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How many of you can remember the first time you masturbated? The feeling that is unlike any other…the feeling you chase for years on end (@ least I did) only to find out that you cannot capture it again (I did have LOTS of fun trying though). I remember the first time I saw this act of self love being performed. I walked in on my uncle doing it and IMMEDIATELY I knew what he was doing despite the fact that I’ve NEVER seen this being done before. I stood there in amazement marveling the size of his dick, fight the urge to go to him and sit on it. Now the thing about this memory is that I get arouse as it plays over in my mind, but the other side of my wanting to straddle his penis frightens me because that makes me wonder if I was molested by my uncle.
I’VE NEVER TOLD THIS TO A SINGLE SOUL, NOT EVEN NOEL! But I figure since I’ve been over and over this in my mind for SO long, can I brush this off as a young boy that is curious about the anatomy of man? Heck, the image of my uncle pleasuring himself and my yearning to straddle him doesn’t feel like something I’ve seen or felt just that one time. My wanting to straddle him seems like something so familiar to me that I sometimes wonder…Nonetheless I know that there is this part of me that knows the truth, but for some reason I refuses to let myself know if I was introduced to the sexual energy of a man when I was a little boy. For MANY years my uncle LOATHE my sexuality, things got physical between us and more time than I care to count, I remember him telling me VERY often that if I grew up to be gay he would kill me.
I wonder why he didn’t kill after pretending to be asleep night after night as I masturbated watching porn in the living room after everyone feel asleep. I sometimes wonder why he allowed a few months to pass before telling me that he sees me every night and that he was NOT sleeping on the couch like I thought. I can’t help but beg to ask myself if he somehow got off on me getting off? I remember SO vividly him instructing me to throw away the porno (which was ‘straight’ btw) tape that I hid in the house along with the cum stained male underwear magazine. I thought for sure I would have gotten killed by him. But nope, I lived to carry on the act of self love, but this time I chose to indulge myself in the bathroom. I used whatever hole my penis could fit into to get off, but what I really wanted was to be penetrated. No matter, because I was getting off, in my private little world not knowing that it wouldn’t be that way for because my uncle put an end to that…AND OF COURSE HIS ANGER GREETED ME!
I sometimes wonder if his reason for hating who I am was because in himself he thought that he brought this energy to me as a young boy. I remember him SEVERELY punishing me for ‘play house’ with boys. Hell I remember him beating the crap out of me for NO reason @ all sometimes when my mom was @ work and it got WORSE when he found out that the little boy did grow up to be a gay man. The first time I just laid there and watch him go through the motions and him looking @ me with puzzle eyes because for someone who has And it is SO strange when I think about myself as that person because even though I willing participated in sex with my boyfriend, I made him wait a year before I had sex with him. OH GOD HOW I HATED IT!NEVER had sex with a man before, I sure didn’t have any reaction of pain or pleasure…I was just there…Back then I didn’t think about that boy that saw his uncle pleasuring himself or that boy that he took out his frustrations on. Nonetheless I suppose because as I carry questions with me about my relationship with my uncle, ONE IMAGE COMES TO ME & IT IS MY TELLING HIM ON HIS DEATH BED THAT I KNOW WHO HE IS & WHAT HE IS REALLY ABOUT! I CAN ONLY HOPE THEN THAT AS I REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BOY MASTURBATING IN THE DARK, I CAN SET HIM FREE…
Wow, what a post. I definitely think that by talking about it -means you have balls- but more importantly will help you bring to light more truth in those memories. What your Uncle did was horrible, and it almost seems like he was afraid of you becoming gay, because then he'd, like you said, feel responsible for bringing that on you. Do you honestly feel like he did molest you? If so, do you think that could have had any impact on who you are today as a person?
ReplyDeleteUncle might have had guilt for making u gay, in his mind, so instead of accept blame just get rid of u.
ReplyDeletethis is very touching. i so identify with you. i can only hope u manage to deal with the memories and the uncle too if need be.
ReplyDeleteI truly enjoyed this post. At first i thought you were talking about me. This is something that I grew up learning from the older guys in the neighborhood.
ReplyDeleteThe memories must be hard to tolerate or dismiss, but over time you'll think less and less of your uncle and what actually transpired.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, you're not the only one with memories of a twisted childhood, I too had an adult relative residing in my home that would subject me his masturbation sessions at night, I never mumbled a word to my parents or anyone else, he later made his move on me, and I may have actually liked it.
Years later I discussed this with my best friend Donald and he told me how he was away at a church retreat when he was told by his uncle that during the night he was humping up against his uncle and talking in his sleep (sexually). They left the next day, I later discovered that Donald had been tampered with earlier by male relatives.
Your uncle may have very well been a lover of his own image and saw that same image in you. Two tribes go to war.
I don't get how you could not know?
ReplyDeleteEither he molested you or he didn't.
Doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd forget.
There are moments in everyone's life that can & often will define who they are, IF we LET them.
ReplyDeleteHow about someone telling you that: "you're a faggot," & that "whenever you're around me, you'll always BE a faggot!"
True story.
And that person who said that damning thing to you, dies as a young man. Now you can no longer BE around them, right? So are you still a "faggot?"
Rhetorical.
Deep entry, yo.
One.
Most intense homophobes are that way because they cannot accept who they are: Gay. They see in themselves those sexual and emotional feelings toward other men...and yet are so terrified of being ostracized for these feelings that they decide to repress. They still feel the feelings, of course, but they repress them. And in repressing, become a thousand times more "heterosexual" than the most heterosexual man. They fuck every woman they can find, they become misogynistic...and they attack mercilessly anyone who reminds them of what they feel.
ReplyDeleteThat is, they attack the gay people around them who remind them that they are, deep inside, also gay.
It's not unusual for a teenage gay boy to feel intense sexual longings for a family member. Most straight teenage boys often feel sexual attractions to their mother or sisters. It's a classic Oedipal complex, which is an acknowledged part of growing up. It shouldn't trouble you at all!
Your inner little boy, masturbating in the dark, IS NOT IMPRISONED. Fear imprisons. Defeat the fear, and you've set him free to masturbate in the light. Fuck in the light. Fuck in the dark, if he wants to! To top, to bottom, to do oral only, to fist, to rim, to not fist, to fuck or sleep with or make love to anyone or anything!
The only thing which holds us back is ourselves. Do we give in to fear, to hate? Do we continue to react badly to things that happened to us, like beatings or rapes or emotional abuse? Do we continue to hold ourselves to the standards set by others who hate, or do we set our own standards and try to meet them?
Do not let an emotionally-crippled uncle restrain you. Ignore him, and be free. Choose to be free.
MIKEL – I AM SURE WHAT MY UNCLE DID HAD SOME IMPACT ON ME…I USED TO SECRETLY WISH THAT I WOULD BE GAY BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD PISS HIM OFF. I REALLY HATED HIM!
ReplyDeleteFUZZY – YEP YOU HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD!
ReplyDeleteSINIA SAFI – SO DO I…THANK YOU FOR COMMENT & WELCOME TO MY WORLD!
ReplyDeletePIMUSIQUE – LOL NAH THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU…
ReplyDeleteCHET – I HAVE THOUGHT LESS & LESS ABOUT IT, BUT THE QUESTION WHETHER SOMETHING HAPPENED IS STILL THERE…I SUPPOSE IT WILL ALWAYS REMAIN.
ReplyDeleteCOGENT – YOU HAVE A POINT, BUT IF IT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS A MERE KID I COULD NOT REMEMBER IT…I BEEN READING UP ON IT.
ReplyDeleteMOANERPLICITY – MEMORIES ARE A BITCH SOMETIMES!
ReplyDeleteTIM – I FOUND THAT TO BE TRUE WHEN IT COMES TO MY UNCLE…I FREELY MASTURBATE IN THE LIGHT & TOTALLY ENJOY IT TOO! THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. I hate that you and your uncle had issues. Sounds like he was a self hating gay. I'm glad you are an overcomer
ReplyDeleteHERSHEY'S KISS - THANK YOU. THINK THOSE ISSUES WILL REMAIN WITH HIM...HE IS A SELF HATING GAY MAN...I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!
ReplyDelete