OLDIE, BUT GOODIE: LIFE WITHOUT ME...

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AS I SIT & READ THIS ENTRY AGAIN, I CANNOT HELP BUT THINK OF PERSONS OUT THERE THAT WANT TO GIVE UP ON THEIR EXISTENCE. I WAS JUST TELLING SOMEONE THE OTHER DAY HOW EASY IT IS TO FORGET THOSE THAT FEELING THIS WAY WHEN YOU’VE PASS THROUGH IT YOURSELF. SO I HOPE THAT THIS ENTRY DOES REACH THOSE OUT THERE THAT NEED TO KNOW THAT @ THIS TIME, IN THIS SPACE, THEY ARE VERY MUCH NEEDED & THEY JUST NEED TO HOLD ON WITH ALL THEY HAVE, BECAUSE JUST WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO GIVE UP, YOU FIND THAT THERE IS NO LIFE WITHOUT ME…

Yesterday I sent a text message to everyone on my cell phone list asking the question: WOULD LIFE BE EASIER IF WE ONLY HAD OURSELVES TO LOOK OUT FOR? I asked this question because I wondered about me AND the persons in my life and how much of a burden it can be dealing with me. So I wanted them to imagine a LIFE WITHOUT ME…

I didn’t ask them directly how they would feel without me in their lives; however I got a glimpse of who has no problem with the concept if it placed in their hands. As the messages rolled in, I quickly realized that my thoughts were wrong AND that I was merely processing the events that took place yesterday that made me realize that being unemployed takes such a toll an individual. As I sit and write this entry I recognize that I got caught up in examining what was going around me instead of really deeply examining myself. My deceiving thoughts had me near tears AND I felt so alone that all I wanted to do was hide. But I am glad that I didn’t because I soon noticed that if I had, I would have simply wash off the surface and NOT deal with what is truly going on within me. I guess living in a VERY appearance-oriented AND externally focused world, forces me @ times to place a lot of value on how my life look in order for me to determine how my life really feels. And I guess that is what today was…

I lost track of my core AND felt dissociated, as if I am not fully awake, alive, OR grounded. The SURE sign that it's time to engage in the hard work of going deep within to rediscover the foundation of my life. So I hope that when I feel this way again I will remember this entry and draw strength from it. I know that pain comes AND goes; it is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And even though I may go through things when the odds are stacked HIGH against me, I MUST remember that I have to be challenge in order for me to grow AND that I should embrace my feelings AND let go of my hurt. It is obvious that I am HARD on myself which on some levels mean that I feel that I am NOT good enough…Which so is NOT the case; because I cannot image life without me why should I consider life without me for others?