¡HAPPY EARTH~DAY NOEL!

Tweet

¡ENJOY YOUR DAY TO FULLEST MY LOVE!

MIRACLE...

Tweet

Miracle…The dictionary defines it as "an event that appears unexplainable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God." When I reflect on the men and events that led me to Noel, I am forced to conclude that a miracle -- no, a series of miracles -- has occurred. How else can years of heartache turn out to be, in the long run, blessings?

But then my inner critic says, "Are you so self-obsessed as to believe that the hand of God/universe moves through your puny life?" Well, if I assume an infinite God/universe, the answer is, why not? The dictionary definition of infinite is "having no boundaries or limits." With that in mind it seems self-obsessed to think that the influence of something infinite wouldn't extend to me, or anyone else for that matter. Of course I could also claim that we're all chemical accidents in a dead and meaningless universe. It just doesn't make a very interesting Ah-Ha Moment!

NOEL IS IN THE WORKING WAY...¡FINALLY!

Tweet

For of you that don't know Noel is my partner. He came here in 2007 to study, was done with school 2009 and we figured out ways for him to stay in the Bahamas as he is NOT a Bahamian. It was VERY hard for him not being able to do anything on the employment level and I am SO happy that someone FINALLY saw what he possess and decided that they could use his talents. CONGRATS BABES, KNOCK EM' DEAD!

¡HAPPY EARTH~DAY NOEL!

Tweet

I am there

You cannot see me, yet I am the light you see by.

You cannot here me, yet I speak through your voice.

You cannot feel me, yet I am the power at work in your hands...

I am at work, though you do not understand my ways.

...I am at work, though you do not recognise my works.

I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know me

as I am, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yes I am there. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.

When you need me, I am there.

Even if you deny me, I am there.

Even when you feel most alone, I am there.

Even in your fears, I am there.

Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.

I am in you and you are in me.

Only in your mind can you feel separate from me, for

only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine".

Yet only in your mind can you know me and experience me.

Empty your heart of empty fears.

When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.

You can of yourself do nothing but I can do all.

And I am all.

Though you may not see good, good is there, for I am there.

I am there because I have to be, because I am.

Only in me does the world have meaning; only out of me does

the world take form; only because of me does the world go forward.

I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of

living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling.

I am assurance.

I am peace.

I am oneness.

I am the law that you can live by.

I am the love that you can cling to.

I am your assurance.

I am your peace.

I am one with you.

I am.

Though you fail to find me, I do not fail you.

Though your faith in me is unsure, my faith in you never wavers,

because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I am there.

~James Dillet Freeman

Art © by Gill xx

¡HAPPY EARTH~DAY BABES!

Tweet

GUESS WHO IS SAYING GOODBYE TO HIS 2Os...

HIS LOVE IS…

Tweet

The word LOVE has a wide variety of connotations. To some, LOVE is merely a place where basic needs are addressed. To others, LOVE is the foundation from which they draw their strength and tranquility. Though others view LOVE as a thing inevitably linked to material things, I’ve come to see that you are SO much more than that. You’ve given me that place where I can TOTALLY be myself. You’ve made me feel safe enough to let down my guard to return to your arms day after day.

I know that the evolution of LOVE requires that I undergo transformations that uproot me from time to time. And though this movement from place to place can literally feel like I am separated from the foundations I’ve come to depend on, I know that isn’t the case. For LOVE is intimately tied to the memories that define me, so I know that EVERY second of EVERY day LOVE be that space that fulfills me! I will allow it to bring peace to me and my surroundings…For HIS LOVE IS…

I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT...

Tweet

I believe that happiness is the art of living, the purpose of our existence. It is THE true index of the quality of one’s life. Without it life is dry and meaningless…So going from day to day watching Noel sink into his frustration about him not being able to provide for himself hurts me. I understand how he feels; he is living in a country that is not his (he is from St. Vincent and the Grenadines) which means that employment here for him is not easy @ all. So that means his bills and other things pretty much falls on me…and where that doesn’t bother me @ all, it sure does bother him. Being an independent person, it takes A LOT to accept that life has you in a place where you have to depend on others. I just see it as the give and take of life…But through all of this I’ve come to realize that as long as Noel isn’t able to contribute he will NOT be happy here.

I could make a million dollars a second and that still wouldn’t matter to him! There have been a few good things that came way recently: wining an essay competition about HIV/AIDS, being asked to apply for a permanent position @ my temporary government job, being told that the boss of another job I’ve been after wants to meet with me when he comes to Nassau (I will blog about these later). Noel says he is happy for me, but since he is not given these chances, I feel like he doesn’t fully appreciate them…I wish that he would realize that these things aren’t just for me, but for US!

I know that we are different and I have taught myself that happiness means that I am FREE from expectations and I want nothing from anyone. I have taught myself how to see the optimistic side of things NO matter how high the cards are stacked against me. I would be lying if I said that I wish Noel wasn’t a little more like me. It hurts to know that I can’t make him see that THE largest influence in our relationship is the unspoken dynamics that occur beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. He is SO distracted and since he got back from his internship,I felt like I’ve been waiting for the light to come back in his eyes.

There are times when I wonder if he regrets his decision to be with me because things are not to his liking…I LOVE that he is driven just like me, but him burying himself with what he does not have, he is unable to take stock of what is going on around him. Every so often I ask him to tell me that he knows that we will get to Canada by year’s end and he can’t even say it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am from another planet or something because I am calm as I move from day to day and I can see us in Canada this time next year playing in the snow…

So I will stand in the gap and carry the happiness for both of us. I understand that we are @ different levels of consciousness and though we chose to walk down life’s road together, I have NO problems carrying him on my back until he is strong enough to walk on his own. After all we have chosen certain lessons and made agreements to be who we are in the unfolding of this world’s understanding before we incarnated in this lifetime. So my job is LOVE him with EVERYTHING that I am and allow him to be…Though we live in a world of duality, which helps us to experience the material plane, he knows that we don’t need to experience extremes to understand them…I JUST CAN’T SHAKE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT…

¡HAPPY EARTH~DAY NOEL!

Tweet

I feel that EARTH~DAYS are reminders that who and what we are changes as we journey through life a little everyday. And I hope that as time marches on you’d see that your worth is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe (and me). I hope that this day represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief, for they are the things that will aid you on life’s journey…So as each EARTH~DAY comes, I hope you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met AND broaden your horizons…¡HAPPY EARTH~DAY NOEL…I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

¡I HATE WEDNESDAYS!

Tweet

Being out of work is one thing, but being without Noel makes me feel so scared and alone. Noel started his new school schedule about two weeks ago and Wednesdays are just loaded with courses, he leaves home @ 10am and I don’t see him until 9pm. How is man to manage? I know that he didn’t come to Bahamas from St. Vincent to be with me (YES HE DID) but he is here and I HATE being home alone without him. Which kinda crazy when I think about it because most of my time is spent on the pc writing and reading blogs and he is in the room doing his thing on the pc. So it isn’t even like we are in each other’s personal space like that…I guess it is the thought that he is here, near me that keeps me…Though I still sneak in the room and bother him from time to time…He provides me with a WONDERFUL refuge in which I can relax and recover from the rigors I face when dealing with my MANY adult objectives. I GUESS WHAT THEY SAY IS TRUE, YOU MISS WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN IT IS NOT THERE…¡DAMN I HATE WEDNESDAYS!

¿WHO IS THIS MAN?

Tweet

Have you ever been taken aback, rendered speechless AND captivated by someone all @ the same time? I have…The other day Noel and I were grocery shopping and as we were done, I walked to the cashier and placed my items on the counter. After doing so I looked up and caught a glimpse of a man that seemed to stop time for a moment. He TOTALLY had me and wasn’t going to let go and I did NOT want him to…it didn’t occurred to me that I was enthralled by someone that wasn’t Noel, it felt NATURAL like I was looking @ the spiritual being that I was going to be with for the rest of my life. So imagine how I felt when I refocused my gaze and realized that this man was none other MY Noel. My heart smiled as I felt the presence of him wash all over me. It felt SO good to have this experience because it made me see that he is NOT a fluke OR coincidence. He was sent here on a mission to LOVE, HONOR & CHERISH me…he is that song with NO beginning OR end…he is that element that I crave with an EQUAL measure of fear AND fascination. Seeing him again just gives me a DEEPER and PROFOUND appreciation for the sacredness of OUR union. I LOVE the fact that he is apart of the plan that WE prepared before entering the Earth's plane…I LOVE YOU & I THANK GOD THAT YOU ARE IN LIFE…¿WHO IS THIS MAN?

¿HOW SOON IS TOO SOON?

Tweet

As many of you may not know, I was planning on getting married in less than month (October 25, 2008 to be precise), but due to situations beyond our control we decided to put it on hold. This day I have foreseen for as long as I can remember and it saddens me that it won’t happen. But as the wedding officiant said, IT IS NOT MARRIAGE WHICH MAKES A RELATIONSHIP STRONG; BUT THE STRENGTH OF THE RELATIONSHIP WHICH MAKES IT A MARRIAGE. Reading those words made me feel okay about things not happening as planned. However reading some other words did NOT! I was sitting down @ my pc trying to figure out what I wanted to blog about today. Not too long after I had this thought a friend of mine hit me up asking how I was doing and how my hubby was? Of course I said that we are fine and it is was @ this time that I told him that wedding was on hold. He expressed his sympathy but also added that maybe it is for the best because he felt that it was TOO soon for us to be talking about getting married. So imagine what my thoughts were when he said that. Nonetheless, I kept my cool because I refuse to allow him OR anyone to make my relationship a threesome. But I would be telling a lie if I say that I didn’t find it VERY interesting AND hilariously funny that this man like SO many other gay men have the nerve to tell others how to go about their relationships, ESPECIALLY if they don’t have a stable one of their own. I mean this guy’s idea of a committed relationship is putting his ass up in the air for some dick while he hope N’ pray that this is the one for him…Now I don’t know about you, but when it comes to relationships I take mine VERY seriously and I do NOT leave LOVE to chance. However I can’t help but feel sorry him and the many others that are just like him. It kills me to know that these men CRAVE LOVE and would rather that I be as they are. Nonetheless, in these trying times, I find that we cannot afford to live as if live doesn’t mean a thing AND that whatever man comes our way is just for the time being. Too many of us are all about the supplementary AND NOT the complimentary; and it is KILLING us. @ THE END OF THE DAY, THIS IS MY LIFE & I AM GOING TO LIVE IT THE WAY MY HEART N’ SOUL DICTATES. MOREOVER, I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT LOVE IS GREAT & SHARING THAT WITH JUST ONE MAN IS PERFECT FOR ME. I GUESS IN THE REALITY OF THINGS I CAN’T BE THAT HARD ON HIM FOR THINKING THE WAY HE DOES, AFTER ALL NOT BEING THE ONE THAT I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH IS A DIFFICULT PILL TO SWALLOW…¿HOW SOON IS TOO SOON YOU MAKE ASK? IT ISN’T SOON ENOUGH FOR ME…I CAN’T WAIT TO STAND IN FRONT THAT ALTER & SAY I DO IN FRONT OF GOD, MAN & THE ELEMENTS…THIS MOMENT WON’T BE TOO SOON FOR ME.

STEPPING BACK

Tweet

I have always been one that believes that as you grow and experience life that you handle things differently. And NOTHING proves this point more than a relationship. My current relationship has been going for 10 LOVELY months and though 95% of that is filled with good times it AMAZES me how the 5% could REALLY put a hurting on things. This 5% of hurt has been living in my midst for the past 2 days and it has been interesting to say the least. Nonetheless, I believe that a relationship, in the truest sense of the word, means relating to another. And usually when we say that we relate to someone, it is because we've found common ground. But I have found out that apart of relating is finding ways to make things that seem to be opposites come together. I’ve often found that when I choose a relationship, I try to fit another person into my predetermined ideal. When they don't fit perfectly and there is a difference of opinion I try to make them over which is NEVER a good thing. Therefore I have realized that taking a STEP BACK, giving him some time to cool off helps with the tense moments. Separating ourselves from the heat of the moment, I find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but it has brought up feelings related to something else entirely. In our case we are ALWAYS on different topics so it PAYS to get a breather. He gets SO consumed with being heard that he is NOT listening, which presents something interesting in itself. I know that I can say things that are hurtful so I try to use as much tact as I possibly can so I can defuse the situation before it gets the best of us. And as much as this takes its toll on us, the makeup SEX is something that I can definitely become addicted to, despite the drama AND excitement. I guess DEEP down inside I know that there is NOTHING wrong with an argument because we STILL LOVE each other through it all. I mean if he is the man that I want and NOT someone that I’ve imagined I know he is the my IMPERFECT man which works for me. Being with him makes me see that an HONEST relationship is one in which we accept each other as whole individuals, and us finding a way to share our lives together. The good AND the bad…in this regard I get to LOVE him all over again for the FIRST time AND that makes our relationship something EXTREMELY special. SO STEPPING BACK FROM HURTING EACH CAN ACTUALLY SAVE US FOR US.

INFINITE...

Tweet

I feel that I have been blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life; he is the manifestation of dreams and proves that God really answers a man’s prayer. For as long as I can remember I always felt that there was a part of me that was missing. I would meet a man but I would end right where I was before meeting him…SINGLE! But for some reason I knew deep in the heart of me that I would find someone that wanted me AND the things that I wanted in life. So when God sent me a man all the way from St. Vincent I thought WOW he must really LOVE me. I MEAN WHAT ARE THE ODDS? When I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one, I knew that I was going to LOVE him…what I did NOT know was that my LOVE for him would GROW EVERYDAY! I heard about this LOVE in songs, been told about by others and dreamt of it; but NEVER did I think that it would be like this. I always thought that LOVE was LOVE and that there was this cap OR peak where it was concerned…BOY WAS I WRONG! How can anyone get to a place where they feel that LOVE stops? LOVE is like life; it keeps GROWING and CHANGING every second of everyday. And because LOVE is INFINITE, I get to hold him every night, seeing him everyday AND taking him in everyway and I know that I will NEVER have enough of him. NO matter what I am doing with my life, I will do it out of AND for the sake of LOVE that I have for him. For LOVE is the source of all miracles. It is NOT a passive thing; it is active force. It is NOT just some kind of a mushy feeling; it is a POWERFUL vibration that MUST be consciously practiced. IT HAS LONG BEEN SAID THAT LOVE IS THE ESSENCE OF LIFE. IT IS EVERYWHERE; IN A LOOK, A TOUCH & IN OUR EVERY BREATH. INFINITE LOVE IS THAT WHICH BRINGS A SENSE OF ALIVENESS IN OUR SOULS & GIVES THE HEART A SENSE OF PURPOSE…

THE IN BETWEEN

Tweet

I followed the script, took my time and waited for him…now that he is here I have to learn to LOVE him in THE IN BETWEEN… I am safe and secure with who I am and my relationship with him. I feel that we are beyond the anxieties of wondering if we want to be with each other OR spend the rest of lives together…and I am NOT trying to make him into someone else to suit my purpose. I ALWAYS knew that a life without challenge would be like going to school without lessons to learn; and that surely is what I am going on in our relationship right now. However, I feel that challenges come not to depress or get one down, but to master and to grow and to unfold our abilities. It takes a lot of work to hold 2 people together. I'm the straight-to-the-point, honest lover, while he is the stubborn and emotional one; and when we argue it gets really intense. One would think that after the day I had that I would be VERY afraid of getting married to him this fall, but I am NOT! YES, we are different, but as long as he knows I LOVE him and he LOVES me there is NOTHING we can say OR do to each other to change how feel about each other. I AM THAT TOUGH ASS MAN THAT LIKES A STRONG ASS MAN THAT CAN TOLERATE MY SHIT! Though he makes me so mad I know that I am LUCKY as hell AND I wouldn’t trade his LOVING, STRONG, SHORT, WILLFUL ASS IN FOR ANYONE ELSE. I know he LOVES the fact that I challenge and promote our relationship…YOU KNOW THAT’S HARD FOR US GAY MEN TO DO IN THESE TRYING TIMES. It has been said that, “one does not discover the heart of a man if one has not sent him on a mission;” and he is my mission. He is the ONE that I have been waiting for all my life and I just have to remember that I LOVE him in THE IN BETWEEN…I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT WE HAVE TO WORK @ KEEPING OUR RELATIONSHIP ON TRACK…WE ARE DIFFERENT & THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT US TO EACH OTHER & THE TRUE COMMITMENT THAT WE SEEK IS SO DOABLE, BUT WE HAVE TO WANT IT. FOR ME LOVE MEANS THAT WE BRING OUT THE BEST & WORST QUALITIES WITHIN EACH OTHER & THAT IS FINE. I FIND THAT IF WE ARE WILLING TO WORK THINGS OUT, IT DOES NOT SHOW A SIGN OF MATURITY, IT SHOWS THAT LOVE KEEPS US.

HAPPY EARTH~DAY NOEL

Tweet

When I celebrate an EARTH~DAY with someone, I like to reflect on the person and somehow give him OR her more of an insight than anything else. Though this is for THE man in my life, and this is no different. I sat and pondered what I wanted say to him and I kept coming back to how I am so GRATEFUL that I am given this privilege AND honor to celebrate this day with you. Therefore, as you get a year older I want you to surround yourself with the protective light of the universe for it will never lead you astray. I cannot help thank GOD for sending you into my life for you are THE angel that I prayed SO many nights for. You made me feel that waiting for one’s just reward is worth it AND I will forever be eternally GRATEFUL to you for that. They say that it takes us the better part of a lifetime to discover our life’s work, but I don’t think they had you in mind when this concept was born because you were ACTUALIZE long before you were REALIZED. For you are on this earth, in your physical body, but your soul is NOT limit. From this day forth I want you to tap into yourself, find the STRENGTH that exists beneath the surface AND be a force to reckon with. Believe in who you are AND what you stand for…let NO one ever cause you to doubt your worth. For you are a PURE spiritual being that time AND space cannot alter. So do not worry about anything because forever is NOW! You are in the right place AND time, so express confidence in yourself and the universe…NEVER RUNNING or HIDING from life. ON THIS DAY, TAKE THE FIRST STEP IN REALIZING THAT YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOU ARE. YOU ARE THE WARRIOR THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT…SO TAKE MY WORDS & KNOW THAT THEY ARE FROM MY HEART…HAPPY EARTH~DAY BABY…I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE'S DIVINE

Tweet

I have always wanted a LOVE the beget all others, a LOVE that can be seen by the world…& I FEEL WITH EVERYTHING WITHIN ME THAT I HAVE THAT LOVE! I knew this from the moment my heart sent out a message that only HE could answer. The ANGEL that fell into my HEART transcends time because it ALONE knows that it has no bearing on us. I am surprise by this LOVE with every breathe that I take AND I LOVE how HE tingles my soul. This LOVE is SO DIVINE because it has been ordained by GOD and is constantly being blessed AND honoured by FRIENDS and FAMILY. This LOVE is a MYSTERIOUS mystery that only LOVE itself can comprehend…

LOVE’S DIVINE

Then the rainstorm came, over me

And I felt my spirit breakI had lost all of my, belief you see

And realize my mistake

But time through a prayer, to me

And all around me, it came still

I need love, loves divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came, century

And I felt my spirit fly

I had felt, all of my, reality

I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)

Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong

But inside felt that all in all

But the message here was plain to see

Believe:'Cause I need love, love's divine

Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind

Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)

Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake

'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

SIGHT N' VISION

Tweet

I’ve had the opportunity to have SIGHT into my existence n’ the VISION of HE that is to come. My experience has taught me that SIGHT is the ability to see the tangible and VISION is the gift of seeing beyond it. I have ALWAYS had the man that I would spend the rest of my life in my SIGHTS, never knowing exactly who he is. However, the VISION of he is mine to behold. Thus I am able to take him in so that I can participate in life with KNOWLEDGE N’ REVERENCE. The pleasure of HE that is brought to my eyes goes WAY beyond the perceive colors AND shapes of his being. I am SO grateful for my SIGHT N’ VISION, it has allowed me to see what was to come, aiding my direction and giving me a place to stand. Relying on ones SIGHT N’ VISION can automatically place us in touch with our inner world. Thus, it is ONLY in this state that VISION becomes the mode of seeing. This VISION comes from within and shows us how to navigate the realms of thought, feeling, and emotion. It enables us to see things that are not yet manifested in the world of form, and it connects us to that part of ourselves that exists separately from the world of form. Hence, as I age, I live being aware that my SIGHT will generally lose some of its acuity, but this will NOT be a loss because I will have this replaced with the VISION of he. THUS, HE IS THE TIME OF LIFE WHEN I TURN INSIDE & TAKE WHAT ARE THE VERY FIRST STEPS OF A JOURNEY THAT CANNOT BE TRACED ON A MAP. MY SIGHT N’ VISION ALLOWS ME TO CALL UPON MY INTUITION & FEEL MY WAY ALONG A PATH THAT ULTIMATELY CARRIES ME BEYOND THE REALM I CAN SEE WITH MY EYES & INTO THE LAND OF SPIRIT THAT LEADS ME TO HE…