OLDIE, BUT GOODIE: YES BELIEVE IT OR NOT I AM GAY!

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WHEN I READ THIS ENTRY & THINK BACK TO THE PERSON I WAS @ THE VARIOUS STAGES OF MY LIFE, I JUST SMILE. I SMILE BECAUSE OF WHERE I CAME FROM; WHERE I AM NOW & WHERE I AM GOING. I THINK ABOUT MY LIFE & HOW I HAVE A WONDERFUL MAN THAT I LOVE & HOW SO MANY PERSONS FROM MY PAST ARE LOST BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T GO WITHIN. THIS LIFE THAT I LIVE BRINGS ME SUCH JOY THAT THE SAD/BAD TIMES JUST WASH OVER ME. I’VE COME FULL CIRCLE & I NEVER LET PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE BEING GAY IS SOMETHING BAD THAT I WILL BE PUNISHED FOR.

From the very beginning as far back as five years old, I was drawn to men. I knew then that there was an attraction, not sexual of course, but a special type of fond preference for men nonetheless, which later, through pubescence, developed sexually. It would have been ideal to have been able to talk to someone about those feelings, but I was surrounded by an environment of antipathy for the homosexual lifestyle. So as the male, knowing that my family would not be exactly fond of me being gay, I like many others before me tried desperately to suppress my homosexual emotions in order to be considered normal. The teasing and isolation that I suffered from my peers also made me feel compelled to live my life as a heterosexual—all in the name of acceptance.

I had also grown up serving the Catholic Church not as an altar boy (I THINK THAT IS SO CLICHÉ) I had to stomach scripture stuffed down my throat stating that homosexuality was a sin. Even though I was not engaging in sex, I know now that I was gay, which ultimately led me to questioning whether or not I was hell-bound and wondering if I was a moral abomination in the eyes of God. Of course, the church told me that I was, so I ended up suffering from some serious psychological issues about my role in life. I knew that I didn't ask or prefer to be a homosexual that I just was without choice — I WAS BORN THIS WAY! But the church and other messages that were circulating from the mouths of homophobia were conveying to me that no one is born a homosexual; that it is a matter of choice. As a result of all this confusion, I was constantly trying to determine whether I was good or bad? Most of the time I felt that I was bad; so I reinvented myself as that special someone who, in the eyes of God, my parents and the world, was good, normal and accepted…strange how that is only an illusion! 

I THOUGHT THAT IF I WAS A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON, I WOULD BE WORTHY OF LOVE. Pathetically, I had convinced myself that was all true, and I eventually led myself down a sad road of unhappiness and depression. When I reflect on it now, I realize that the Church brainwashed me to believe that God hated me so much that I began to hate myself. HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL! Later on, when I resigned from organized religion and connected spiritually with God on my own, I realized that I had repressed into a disturbing episode from my childhood which had also attributed to my cycle of self-hate. That realization eventually laid the path to a miraculous journey of evolution, and I was able to appreciate the path my life had now taken and acknowledge that God did, in fact, love me. 

I SAY ALL OF THIS BECAUSE OF THE REACTION I GET WHEN I COME ACROSS PEEPS THAT THINKS I AM GAY BECAUSE OF HOW I MAY DRESS OR LOOK (WHICH IS TOTALLY F&CKED UP!) So just in case they didn’t get the memo I am informing them of the fact that I AM GAY! I know this is hard for your LITTLE BRAIN TO COMPREHEND, but just leave that which has nothing to do with you alone. Why does it bother you so much if I don’t want PUSSY? As a male why should you care? As a female why should I care? We have freedom of choice and freedom of what we do, when we do and how we do…so I don’t get why my sexual activity concerns you so much. I think it’s because you haven’t learned how to separate the sex from the man in your PERFECT world. So consider my ‘UNIQUENESS’ strange, call my language foreign…I so don’t give a F&CK! Call my confidence ignorant; see my heart aches as defeat because you don’t think that I should live this life anyway. Lower my mother’s and father’s creation to simply DADDY jerking off on a stone and MOMMY just happen to sit on it…I am sure God’s mind is @ ease. Far be it from me to write this blog or question you (‘HOW DARE I’). Heaven forbids that I stand up for myself; all HELL would reign upon me. Funny how you rather I be fake and assimilate. The next time I cross your path ask yourself, ‘WHO IS THIS MAN? Better yet ask me and you find out that my sexuality doesn’t define me as A HUMAN, A MAN, A SON, A BROTHER, A NEPHEW, A FATHER, A GRANDFATHER, A PASTOR, A TEACHER, A DOCTOR…EVEN A FRIEND. You will see I am a STRONG MAN WHO STANDS TALL, SPINE ERECT POINTING TO THE STARS WITH PRIDE, DIGNITY & RESPECT.