¿CALL HIM OUT?

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So I was having a conversation with a guy I used to have sex with recently. When I met him I knew he had HIV...there was something about his energy that made me believe so. He had a that died of  meningitis to the brain which was a result from HIV complications. He told me that he had NO idea what caused his lover to die even though EVERYONE knew what he died from! He also told me that he hadn't been tested for more than 5 years because he didn't want to know and that he was afraid to find out. So me being me I decided that I wanted to show him that it was still possible for him to be intimate with another. And after that I kept getting on him about getting tested and he finally gave in and confirmed what I knew and thought he didn't...So he and I was having a conversation about another person that passed on due the same thing that happened to his lover. He told me how the guy stopped taking his meds and just gave up, so I asked him if he ever thought about doing the same and he told me, 'the doctor asked me if I wanted to end up like my lover ' (who was in the hospital bed @ the time)? He said that he told him NO! So then I asked him if the meds he is taking now is the same as he was taking back then and he told me NO! Which means he lied to me about knowing about his status...and I know that I decided to take him on even though I knew had HIV, but do you think I should call him out for lying about not knowing when it was clear he knew he had the disease or should I let that sleeping dog lie?

FORGET TO FORGET: 31 TO 21

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Isn’t it funny how life sometimes causes you to remember to forget, but never forget to forget? I came upon this first-hand a few weeks ago when I saw the Managing Director from my first job where I was fired for being gay. I was walking towards my car and I heard this person shouting out my name and giving me the BIGGEST hail EVER! I looked back as the car passed me, trying to figure out who it was and the person said, ‘this is me Ivy!’ I was like okay waved and kept walking…and the thought came to me, did she remember treating me like dirt because of my sexuality? I smiled because the man I am now, have NO problem with her or her past actions. I just thought to myself, how would the 31 year old me explain my forgiving her to the 21 year old me?

I could see the 21 year old me saying remember when your manager called you in her office on a daily basis to ask you how you were feeling and if everyone is treating me okay? Even when she knew they weren’t because she NEVER let me forget that if it came to her job or mine well…How could I forget the way they belittled me and made me less than human…making me question my existence on this planet. I sometimes wonder how I didn’t take my own life when it was SO hard for me to understand who I was @ that time.

But I know that I didn’t because back then I knew that as humans we judge others by what we think we see and TOO frequently our judgments are incomplete. I don’t have the need to set myself apart from what they fear and I’ve learned that though there is NO excuse for how I was treated, I understand where their fear was coming from. In the words of Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As I traveled my path, I bear in mind that we VERY seldom know what roads people have traveled before we encounter them or why they came into our lives. But I know that the natural thing for me to do is accept that experience and still grieve for the way things ended up.

I would hope that the 21 year old me would understand that bitter feelings ONLY allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. So while we all are tethered to the earth, existing in bodies, our physical selves can seem burdensome at times. So as I carry this welcome burden from my past, I know that I am WHOLLY present in a body and that gives me a better understand of my place on this planet. So I hope that I get to see each and everyone of them so that I can show the 21 year old me that @ 31 I have moved past what we were to them and ourselves and I feel blessed that I went down such a path because now that I know better, I can do better…

SWALLOWING SEMEN IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

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Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular occurrence will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

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THE FATHER, SON & UNHOLY GHOSTS

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We are not always
the bravest sons
our fathers dream.
Nor do they always
dream of us.
We don't always
recognize him
if we have never
seen his face.
We are suspicious
of strangers.
Question:
is he the one?iiI stand waist deep
in the decadence of forgetting.
The vain act of looking the other way.
Insisting there can be peace
and fecundity without confrontation.
The nagging question of blood hounds me.
How do I honor it?iiiI don't understand
our choice of angers,
your domestic violence,
my flaring temper.
I wanted tenderness
to belong to us
more than food or money.
The ghost of my wants
is many things:
lover, guardian angel,
key to our secrets,
the dogs we let sleep.
The rhythm of silence
we do not disturb.ivI circle questions of blood.
I give a fierce fire dance.
The flames call me.
It is safe. I leap
unprepared to be brave. I surrender
more frightened of being alone.
I have to do this
to stay alive.
To be acknowledged.
Fire calls. I slither
to the flames
to become birth.vA black hole, gaseous,
blisters around its edge,
swallows our estranged years.
They will never return
except as frightening remembrances
when we are locked in closets
and cannot breathe or scream.I want to be free, daddy,
of the black hole between us.
The typical black hole.
If we let it be
it will widen enough
to swallow us.
Won't it?viIn my loneliest gestures
learning to live
with less is less.
I forstalled my destiny.
I never wanted
to be your son.
You never
made the choice
to be my father.
What we have learned
from no text book:
is how to live without
one another.
How to evade the stainless truth.
Drug pain bleary-eyed.
Harmless.
Store our waste in tombs
beneath the heart,
knowing at any moment
it could leak out.
And do we expect to survive?
What are we prepared for?
Trenched off.
Communications down.
Angry in alien tongues.
We use extreme weapons
to ward off one another.
Some nights, our opposing reports
are heard as we dream.
Silence is the deadliest weapon.
We both use it.
Precisely. Often.

¿WOULD HER 'GOD' REALLY UNDERSTAND?

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None of us is born with a visitors' guide that provides explicit rules for thought and behavior that will enable us to navigate life successfully. So when we have to deal with the numberless amount of complexities to which we are ALL subjected to, we each develop a set of habits that grounds us in assuring that life is progressing. And THE ONE habit that is used by many is doing things in the name of their ‘GOD’.

The other day it was reported in the news here that a man had sex with four boys ages 6, 5, 4 & 2; all are brothers and were in his care. So the subject of this heinous act came up @ work and one of the ladies in the conversation decided to express her feeling towards the man. She was going on and on about how in the name of Jesus and his angels how she wish she could get her hands on him so she could butcher him because of what he did. Of course she let it be known that God would understand. Now I understand her feeling and I know where it is coming from, but I can’t help wonder: ¿WOULD HER ‘GOD’ REALLY UNDERSTAND?

Me being the one that doesn’t subscribe to HER beliefs and HER god, I can’t help but feel that if HER creator is all knowing N’ powerful and he allowed this to take place, how can she take such a position? I know she is a mere human, but I feel that she should understand that she is ONLY seeing the under side, while her ‘GOD’ is seeing the upper side. What happened to her grieving for both the man and the boys and leaving the rest up to her ‘GOD?’ When this life is all but done we shall know the reason why pain was entwined with joy, but until then what should she do?

How about she NOT commit spiritual suicide by limiting her ‘GOD’ through shutting down the possibility of being enlightened and enriched by the things that happen on this planet, be it good OR bad? How can one build such a barrier between themselves and our fellow travelers and then feel such anger that we think we could/should take care of ‘GOD’s’ business? I ALWAYS thought that people like her and their beliefs in ‘GOD’ meant that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE…DESPITE WHAT OTHERS DO…Isn’t EVERY human being  intrinsically good, despite themselves? So why can’t she somehow keep her soul open and forgive just because? .

I ALWAYS thought that forgiveness frees us from and provides an opportunity to make a fresh start. Would my asking her to forgive such a man mean she is condoning his actions? All she is doing is living with stagnant energy that will continue to eat and destroy us on this planet! I wonder if for ONE second she considers what it must be like for the man who committed this heinous crime? How messed up was he to not stop himself from taking these boys to such a place? Please note that I am NOT supporting his actions, I am just trying to bring balance to what took place as I endeavor to see the world the way he does.  

There is a message in such a painful act and as a society we continuously MISS IT! We are NOT about finding the cause to such a problem we are ONLY concerned about the punishment we want to inflict. Destroying such a soul does NOT stop it from happening again and though anger takes us, should we allow such an impulse to take us over? Things like incest and molestation are the universe’s way of letting us know that something is wrong with how we live and co-exist with each other on this planet. If we listen to pain and NOT resist the valuable message it brings us, we would find ourselves, communities and planet in a better place. So I am asking for her to have an emotional understanding instead of throwing away another because she deemed him NOT fit to be part of her “‘GOD’s” world…That way of thinking NEVER served a purpose and the internal filter that manipulates which parts of her inner monologues get voiced outside of her head needs to be checked because I am not sure that her ‘GOD’ would really understand her actions towards his creation in his name…