendship? What if by our late twenties and thirties, we’ve relocated, started families, and lost those deep connections that once meant more to us than almost any other relationship we had?

In his New York Times article, “Friends of a Certain Age,” Alex Williams discusses the various impediments to forging close and long-lasting bonds with new people later in life:

In your 30s and 40s, plenty of new people enter your life, through work, children’s play dates, and, of course, Facebook. But actual close friends — the kind you make in college, the kind you call in a crisis — those are in shorter supply.

As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change, and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.

No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: The period for making BFFs, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: KOFs (kind of friends) — for now.

What do you think? Is it any harder for you to make close friends as you get older? Have you been able to maintain your childhood, high school, and college friendships as adult life has increased its demands?

CATERING & SPOILING: ¿IS THERE A THIN LINE?

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How do you know when you are crossing the line of catering to your man to spoiling him? It can be a difficult line to see at times, but once it is crossed we wish we could go back to the other side.

Catering to your man is something that should be done on occasion or just when you feel like doing something special for him. Spoiling is when he receives that “king” treatment every day to the point that he waits for you to put out his meals for him because he has never had to do that himself. The sad thing is that a man that is spoiled doesn’t necessarily mean that he is lazy, but rather this is the lifestyle that YOU have gotten him used to. You know what I mean, making sure there is always cooked food waiting on the stove, preparing his plate, bringing it to him along with anything else he needs to enjoy his food, making sure the place is spic and span, giving him a massage as you ask him about his day, always doing the dishes and taking up his plate after he is done and still walk around looking sexy. SMH and the one time you don’t do these things he looks at you like you lost your mind or, better yet, he will just sit there and wait for you to do all the things he is accustomed to.

When our men are spoiled it is no one’s fault but our own. I do believe in treating my man as a king as long as he treats me like a king in return. The catering treatment has to go both ways and when it doesn’t it should be addressed.

There is a reason some men have to hold back from putting everything on display when in a relationship. You start off slow with a meal here and there, a massage sometimes, walking around in something sexy at other times so that he recognizes this as a “treat” rather than something you are required to do. You have to make sure he understands that he still has to pull his weight.

Don’t get me wrong, I love catering to my man, but the absolute best is when he returns the gesture. There is nothing like coming home to a clean house, food cooked and your man rubbing or kissing your feet just to show how much he appreciates you and all that you do.

Let your man know that you do what you do out of your love for him and that is it NOT an obligation. I notice that with some couples there is a complaint that treating the other like a “king” has become a chore and something he doesn't enjoy anymore because it is EXPECTED more than APPRECIATED.

Basically, always make sure to draw that line between catering and spoiling whether you are in a fresh relationship or in something more serious. Treat him like a king as long as he treats you like a king.

¿WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION OF SEXY?

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¿What’s your definition of sexy? What makes your partner sexy (or not)?

¿HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE OVER HIM?

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Picture this scenario; a close friend of yours dropped one of those “between us gay guys” bombs: he’d just broken up with his boyfriend of a few years. The breakup came out of nowhere and he was feeling sad but positive about the whole thing. He viewed it as a learning experience, a chance to grow, and saw him as someone who may one day be a friend again.

It’s never easy to let go of a relationship; however when I am going through a break up it is SO hard to accept that things will be okay {eventually}. When my gut NO longer quivered for an ex of mine in any way (positive or negative) I know that I am fine. What about you? How do you know when you’re over a relationship?

IN RELATIONSHIPS, ¿DO WE REALLY WANT THE TRUTH?

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I’ve seen this scene play out in real life countless times–from issues of cheating, to being unable to commit, to lying–and it’s ALWAYS left me shaking my head. If you knew what your relationship is/was from the beginning, why overlook the truth?

Do you think when people get into relationships…can they really handle the difficult truths? In relationships, do we REALLY want the truth?

I SPY: ¿DO YOU SNOOP ON YOUR PARTNER?

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Do you know anyone that is constantly on the hunt for evidence that their partner is cheating on them? You know the ones that hack Facebook and Twitter accounts, check cell phones, break into voicemails, check receipts and piece together intricate timelines based on answers received from the lengthy questioning of their partner. If you ask any of these people why they do it they’ll tell you it’s because “men cheat” or because they want to make sure they aren’t getting “played.” They’ll tell you they’re justified in their actions and that they wouldn’t mind if their partner checked their phone, etc because they have nothing to hide.

Personally….I think they’re all nuts. I come from the train of thought that says what’s done in the dark always comes to light. I don’t have to snoop or look for evidence because your foolishness will catch up with you sooner or later. I just live my life and keep my eyes and ears open, but snoop, never, and just like I thought, everything came to life. Besides, if you feel so strongly in your gut that something is going on then something usually is. Your instincts are usually all the evidence you need that something might not be right. The problem is most of us ignore our guts in favor of finding physical proof to substantiate what we’ve known all along.

I think most people snoop because of insecurity. They have been hurt before, lied to and cheated on so their trust has been damaged, maybe not by the present person, but you know what they say, the son will pay for the sins of the father…the same goes for new partners paying for the sins of the ex. Most of us never start a new relationship with a truly clean slate, we carry residual baggage from the previous relationships with us, often whether we realize it or not and that causes us to look for trouble where there might not be any. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to snoop on your partner. The mature thing to do would be to have a discussion with them about how you’re feeling (notice I said discuss, not confront. People naturally get defensive when confronted which only raises more suspicion) and if you still feel like something is going on, then take a step back and reevaluate the situation. You don’t want to go around snooping only to find nothing in the end. The snooping will only cause the lack of trust between you two to deepen and without trust any relationship will be destined to fail.

¿Have you ever snooped? 


¿Is it ever okay to snoop on your partner?

MONOGAMY REDEFINED...

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Samuel Colt & Chris Porter, two adult film stars, find l’amour.

COLT (Left) We met in 2010 on Twitter. His picture was cute, so I started chatting with him. I was doing an appearance at View Bar. That’s what I do a lot—travel to bars and strip down to underwear and dance. I said, “Why don’t you come and say, Hi? ” I never do that.

PORTER I got there right at the beginning. I said, “Hey,” and he was like, “Do I know you?” I was, like, “Bitch, you told me to come here.” And then he remembered. We went into the basement and proceeded to make out. He had a scene the next day, so we couldn’t have sex. The next time we saw each other was at a convention the following month, and that’s when I knew I liked him. When I had to leave, I was bummed I was going back to New York and he was going to San Francisco. I didn’t know when I would see him again. I tweeted that I wanted to move. And he responded that his roommate had moved out. The next month, I moved in with him. But there was this guy there he was dating that
he met the day before I met him. I was like, Damn.

COLT I didn’t know that he had those intentions! I couldn’t have sex with a roommate. That’s a good policy! But every time we’d go out of town and do appearances together, we would have sex the entire time.

PORTER We’d go home and act like it didn’t happen. A couple of months later, he broke up with the guy, and I was secretly, like, Yes! At Folsom, we hooked up with this couple together.

COLT It was romantic, it really was. We had anonymous strangers abusing us, but we were having an intimate moment. Then, we went to HustlaBall in Berlin, and that’s when we really started to like each other. The heterosexual view of being faithful is so outdated. We don’t have to have sex only with each other to be faithful. I’m completely faithful to him, emotionally and with my heart. I can still get gang-banged and want to go back home to him.

PORTER We didn’t want monogamy. We knew that wouldn’t work. We’re both horny all of the time. We have rules. We don’t hook up with someone if we’re in the same city without the other one being involved. But if he’s out of town, I’ll hook up with someone. I’ll call and be like, “Is that OK?” We’re honest and communicate.

THOUGHTS?

RETHINKING THE DATING GAME

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How many of you have officially thrown in the towel, give up and said, ‘I don't know what men want and I no longer care. So I've stepped out of the “dating pool”, dried myself off and left the damn resort?’

What is the game plan going forward?

¿WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM YOUR EX?

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Breaking up with an ex is never easy. If you were in love and things later soured, the split could have easily left you feeling scarred and angry. But once your pain dissipates and you’ve had a little time to reflect, sometimes you can be thankful that your ex left you with a few lessons that will help you in the future.

Thinking back on my past relationships, I can honestly say that I learned quite a bit. Not only did I learn the power of being totally vulnerable with your partner, but I also learned to speak my mind, set boundaries, and not settle for subpar treatment.

Even when relationships don’t work out, we can walk away with lessons that will last a lifetime. What were yours?

Did you learn a lesson from your last relationship?

8 THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS...

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The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after marriage, and how they teach us about what love really means.

"...And they lived happily ever after."

You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of a fairytale ending. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there. Let's face it; marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

12 SIGNS YOU ARE DATING A LOSER

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Don’t let a guy like him happen to you! Check out this list of telltale signs you’re dating a loser. 

THE AFFAIR YOU DON'T KNOW YOU ARE HAVING...

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An e-mail here, a smile there. Maybe that "innocent" friendship with your guy friend isn't so innocent after all....More Than Just Friends? The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they're just as unmistakable. "An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your relationship," explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. "We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage," says Neuman. "And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both."

¿EX MARKS THE SPOT?

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• Sex with an ex can be some of the hottest action in the world, how could it not? You both know exactly how to get each other going, it is like you’re doing something you know is bad for you, and yet that’s exactly why it’s so thrilling. Either way, here are some things to keep in mind when navigating these all too familiar waters.
• 
  
  
  Don’t feel guilty about it.
  • Just because you broke up doesn’t mean everything about that relationship sucked. If the sex was good, embrace those memories.
  • Sex writers like Susie Bright point out that great sex starts in the head—your big head, that is— so if fantasies about your ex help with your J/O sessions then let your mind wander.
  • Fantasizing about an ex during sex is okay… with limits. Studies show that lots of people fantasize about someone other than the person they’re having sex with, but if it’s something you do all the time with your current boyfriend, then that might be a red flag that you’re having a problem in your relationship. One word of advice: “Don’t yell out his name when your orgasm,” says Ruben. “It can complicate things.”
  
  And what if you’re actually hooking up with your ex?
  • Know yourself. If you’re still emotionally attached, don’t do it. It’ll just screw you up.
  • Know his state. It doesn’t matter how good the sex was, if he’s still in love/lust with you then don’t do it. A good lay is no excuse for screwing with someone’s emotions.
  • Enjoy it for what it is—a trick—and don’t get possessive. 
  • Have a grasp on reality. The issues why you broke up are still there, so chances are you won't fall madly in love again. Just go with the flow and don't set expectations.
  • Establish rules between the two of you so that you can enjoy the good stuff and not get wrapped up in the baggage of your old relationship.
  • Decide with your ex how you’ll answer someone who sees you two together and thinks you’re dating again. As Ruben says, "Queens gossip, and someone will find out. So you both need to agree about how you'll handle the rumors once people start talking."
  Remember that this is just sex, and sex is a good thing. So if you can have sex with your ex, either in your imagination or in real life, then you do it in a healthy way and enjoy yourself.
  SOURCE: GAY DOT COM 

BUILDING A HEALTHY GAY RELATIONSHIP

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Is there anything special that you need to know about your first gay relationship? Being a man in a gay relationship is a basically natural process for any gay or bisexual man. You meet someone, there is a mutual attraction, there is an explosive sex life, and then there is the process of bringing two lives together into one. In today’s world, gay men balance more issues than most other identifiable groups.

THE X-MAS HOLIDAYS, CAN THEY MAKE ¿OR? BREAK A RELATIONSHIP

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WOULD YOU END A RELATIONSHIP IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER DIDN'T GET YOU AN X-MAS GIFT? 

WHY 

¿OR? 

WHY NOT...

4 STEPS TO TAKE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE WRONG

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There comes a time in every relationship when words start flying. Those times when, in the heat of the argument, you don’t recognize yourself or your partner. Within a matter of seconds you go from zero to sixty and truly show your crazy side, saying and doing things you know you shouldn't and that you know you'll regret later. But no matter the situation, what’s done is done. After the argument, when you and your partner are both back in character, it's what you do next that can either make or break your relationship: either  forgive, learn and laugh; or damage things to the point of no return. After an argument, it doesn’t matter whether you thought you meant what you said or if you admit it was said out of anger. The only thing that matters now is that you know you were wrong and you’re ready to fix the damage you caused. 

5 MISTAKES YOU MAKE TO SCARE HIM AWAY

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1- Being too easy to please

The truth is that men LOVE compliments! We adore being told we’re hot, irresistible and look sexy. But throw out too many niceties too early on, laugh at all of our jokes (even when we both know they’re not funny), and always want to do what we want to do, and we’ll begin to think you’re being insincere. We’ll also think that you’re only trying to achieve one thing: to get into our pants. While that probably is your endgame, coming off like you have no opinion or spine instantly turns you into one of two things:the TOO-nice guy or the desperate gay man...and no man wants to date either. Instead, make us work for our compliments. We love a challenge and compliments go so much further when we feel we’ve actually earned them.

¡SELF-LOVE IS MY SECRET!

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The other day I was asked, ‘what is the secret to my relationship with noel?’ I often smile when that question is thrown @ me because the person doing the asking sees the same thing in us that we see in each other. I am in no way an expert in LOVE and I will admit that I’ve had MORE than my share of princes that turned into frogs. But years pass by, and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. What I learned from these experiences is that to have true love YOU MUST FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF FIRST. You must stop the madness of forgetting to LOVE your authentic self so that someone else would love the ‘idea’ of you. 

Isn’t it amazing how people consider walking on water a miracle, when the REAL miracle is being alive AND loving ourselves unconditionally in the process? I know most would say that it is such a cliché to talk about LOVING yourself first, but if you think about how could you not? I know that MANY of us grew up being scolded with statements like “Don’t be selfish!” As a result of this well-intentioned message we can find ourselves feeling a little guilty when we put ourselves first. This message somehow caused us to abandon ourselves in order to earn the love that is actually our birthright. Self-abandonment will ALWAYS cause problems for us as we move forward seeking love from others. 

I suppose following the crowd is fine…after all who wants to be all by themselves and lonely while everyone is socializing and peering over @ you like you are THE weirdo? But SELF-LOVE is only the warmest fuzzy feeling that you could ever experience…EVER! It is all about being comfortable in your own skin AND ask yourself, am I someone that I could LOVE, HONOR N’ CHERISH for the rest of my life? celebrating the uniqueness of you…your strengths, gifts, beauty, interests, and desires. So trying to start a relationship with another without it well…So as you go through relationships that tend to accelerate like dog years, ask yourself, am I someone that I could LOVE, HONOR N’ CHERISH for the rest of my life?

COMMITMENT...

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Commitment gathers the many wandering fragments of the energy that is our soul, concentrates the gathered energy, then focuses the beam on goals we set ourselves. It is part of the nature of human energy, after the exertion of such effective concentration, to relapse into the original, ineffectual state of dispersal. Where this happens, the normal state of a person's life is the dispirited inertia of dispersal, punctured at intervals by bursts of committed action, spectacular revelations of the immense possibilities of committed work, but so brief that they confirm the dispiriting notion that the natural state of humanity is impotent torpor; they feed the crippling illusion that the intelligent life of commitment can only be a momentary revelation of transcendent beauty, a singular eruption of unworldly energy bursting briefly out of eternal lethargy. If we wanted to reverse this unbalanced distribution of commitment and apathy, we would have to find ways of increasing the frequency with which committed consciousness wove its way into the drowsy fabric of daily existence. We would have to make the focused presence of committed through a regular, routine part of the passage of our life. We would have to find ways of making a frame for our daily lives from the active expression of our commitment.

HOW TO DO A STRIPTEASE…

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Performing an erotic dance or a strip tease for your partner can be a great way to spice up your love life. You don’t need to be a talented dancer or install a pole in your house to master the art of the strip tease. All you need is to work up some courage and have some fun. Getting dressed up and showing off your sexiness can be a huge turn on not only for you but also for “your audience”. Here are some simple steps that will help when planning your erotic dance: 

STEP 1: Think it through – A lot of us have body image issues. I can hear you saying “I am not hot enough to do this” or “I’d look like a baby elephant grinding to the music, that wont turn my lover on” Wrong! You are hot and your lover thinks so too. Drop your inhibitions and love your body. Imagine yourself dancing to the music, showing off your assets and how hot that will make your partner. 

STEP 2: The Music – What music do you love? What turns you on? What’s your lover’s favorite music? What moods do what to convey with your dance? These are all questions to keep in mind when choosing the right music to accompany your routine. If you want a fast paced, action packed number pick something up beat and fast or maybe you want to be slow and seductive then find something to go along with that. If you and you partner have a song that represents your relationship you may want to dance to that song and make the song represent even more happy memories for your relationship.

STEP 3: The costume - Start with the bottom layer first and work your way out. The bottom layer is your “show stopper”. What does your partner like? Black lace teddies? Stockings and suspenders? Make this your show stopper. Then start to think of the outer layers, you can pretty much wear anything you like on the outer layer but sometimes a costume is fun. Both also have props which you can use like the tie from the sexy doctor out fit (loop it around your lovers neck and bring him close, then release). Try to find clothing that will be able to be taken off easily. You don’t want anything with to many buttons or hooks. You may also want to add accessories; a long neck lace, a feather boa or a hat can really add to the overall effect and make for perfect teasing items. You can go all out on your costume and have real fun with it.

STEP 4: Practice – You’re not auditing to be Madonna’s next back up dancer or for a role in Grease the musical so no need to whip out some major dance moves. Keep it simple and leave the fancy dance routines to the professions. Just pop on the music you have chosen and get familiar with it. Move to it and see where it takes you. When you have some ideas in place do a trial run with your costume and accessories on. Think about when and what you will take off. This will give you a chance to find out what will come off easily and what wont so you can modify your costume to suit. 

STEP 5: Showtime – You may feel a bit nervous at first this is only natural but remind yourself that you are sexy and try and ooze sexuality. When you feel sexy you look sexy. There’s an old saying “Fake it till you make it” which can be applied here. Dimming the lights or turning them off and lighting candles can create a romantic setting and also help you to feel more comfortable then dancing under stark light. The main point to remember with the strip tease is to have fun. This may well be a high point in your sexual relationship; you may want to do it again and again. You never know until you try it, so what are you waiting for!

¿ARE YOU IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

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I FOUND THIS TEST & THOUGHT THAT IT WAS WORTH SHARING. TOO MANY OF US ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT ABUSE US IN SO MANY WAYS THAT WE SOMETIMES DON’T EVEN REALIZE THAT IT IS TAKING PLACE. SO I WANT YOU TO HONESTLY TRY THIS EXERCISE BY FOLLOWING THESE INSTRUCTIONS:

Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item: Never: 0 points/Rarely: 1 point/Sometimes: 2 points/Frequently: 3 points

__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public

__ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"

__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers

__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair

__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to

__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone

__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood

__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells

__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry

__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me

__ My partner drinks or uses drugs

__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do

__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else

__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items

__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or cost me my job

__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"

__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car

__ My partner has threatened to hurt me

__ My partner has threatened to hurt close to me

__ My partner has actually hurt those close to me

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets

__ My partner has actually hurt my pets

__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave

__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked

__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon

__ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts

__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner

__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic

__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to

__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to

__ My partner has been in trouble with the police

__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone

__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships

__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to

__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions

__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner

__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence

__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions

__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner

_____ TOTAL POINTS

0-17: Generally Non-abusive: These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!

18-58: Moderately Abusive: This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.

59-95: Seriously Abusive: Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider finding counseling, getting help, even leaving.

96 and up: Dangerously Abusive: If your scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.