SHE IS THE OLD NEW ME...

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Over time I’ve learned that when someone I care about hurts me, I can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge OR embrace forgiveness and move forward. But this blog entry isn’t about me, it is about my now 18 year old cousin who I now has been living in her own private hell…You see she lives with my mother and aunt who doesn’t treat her with the respect you’d give to another human being. You see my aunt is this bible wielding woman of god who has NO problems in letting you that you are going to hell. I took that abuse for years until I found the strength to stand up to her and let her know that I don’t give a F&CK about her bible AND her beliefs…When I look back, I realized that I took her shit because I was taught to ALWAYS respect your elders…all the name callings, accusations AND hatred came to an abrupt end when she took it upon herself to wish that I get HIV/AIDS for being GAY. @ That moment the man that I was up to that point DIED and I was reborn…

My cousin is pretty dead in need of her own rebirth…I fear that @ this very moment, she is being attacked verbally and being called all the slut AND whore in the world because they can’t see how they have somehow helped to make her that way…I know how hurt she feel because coming to a point in your life when you realize that your family can be wrong and they don’t have all the answers is scary for a young person. They have wounded her and now she has cast her net outward looking for LOVE in all the wrong places. Whenever I see her, I see the feelings of anger, bitterness AND even vengeance that these wounds have left her with. She recently came out of the hospital and she told me that she wish she would have died because she can’t take things the way they are anymore. For a long time I’ve kept my distance because I felt that she just need space and if we didn’t want to loose her completely, we should let her go, so we could get her back…

I can only HOPE that innate awkwardness to being human has taken her so far down the road that she can’t come back from the hurt AND pain…And though she has asked for my help, I fear that with every ounce of HATRED that is cast her way, she is has become FIRMLY rooted in insecurity. Moreover, when that is added with the fact that mom and aunt don’t know how to show REAL LOVE, the inadequacy, isolation, fear AND hopelessness will send you to a place that has NO return date…I fear that EVERY breathe that she takes is plagued by what her they think about her AND that causes her to further robbed herself of HER personal power which renders her unable to feel positive about her life…

I MUST ADMIT THAT I FIND IT A BIT DIFFICULT TO WALK WITH HER BECAUSE I KNOW SHE WOULD REMIND OF THE WOUNDS I STILL CARRY WITH ME TO THIS DAY…& THOUGH I DON’T HATE ANY OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS, I STILL KEEP MY DISTANCE…IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME ACCEPT MYSELF WARTS N’ ALL, BUT ONCE I DID THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK FOR ME! NOW I MUST HELP HER TO THE SAME FOR HERSELF…WHO KNOWS MAYBE SHE CAN BECOME THAT TEACHER SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE…MAYBE I CAN STEP IN & SAVE HER THAT SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH GOD KNOW THAT WOULD BRING HIV/AIDS INTO HER LIFE…ALL I KNOW IS THAT BEING SEEN AS THE WORST THING BY MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY IS THE HARDEST THING ANOTHER PERSON TO DEAL WITH, ESPECIALLY A YOUNG FEMALE THAT IS LOST & DOESN’T SEE THE LIGHT @ THE END OF THE TUNNEL…