TRUE BLOOD: SEASON 5, EPISODE 12 - SAVE YOURSELF

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Was sitting through this hit-and-miss season of True Bloodworth it to see Bill go bad, Andy turn officially hot, Jason become full of hate (again), Tara kiss Pam, and Alcide finally become pack master? In the spirit of a loaded Lafayette, Arlene, and Jane Bodehouse, I'd say yes. It wasn't perfect (the Ifrit was voted the Single Weakest Twist in our Summer TV Awards and like us, the writers are now pretending Terry doesn't exist), but it certainly sets us up for an interesting season six. Let's dig in.

Eric showed up in the field and staked Russell, putting a surprisingly swift end to the slight tickling sensation Russell was feeling as the faeries collectively zapped him. “Well... f---,” Russell had time to say before he burst into goo. “Well, that felt even better than I thought it would,” Eric said. It's so good to have Eric back. Eric made Nora swear on Godric that she wouldn’t eat Sookie. Jason, who'd been knocked out, was okay, though he thought Sookie was his mother. At this point, I was already thinking epidural hematoma.

At the Authority compound, naked Sam finally made his way to Bill as breakfast. Bill probably would have killed him for knowing too much, but Sam turned into a fly that Bill couldn’t catch -- though he tried, darting around the room like Nightcrawler. That had to be a great, dignified day for Stephen Moyer on set. Fly Sam escaped through the ventilation duct.

Eric and Nora were back to their usual sibling banter, arguing over who Godric liked better when they arrived at Fangtasia. Tara told Eric “they” got Pam. Against Nora’s wishes, Eric was making them go rescue Pam -- right after they stashed the money hidden behind the basement wall in Fangtasia some place safe. I guess he’s not planning on coming back there? That makes me sad. So many good memories. (Truly.) Pam is family, as is Tara, Eric told Nora. Loyal Eric = hot Eric.

Eric, Nora, and Tara showed up at Sookie’s house just as she was offering to take Jason to the hospital because he wasn’t acting like himself. Now, he saw their parents sitting beside Sookie, and they were much more vocal and anti-vampire than they were earlier in the season. Eric asked Sookie to come to the Authority with them because she was the only one who could get through to Bill and give them time to save Jessica and Pam. “You owe Pam,” Tara kept reminding Sookie. Hearing Bill was behind the Tru Blood factory bombings, Sookie had no choice but to go. Jason and Eric exchanged insults, but Jason’s ghost dad told Jason to think of how many vampires he could kill from inside. He’s going to, Jason announced. “Oh sweetie, don’t be a fool,” Eric cooed. "If I want to be a fool, then I will be a fool,” Jason said. “That is my God-given right as an American." Those T-shirts are already being printed, I'm sure.

Back at the Authority, Bill instructed his guards to search for any fly, mouse, cockroach, or termite and kill it. If it doesn’t shift back into human form when it dies, keep hunting. I was thinking Bill had bigger problems than Sam, who really did just want to save his girlfriend’s daughter at that point. For a moment, I thought maybe Bill was keeping them all busy looking for Sam on purpose, so they wouldn't see Eric coming. Maybe he and Eric had orchestrated a long con after all. (So wrong!) Salome asked if Bill had seen Kibwe, and he admitted he’d killed him because he'd said Lilith had told him he was the Chosen One. Now I thought we were going to get a standoff between Bill and Salome, but Bill again did something surprising: He lied and said Lilith had told him Salome was the Profit, and he was chosen to protect and serve her. Salome was practically orgasmic from the power rush. Please let her die, I thought.

Cut to the “human livestock” naked, shaking, and sobbing in their cells. Sam flew in, shifted back to human form, and told Luna that Bill had lost his mind, so he was going to case the place for another exit. If the guards come for her, Sam wanted her to shift because she’d be no good to Emma dead, and Emma is safe as long as she’s in whimpering wolf puppy form.

Over in the vampire cells, Jessica talked Pam’s ear off, which I was surprised Pam tolerated even though she was a captive audience. Jessica told her about Bill and Eric being religious fanatics now, and Pam refused to believe it about Eric. The only bright spot, in Pam’s mind, is that their religion considers Sookie an abomination.

Next, we went to Alcide and his father, Jackson, who had a man-to-man talk while grilling the buck they took down together. Ah, bonding. Jackson gave an apologetic speech that Alcide had heard before. Deeds mean more than words, Alcide said. So clearly Jackson is going to die doing something to save pack members, I thought. (Wrong again!) Cue Martha pulling up with Rikki, who was in the back of her car tripping on V that JD had force-fed her and the pack to get them ready for the holy war that was coming. Rikki wanted the V out of her, but she also wanted to feed on everything and have rough sex with Alcide. He carried her into the trailer as Martha yelled that she’s afraid Rikki might die of an overdose.

While Sam continued to buzz around the Authority, pausing to spy on Bill and Salome postcoital, Sookie and Jason were at the anti-vamp store loading up on weapons. It was daytime, so Eric, Nora, and Tara were in AVL-issued coffins in the back of the truck. (The Authority compound is like a Vegas casino. You lose all track of time.) Jason was still in full-on Rambo mode, and Sookie tried to tell him they'd get to Bill before things got worse. “That train has already sailed,” he said. Classic Jason. He told Sookie he’d kill Bill that night, if he had to. “The time for tolerance is over,” he said. Okay, why didn’t she just knock Jason out there and then?

Back to Rikki. Jackson had some kind of liquid silver that would make the vampire blood want to leave her body through sweat. She looked like she had a real bad sunburn as she writhed in pain, then calmed down enough to ask Alcide why he never picked up a phone to tell her where he went. The night they’d spent together had meant something to him, she knew it. (Translation: We shouldn't hate Rikki for deserting Alcide because she hadn't.) Then, she told Alcide what had happened: JD called an emergency meeting. The pack showed up, and they were all held down as vampire blood was poured into their mouths. That’s all that happened to her, but not to some of the other younger girls. Okay, now JD really needs to die. Alcide wanted to kill him, but he knew he’d be the one to fall since JD’s still on V. Jackson repeated what Rikki told Alcide long ago (which has sorta been the problem with this season, really, things could've happened much quicker): The only way to win is to fight JD's way. The V that Rikki’s on is some “inferior s---,” Jackson said. He had better quality. (People wanted him dead over the years, so he apparently always has some V on hand.)

While Sam was busy struggling to see things in Steve Newlin’s room with his fly eyes, Lafayette was taking full advantage of Sam’s absence at Merlotte’s to play music that, frankly, could’ve been better if he intended to lead Holly and Arlene in a dance party with some Cajun margaritas in hand. Part of me wondered if Lafayette had put some vampire blood in there to keep the “bitches” safe. I assumed they'd be in danger before night's end because everyone else was in danger this hour and they made a point of saying it was almost sundown. (I was even thinking Arlene might die for choosing margaritas over getting home safely before dark.) But there was no time to connect them to what's going on in New Orleans, and, the truth is, some people doget to drink their troubles away while others do the fighting.

Andy walked in with Maurella. Before he talked to Holly, Maurella asked him to hand her some salt, which she proceeded to down in a steady stream. Something’s up with her, I thought. Like Jane Bodehouse, the woman seated at the bar, said, “When did Andy Bellefleur get to be so f---in’ hot?” That is the best he’s ever looked, wearing that dress shirt and jeans. Holly knew what Andy was about to say, so he came right out and told her about the two times he slept with Maurella -- right as Maurella’s “light broke.” That also sounded fairly orgasmic.

Bill and Salome awoke and again, we got another fake-out as Bill pinned her to the bed when she made a move to get up. Could he finally be offing her? No, he just wanted to have sex with her again. There’s a chance he could be distracting her, I thought, knowing Eric was on his way. It would’ve been so much easier to kill her already, if that was his plan. He must be for real, I decided.

Sookie and Jason were driving now and having their own heart-to-cold heart. He told her that they both go for people who are unavailable because they don’t think they deserve more -- and maybe they're right, they don’t. His ghost mother said it’s not a question of deserving, it’s a question of thinking life owes you something. It doesn’t, ghost mom said. Jason’s new theory: Maybe they wouldn’t keep getting hurt, if they just expected the worst. Ghost dad agreed -- vampires made them orphans, learn from it. Sookie and Jason agreed to disagree. Sookie asked Jason how his head was and felt that he had a bump as big as a walnut. I suddenly thought of Natasha Richardson.

It was nighttime, so Eric peeked his head into the driver’s window and said, “Pull over... please.” What is it about Jason that makes Eric act cartoonish, like he’s in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie?

Back at Merlotte’s, Holly played midwife for Maurella, who enjoyed her labor pains a little too much on the pool table. Arlene assumed she was an alien giving birth. Seriously, Lafayette’s cocktails are hella strong because he, Arlene, and Jane had no problem sitting there and watching Maurella cry out in delight as she gave birth to her seventy something child. It was a girl. And wait, there was another one...

At the Authority, Newlin, who we'd seen flee the field after Russell's death, wanted to get Emma and run. He took her out of her cage, and begged her not to shift. I thought it was strange the way Emma licked his face, but I still wasn't thinking it was Luna skinwalking -- not even when Newlin lost his Southern accent talking to receptionist Chelsea (I thought maybe he'd been faking the accent this whole time because people like Southern pastors, and he was too scared to focus on keeping it up now). Not when he was afraid to prick his finger for access to the elevator (I thought he was worried it'd sound an alarm because he and Russell were wanted men). And not when he kept looking at the fly in the elevator after Roslyn caught up with him and told him she needed him on damage control now. I thought that was strange -- how did he hear about the shifter security breach?

As for Maurella, she gave birth to what I assume was Andy'sfourth daughter, and she still enjoyed labor so much, Lafayette said she made him want to do it. Ha! (Maurella’s audience had moved on to shots by this point.) She told Andy it was up to him to make sure at least half of the babies survive into adulthood, and she left -- leaving her babies swaddled in Merlotte’s T-shirts. “You’re a dick,” Holly told him.

In the woods, JD had a vampire hanging by a silver noose, slit his wrist, and told the pack drinks were on him. I wish Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” would have been playing from a boombox at that moment. Alcide showed up, wearing a sleeveless shirt to show off his guns, and began kicking JD’s ass. Jackson and Martha stopped others from joining in the fight, and Alcide broke JD’s neck. The pack knelt before Alcide, and he told them the V would stop that night. They respect themselves, their pack, and nature; they don’t take advantage of those who are younger or weaker than they are. “Tonight, we choose pack,” he said, giving his father a nod. So those Comic-Con stickers are worth something after all! 'Til season six, Alcide!

Back to the real battle at hand: Eric and Nora drove the truck into the Authority, with Tara, Jason, and Sookie gagged in the back as “cargo.” Bill approved Eric and Nora entering the grounds before he caught a glimpse of Sookie on the surveillance camera he had linked up to his MacBook Air. Roslyn had Newlin going on live TV to refute the mass murder charges against him for the frat spree and claim the video showing him and Russell entering the house was fabricated. He sucked at reading the teleprompter, but again, I just thought he was scared. It didn’t occur to me he was Luna skinwalking until he puked blood on national TV, and she shifted back to herself. “I did not see that s--- comin’,” Lafayette told Jane, both watching the TV while continuing to drink at the bar. Luna was able to get out that vampires were keeping humans captive and feeding on them in an underground compound somewhere in New Orleans before Roslyn kicked the camera over. Roslyn’s fangs were out, but Sam flew into her mouth in fly form and shifted back to human, exploding Roslyn in the process. He was covered in bloody goo as Luna fainted with puppy Emma in her arms.

On his computer, Bill watched as Salome, wearing a purple prom gown, walked into the Room O’ Lilith and prepared to drink more of her blood, promising that vampires would rule. Sookie and Co. were in the elevator, and when the door opened, Jason shot and killed Chelsea. Great splatter. She’d had time to push the warning button to initiate Level 2 protocol, so Salome darted off not having taken a sip. Team Eric had taken out the surveillance cams. As Jason stayed behind the reception desk to keep watch and kill more vamps, the others went on.

Eric and Nora launched an aerial stake assault against a room of vamp guards. The look of Nora flying and speed-tossing stakes was a little on the cheesy side, but forgivable. Sookie and Tara went to Pam and Jessica, and Pam and Tara traded barbs while Nora and Eric argued over how to open the cell doors. How sick is it that hearing Eric and Nora banter like that I totally wanted to see them have sex again? (And I can't believe Nora lived!)

Sookie opened Jessica’s door, and Tara risked the silver burn to open Pam’s. Tara rushed in, and she and Pam kissed -- slow and passionate. “Oh, okay,” Sookie said. “I knew it!” Jessica squealed. How do I feel about this: I’m happy that it will give Tara more of a story line, but I don’t want a relationship changing Pam...

As of then, I was officially over Salome and her speeches. She told Bill again she was the Chosen One, and she drank all of the blood of Lilith. The way Bill had suggested it could have an adverse effect on her, and then smirked after she drank it, made me think perhaps he had laced it with something...

Jason, meanwhile, had killed a crapload of vamps judging by the blood in the reception area. Sookie warned him that it was them coming out, and Jessica ran to him and told him she loved him. He told her he could never love a vampire. Of course not, no one can be happy on this show. (Except Terry: WHERE THE EFF HAS TERRY BEEN?) Eric and Nora showed up, and Eric loaded them all into the elevator and told them to reload their weapons. “Hello,” Eric said as Pam passed him and touched him gently. SWOON. Sookie and Eric stayed behind to get Bill. (What happened to the others in the elevator? Check out the bonus scene here.)

We cut back to Bill and Salome, and she was crawling on the ground and puking blood. Bill HAD laced the blood with silver, but not because he was conning her for the good of humankind. He was competing with her to be the Chosen One. He knew she’d be too impatient for the Rapture to smell the silver in the blood. Fool. Bill straddled her, stake in hand, and after Salome admitted “Lilith chose wisely,” he staked her.

Bill had switched out the blood, so he had Lilith’s in another vial. As he prepared to pop the top off of it and drink, Eric and Sookie arrived. Eric told him Lilith was a mad god, nothing but destruction, and begged him to pour the blood in the fire. Sookie tried to tell Bill this wasn’t him, and Bill told her she didn’t know him at all. What if everything he’d done when he was with her was calculated? What if the light she bears is a handicap that blinds her to the fact that she is an abomination? Sookie walked closer to Bill, and I don’t think Eric should have let her get so far away from him. If Bill wanted to kill her, he could do it before Eric got there. Sookie told Bill he was unique among all the vampires she’d met -- he was capable of sympathy, kindness, and generosity. (Sorry, Eric.) Bill said he lived in fear that he was damned, and Lilith granted him freedom from that fear. When he started quoting vampire scripture, Eric knew he was a lost cause, I think. “If I ever meant anything to you at all...,” Sookie said, tearfully. “I told you the first night we met,” Bill said, stoic as ever. “Vampires often turn on those they love the most.” He drank the blood and started bleeding from his eyes and puking blood until he exploded in goo. If we hadn’t seen Lilith rise from piles of blood throughout the season, I might have thought we wouldn't see Stephen Moyer again -- which would've been shocking. As Sookie cried in Eric’s arms, a naked Bill rose from that blood, and the camera cut to a rear view just in time (a woman can go full frontal, a man can’t). “F---,” Sookie said. Bill screech-hissed like Lilith always had. “Runnnnnnnnn!” Eric said. Awesome. I'm suddenly looking forward to seeing Bill again.

Your turn. What's your theory for how Warlow will fit in to all this? Does Jason being anti-vamp affect how much you like the character? And who will Sookie sleep with next season: Assuming Alcide gets back with Rikki, will it be Eric, who'll presumably protect her, or Sam, who might have lost Luna?

SOURCE: EW