PERMISSION TO BE...

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AIN’T HUMANITY INTERESTING? We have the features AND the body parts that says we are HUMAN; yet some how we have fallen short in matching up to OUR TRUE POTENTIAL. Is it because we are BORN one way AND our lives turn out to be another? I SAY NO! Yes OUR creation comes from the impartation of another; however I feel that if we give OURSELVES PERMISSION TO JUST BE, things will be more than fine. But as it stands, we are SO lost AND are in need of rescue before the life raft goes over the edge of the waterfall. It AMAZES me how sophisticated AND refine we think we are, but we are NOT! Our race is in trouble because we have lost OUR LOYALTY, STRENGTH & LOVE for each other. These days anything can look like a man OR woman. ANYTHING can creep in us that look, sounds AND have the features of what a human should be like. But in order for us to avoid this flaw, we need to operate from the SOUL and STOP living as if we don’t have THE PERMISSION TO BE…It is crazy we live for this world AND the things that are in it. From having SEX to LYING, STEALING & HURTING each other we leave OUR humanity UNGUARDED. Hence, we do NOT know the meaning of having HUMAN relations with each other. They say that you only get ONE chance @ life and SO many of us are messing it up; and who is @ fault for this? WE ALL ARE…for each and every one of us do NOT live as if we know the value of human life. IT IS EVERY MAN FOR HIM & GOD FOR US ALL, but I wonder if God would truly want any of us for the ways we treat his creation? Nonetheless, we are handing on years AND years of appalling ideologies to the next generation that will completely destroy the world. I wish we lived as if we have THE PERMISSION TO live a life that is NOT tainted with falsehood, lies AND bitterness. But to HELL with my wishful thinking for this cycle of life was here long before me and I am sure it’ll be long after I am gone. This destruction AND pain seems to have a STRONG-HOLD on the world AND we are NOT interested in fighting it off. Instead MOST of us HIDE behind a mask to keep ourselves safe from our humanity. This false sense of self we project in order for us to appear more PERFECT, more POWERFUL & more ACCEPTED does none of us any good. And the world rewards us EXTERNALLY for it while INTERNALLY we die a slow death. We masquerade in a word that tells us that we are NOT enough; yet we try feel bigger, better OR more important when we already are. If only we could ACKNOWLEDGE our wrinkles AND laugh @ our personal eccentricities without buckling under the pressure of an impossible world that does NOT show us the BIGGER picture. ISN’T IT TIME THAT WE INSPIRE OURSELVES, LET DOWN OUR DEFENSES & RELAX BECAUSE FATE OF HUMANITY IS @ STAKE? WE NEED TO GIVE OURSELVES THE PERMISSION TO FEEL FREE & NOT HIDE BEHIND ANY OF THE BARRIERS THAT ARE PRESENT IN THIS WORLD. @ THE END OF THE DAY, WE MUST COME TO TERMS WITH CHANGING WHO WE ARE IN ORDER TO BECOME WHO WE ARE, FOR IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN TAKE THIS WORLD WHERE IT OUGHT TO BE. IT IS MY HOPE THAT THESE WORDS FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS THAT I PLACE HERE TODAY WILL INFLUENCE & PROVOKE US OUT OF BONDAGE. THE CHAINS THAT HOLD US BACK, ONLY EXIST OUT OF MISUNDERSTANDING, HATRED & COLDNESS & I GIVE YOU PERMISSION WITH A CLEAR HEART N’ MIND TO WALK AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS…I KNOW THE JOURNEY IS LONG, HARD & LONELY; BUT AS IT IS SAID, HE WHO IS ILLUMINATED WITH THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT WILL CAST THE DARKEST SHADOW, SO LET NOT YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED & IT TIME THAT WE SET OUR SOULS FREE.

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL

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DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL (JUST ONE OF DEM DAYS)" is a song by R&B singer Monica. It was written by producer Dallas Austin, Willie James Baker, Derek Simmons and rapper LL Cool J for her debut studio album, Miss Thang (1995), and is built around a sample of the record "You're Getting a Little too Smart" as peformed by The Detroit Emeralds. Released as Monica's debut single in the United States during the second quarter of 1995 (see 1995 in music), the song saw a large impact on the charts: While it spent two weeks on top of the Billboard Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart, it also reached number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, and the top 10 in Australia and New Zealand. This song really got my attention and I fell in love with Miss Thang, she became my second Toni Braxton.

STEPPING BACK

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I have always been one that believes that as you grow and experience life that you handle things differently. And NOTHING proves this point more than a relationship. My current relationship has been going for 10 LOVELY months and though 95% of that is filled with good times it AMAZES me how the 5% could REALLY put a hurting on things. This 5% of hurt has been living in my midst for the past 2 days and it has been interesting to say the least. Nonetheless, I believe that a relationship, in the truest sense of the word, means relating to another. And usually when we say that we relate to someone, it is because we've found common ground. But I have found out that apart of relating is finding ways to make things that seem to be opposites come together. I’ve often found that when I choose a relationship, I try to fit another person into my predetermined ideal. When they don't fit perfectly and there is a difference of opinion I try to make them over which is NEVER a good thing. Therefore I have realized that taking a STEP BACK, giving him some time to cool off helps with the tense moments. Separating ourselves from the heat of the moment, I find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but it has brought up feelings related to something else entirely. In our case we are ALWAYS on different topics so it PAYS to get a breather. He gets SO consumed with being heard that he is NOT listening, which presents something interesting in itself. I know that I can say things that are hurtful so I try to use as much tact as I possibly can so I can defuse the situation before it gets the best of us. And as much as this takes its toll on us, the makeup SEX is something that I can definitely become addicted to, despite the drama AND excitement. I guess DEEP down inside I know that there is NOTHING wrong with an argument because we STILL LOVE each other through it all. I mean if he is the man that I want and NOT someone that I’ve imagined I know he is the my IMPERFECT man which works for me. Being with him makes me see that an HONEST relationship is one in which we accept each other as whole individuals, and us finding a way to share our lives together. The good AND the bad…in this regard I get to LOVE him all over again for the FIRST time AND that makes our relationship something EXTREMELY special. SO STEPPING BACK FROM HURTING EACH CAN ACTUALLY SAVE US FOR US.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE! Can someone tell me how a relationship can be fine one minute then change in a second? I ask this question because I was having a chat session with someone that I thought I could call a friend, but it turned out that he is just a mere acquaintance. Our chat session began with the normal pleasantries…the hellos and well wishes were exchanged; but they were replaced by questions AND bewilderment on my part. What started out so innocent quickly made me realize that I was having a conversation with someone that has obviously stayed away from because they didn’t get the outcome they desired where I was concerned. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was taught that if two persons were to go a journey they BOTH have to want it. Nevertheless, he is here asking me how my room-mate was doing when in fact he has his cell number and could send him a text and find out…but if he does that, that means that he is somehow he is tapping into my world and that would be terrible. RIGHT? I was just being a friend and he wanted something more, but his heart wasn’t in it and my heart wanted someone else. This situation QUICKLY reminded me of the persons that I’ve met that I NO longer have day-to-day contact with and it saddens me. Why is that if one doesn’t get what he OR she feels they should, they just distance themselves? Everyone say they want friendship, love AND acceptance but it turns out that they don’t. So when I point that out I end up being the boy on the playground that the other kids avoid. I know there is NO crystal ball to predict how things will turn out; but I have to wonder if somehow I am meant to be alone? I get that there are some people that will come along in life and stay for a while but I can’t help but wonder why that is? I can only wonder why we make friends, have family members OR fall in love to have to walk away from those relationships. And I can’t help but feel angry AND disappointed because of the silly notion that I am meeting folks that would somehow turn the community around. Foolish of me believed that as the world evolves, humanity is learning to work from the heart. I guess some child-like things never leave us huh? If only we realize that the expectations society ask of us are NOT what we need. It is ONLY when we are spiritual beings we can be free and NOT feel bound by the superficiality of this world. AS OF LATE I HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE TRUE CONNECTIONS & TAKE A SELFISH ATTITUDE WHEN IT COMES TO MY LIFE. I HAVE DECIDED TO PUT ME FIRST! THE FOLKS THAT I MEET TAKE SO MUCH OUT OF ME & LEAVE ME FEELING HALF OF WHAT I AM. MY EYE IS ON THE BIGGER PICTURE & I CAN’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS DO OR SAY. THOUGH I MAKE THIS PROMISE TO MYSELF, I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND…

¿BLACK GAY PRIDE A DEEPER LOVE?

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According to http://www.inthelifeatl.com/ today marks the 12th Annual Atlanta Black Gay Pride Celebration. This even is said to be THE WORLD’S LARGEST PRIDE CELEBRATION FOR BLACK LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL & TRANSGENDER PEOPLE. Although this celebration may be a significant one for the GAY community, I can’t help but to wonder how AND why this positive celebration is overshadowed by the negative things that take place? A friend of mine asked me the other day if I was going to Atlanta this year for pride and I told him NO, I did NOT see a reason for me being there and I didn’t feel that I needed to be a place that showed me that pride is about a social gathering for getting drunk AND having sex with each other. As angry as this makes me, it saddens me more than anything else because Atlanta is a very popular place for people of color because of its STRONG black presence. Nonetheless, we just squander our chances @ really showing the gay community that we can in fact do more than have sex with each other. The private barbecues and other social gatherings are all in good fun but I still wonder how is that they somehow turn out to be a sex fest? Even the Lennox Mall turns out to be this pre-club event where gay men go to check each other out AND be as GAY as they can. All this shows is that there is NO real connection AND instead of us embracing each other we are just breaking down a community that can get no worse. If only the ITLA’S theme (TIME TO ACT) were actually adhered to…I guess that is just wishful thinking on my part. Nonetheless, I know that 90% of the gay folks that leave this event won’t feel that they PROMOTED the issues of BLACK gay people of the world. I am SURE they know that they didn’t build relationships that would hold them for a lifetime. But then again I guess those things don’t matter because it isn’t like they will see any of their sex partners again…RIGHT? Therefore, my words are null in void AND I am wrong about all of this, maybe I am the one that is left of the middle and the behavior conducted here is VERY much on point. No matter because I am that rare homosexual, the type that seldom goes to gay bars OR clubs. I actually want some sort of future for all of us. How did this group of people that have NO real appreciation of how good they have it as GAY men AND women become the norm? Am I @ fault for NOT showing them otherwise? Whatever it is I know that we on BOTH sides of this behavior are SO caught up in doing things the way others think we should that it seems that we have forgotten that NO one but us can tell us how to be gay. We have all indeed LOST our way…BUT I DIGRESS…AS THE FUTURE GOES, MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT AS TIME GOES ON WE WILL LEARN THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOLDING A MAN’S D!CK & CHAINING HIS SOUL. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR US TO NOTE THAT BEING GAY IS NOT ABOUT THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IT IS ABOUT SECURITY, ACCEPTANCE & SELF-LOVE. IT WOULD BE NICE IF THE KISSES, TOUCHES & FEELINGS EXCHANGED WERE ALL GOING TO LEAD US SOMEWHERE INSTEAD OF US LOSING A BIT OURSELVES YEAR AFTER YEAR. THEY SAY THAT 13 IS AN UNLUCKY NUMBER, BUT I WILL HOLD OUT HOPE THAT AFTER THIS GAY PRIDE EVENT WE WILL PAVE THE ROAD & START THE BUILDING UP THE COMMUNITY SO THAT YEAR 13 CAN MARK THE POSITIVE WAY FORWARD. ISN’T IT TIME THAT WE STOP HANDING DOWN A WHOLE HEAP OF CONFUSION & NOTHINGNESS?

GAY MARRIAGE CARDS

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One of the world's largest greeting card company is rolling out same-sex wedding cards — featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside. "Two hearts. One promise," one says. Hallmark added the cards after California joined Massachusetts as the only U.S. states with legal gay marriage. A handful of other states have recognized same-sex civil unions. The language inside the cards is neutral, with no mention of wedding or marriage, making them also suitable for a commitment ceremony. Hallmark says the move is a response to consumer demand, not any political pressure. "It's our goal to be as relevant as possible to as many people as we can," Hallmark spokeswoman Sarah Gronberg Kolell said. Hallmark's largest competitor, American Greetings Corp., has no plans to enter the market, saying its current offerings are general enough to speak to a lot of different relationships. Hallmark started offering "coming out" cards last year, and the four designs of same-sex marriage cards are being gradually released this summer and will be widely available by next year. No sales figures were available yet. "When I have shopped for situations like babies or weddings for gay friends I have good luck in quirky stores," said Kathryn Hamm, president of the Web site gayweddings.com. "But if you are just in a generic store ... the bride and groom symbol or words are in most cards," she said. "It becomes difficult to find some that are neutral but have some style." The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law estimates that more than 85,000 same-sex couples in the United States have entered into a legal relationship since 1997, when Hawaii started offering some legal benefits to same-sex partners. It estimates nearly 120,000 more couples will marry in California during the next three years — and that means millions of potential dollars for all sorts of wedding-industry businesses. Hallmark, known more for its Midwest mores than progressive greetings, has added a wider variety lately. It now offers cards for difficulty getting pregnant or going through rehab. It pulled a controversial card that featured the word "queer" in the punch line after it was criticized by some customers and gay magazine The Advocate last year. At any given time, Hallmark has 200 different wedding cards on the market, including some catering to interracial or inter-religious marriages and blended families. The Greeting Card Association, a trade group, says it does not track how many companies provide same-sex cards but believes the number is expanding. "The fact that you have someone like Hallmark going into that niche shows it's growing and signals a trend," said Barbara Miller, a spokeswoman for the association. Rob Fortier, an independent card maker who runs his company, Paper Words, out of New York, added same-sex wedding cards to his mix after thinking about what he would want to receive. "A lot of people think a gay greeting card needs a rainbow on it," Fortier said. "I don't want that." But for some time, it was difficult to even find the words for what anyone wanted to say, he said. His first card poked fun at the challenge. On the outside it featured lines that had been scratched out: "Congratulations on being committed!", "Congratulations on being unionized!" and, finally, "Congratulations on being domestically partnered!" The inside wished the couple congratulations on choosing to be together forever. "It really comes down to language," he said. John Stark, one of the three founders of Three Way Design in Boston, which makes gay-themed cards for occasions from adoption to weddings, has several new designs sketched out and ready. But he has hesitated adding more wedding cards to his mix until after the November election, when California voters will decide a constitutional amendment that would again limit marriage to a man and a woman in the state. "What is scary is to produce a marriage line and then November comes and it's recalled, then we have thousands of dollars of inventory waiting," he said. The gay-friendly business can be challenging, companies said. Hamm said although she has found many vendors willing to work with her company, some have asked to be removed from the Web site because of hate mail or some other backlash. Hallmark says all of its stores can choose whether they want to add the latest offerings.

HAPPY EARTH~DAY SIS

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When we spend time together

I want you to know

I enjoy your company so much

I don't want to go

You're someone I can count on

When I need a helping hand

You know me so well

You always understand

We have our ups and downs

This we both know

Through it all our bond

Still manages to grow

We may be different

In many ways

But we still enjoy each other

When together we spend our days

What I'm trying to tell you

You may already know

You're an important part in my life

And I hope this I show

HAPPY EARTH~DAY MY SISTER, I LOVE YOU

¿WHO IS GOD?

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The other day I was telling a friend about a dream I had some years back about judgment day when I was boy. In this dream God was in this chariot with white horses and reading from this scroll. His voice was VERY commanding AND firm yet there was something fearful about him. I guess it was TOO late to hide OR try to turn your life around; but as I grew up I couldn’t help but to wonder ¿WHO IS GOD? As far as my personal views, I was raised Catholic home where going to church EVERY Sunday wasn't an option. In church I was told God cared about me and my actions affected God and his mood towards me. Imagine how I felt when I realized that I was THE thing God hated most? Suffice to say I DON’T BELIEVE THAT GOD IS WHAT WE SAY OR BELIEVE ABOUT HIM; I don’t think that God is a man with a white beard overlooking our doings from the clouds. That creation of God is the concept of religion that is NOT @ all working for us. These folks would have us believe that if you are NOT for God then you are against him…which will lead you into the fiery pits of hell. Now I don’t believe this is case, but I do believe that God would not create each and every one of us without some way of letting us know who he is…RIGHT? I think that knowing who God is accepting everything that he has created on this planet. I feel that seeking WHOLENESS in the deepest sense of the meaning is the only way we can TRULY know who God is; and placing the identification of who he is in the religious realm is a slap in his face. The fact that most of the world uses an ancient manual to figure him out shows that we have limit our thinking N’ beliefs for it is TOO vague and who needs that? SO I SAY TAKE THE TIME TO FIND OUT WHO GOD IS IN YOUR WAY, FORGET WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TOLD & BELIEVE. IF YOU WERE TO FOLLOW YOUR TRUE PATH, YOU FIND THE AUTHENTIC POWER & THE REASSURANCE IN YOUR HEART THAT I HAVE WHEN IT COMES TO GOD. SO IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHO GOD IS, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT ONE MUST BELIEVE IN THE UNBELIEVABLE PURPOSE OF A BEING WHO IS SO POWERFUL THAT WE ARE GODS OURSELVES…

FREE YOUR MIND

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"FREE YOUR MIND" is the name of a Grammy Award-nominated hit single released by the all-female R&B group En Vogue in September 24, 1992 from their critically-acclaimed album Funky Divas. The anti-prejudice rock-oriented song reached number eight on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and number sixteen on the UK Singles Chart. En Vogue is a Grammy nominated American female R&B vocal quartet assembled by music producers Denzil Foster and Thomas McElroy. To date, En Vogue has sold over twenty million albums and singles worldwide. They have won more MTV Video Music Awards than any other female group in MTV history, a total of seven. According to Billboard magazine, they were the eighteenth most successful act of the 1990s.These women are my B!TCHES I LOVE them to death and I recently heard about a reunion…you know I am there!!!

TIME FOR SELF-PRESERVATION

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THE WHOLE HIV/AIDS STORY IS, RIDDLED WITH TRICKS, EXPERIMENTS, FAKE VACCINES, SCANDALS & LIES! I have seen and or heard enough about this disease to make this BLATANT statement and I stand FIRM by it. HIV/AIDS was quickly stereotyped as a GAY DISEASE 25 years ago because most of the victims were homosexuals. Though there are about 40 million persons world-wide are living with this disease today, I am sure that NOT all of them are homosexual. Nonetheless, the number of people infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is 40 percent higher than the Centers for Disease Control has recorded earlier which brings me to say that HIV/AIDS prevention is NOT just a GAY thing; but something that involves ALL of us. Therefore, it is my belief that THE TIME IS NOW FOR SELF-PRESERVATION! We live in a world that breeds myth AND dangerous prejudices that spread the virus and the stereotyping that come along with it. I find it sad that is has literally come down to this, but did it have to come to this? I SAY NO! The mere fact that HIV/AIDS settled in the community of the world is NO surprise…well @ least not to me. We are faced with an epidemic that we know how to prevent yet we do NOTHING. This disease is such an epidemic because we have allowed it to thrive in the shadows, with too little open discussion and leadership to conquer it. There needs to be some SERIOUS initiatives when it comes to this disease and has to come from us having a frank series of conversations with us. I read somewhere how there were these town meetings in this country where they started with the clergy, the leaders whom many look to for guidance. I felt that something like that should be done world-wide. But as GREAT as that would be, there still is a need for more. I thought since HIV/AIDS has such a unique effect on men both gay AND straight alike I felt that we need to have meeting FOR MEN-BETWEEN MEN. This could be accompanied by a SEX IN THE CITY meeting for women and REAL SIDE OF SEX forum for youngsters. If we are serious about PRESERVING ourselves these need to be a NO holds barred, civil discussions, led by well-known popular figures, such as nationally syndicated radio personalities, popular pastors AND government officials. We have such a need for REAL honest discussions about sex and ALL the things that come along with that we can’t afford to waste anymore time. @ The end of it all, I feel that there needs to be two important themes we need to emphasize if we are to get a handle on this disease and that is PREVENTION BY ENGAGING IN SAFE SEX WHICH MEANS KNOWING YOUR PARTNER & TESTING FOR EVERY PERSON WITHIN THE COMMUNITY. I am of the assumption that a knowledgeable community is a secure community and though we have a long way to go I feel that we are too important to this planet to destroy ourselves in this manner. IT IS SAID THAT EACH ERA HAS ITS PHENOM, THE THING THAT CHANGES OUR ASSUMPTIONS OF WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO MANKIND…THIS IS THE AGE OF HIV/AIDS & IT PRESENTS US THE OPPORTUNITY TO GAIN MASTERY IN SAFE GUARDING OUR SPECIES. HOWEVER, MANY OF US ARE AFRAID TO STEP OUT INTO THE WORLD & MAKE IT HAPPEN…WE ARE JUST HANGING BACK DREAMING, WAITING & WATCHING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN THAT WON’T BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY SURVIVAL INSTINCTS LEFT WHEN IT COMES TO HIV/AIDS.

AFTER, AFTER ELLEN

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I feel that we stand @ the edge of what is the end of the GAY community and our ability to sustain life as we know it NO longer exists. I find that we have too much of a mirror thing going on in a sense that we are primarily concerned about what is happening with us and us only. Where this is not a bad thing, it can be damaging. Isn’t it interesting that to note that for all our cleverness, we GAY folks are more ignorant than knowledgeable? I ask this question because I feel that WE the GAY men of this community have somehow been seduced into believing the illusion that we can control a world that is complex AND beyond our ability to understand WITHOUT our female counterparts. It seems that we have commit to an ignorance based view that somehow, someway LESBIANS don’t OR are not significant in this community when in fact they are. So how about we be realistic for once in our lives? All I want is that we avoid living in a world we think exists and pay attention to the world that does. I get that such thought requires a RADICAL way of thinking, but do we have any other choice? Imagine that you are riding comfortably on a sleek train. You look out the window and see that not too far ahead another train headed your way, what would you do? Both trains are going full steam ahead so you can imagine the catastrophe that is awaiting the persons on those trains? Well this is how things are in the GAY community; we are NOT a cohesive unit. Would it be better if we were all on one train traveling in one direction? Instead we are trapped on one of those trains believing this is THE reality when it is NOT! Imagine how much better we can be if GAY men AND women were working in harmony. This unsustainable system can't be sustained if we continue in this manner. The old future and the way we thought things should work, truly is gone. We need to RETHINK a new future, but we first need to understand the present. For we are just living in direct conflict with our common sense which is utter nonsense. The solutions, if there are to be any, will come through a significant shift in how we live and a dramatic acceptance of the ENTIRE community. And I feel that is will first have to come from men such as myself. For a while I have been thinking about we forget to mention OR give thought to the women who are struggling just like us when it comes to their sexuality. We already live in a world where men see women as entities that they derive their sexual pleasure from. Though we GAY men don’t do that, I feel that the denunciation of LESBIANS is just the same. THIS REJECTION JUST SHOULD SHOW US HOW THE MODERN WORLD HAS STRIPPED US OF OUR HUMANITY THAT WE ARE INCAPABLE OF RESPONDING TO THIS COMMUNITY CRISES; HENCE THIS BLOG ENTRY. I TALK ABOUT LOVE & UNITY WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE OF HOMOSEXUALITY & I INTEND ON CHANGING THAT. I KNOW THAT I SPEAK OF BEING ONE COMMUNITY & SOME MAY ASK HOW CAN THAT BE DONE IF I AM GIVING THE LESBIANS THEIR OWN FILING CABINET. TRUTH BE TOLD I AM MERELY SHINING THE SPOT LIGHT ON THEM, GIVING THEM A PLACE @ THE TABLE. AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THEY ARE AS WE SEE OURSELVES. I AM AWARE OF THE LIMITATIONS BUT I AM EAGER TO TEST THEM. BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS I WANT TO BE FULLY ALIVE AS POSSIBLE, WHICH MEANS STRUGGLING JOYFULLY AS THE MOVEMENT THAT SEARCHES FOR THE ROAD TO A MORE JUST & SUSTAINABLE WORLD IS FOUND. I GUESS THIS MEANS THAT I LIVE IN A REALITY THAT CANNOT BE COMPREHEND THAT DOES NOT LEAD ME TO FEAR THEIR INSIGNIFICANCE, BUT SENDS ME OFF IN AN ENDLESS SEARCH THAT CELEBRATES ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

ONLINE DATING/HOOK UP TIPS

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so many of us get all excited AND caught up in meeting someone new via the internet. While this is a fun AND interesting thing, it can also be VERY dangerous. Way too many of us got hurt, raped AND robbed by men that turned out to be what they were not. So here are a few tips on how to navigate such treachery waters.

CRAWL BEFORE YOU WALK – Take things very slowly while chatting online with a stranger. Take time to get to know the person and ask as many detailed questions as possible before committing to meet. Sometimes the person on the other end of the computer may not be who they say they are. Watch for inconsistencies or strange behavior. If you see any warning signs or just have a bad feeling about the situation, don't continue to chat with the person. Better safe than sorry!

PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY & PERSONAL INFORMATION – For your own protection, never disclose any personal information that a stranger could use to possibly take advantage of you. It's not necessary to always use a fake name, but be weary of giving out your address, place of work or other sensitive information.

LEAVE A TRAIL – It only takes one incident to put you in harm's way. Should something happen on a blind date or net hookup, you can greatly assist the proper authorities by leaving a log of where you're traveling or telling a good friend the exact location of your trip. When sending the message via text OR e-mail please ensure that include the date’s screen name, description, picture and/or address. This may seem cumbersome or over-protective, but your safety is well worth a few seconds of your time.

GET A PHOTO – Prior to meeting, be sure to get a photo of your date. Ask as many detailed questions about the picture as possible, including the date it was taken. Save the picture in an accessible place on your computer.

TALK ON THE PHONE FIRST – There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation before meeting blindly. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they communicate. You don't have to be psychic to get a bad feeling after the conversation or to realize that you may not be a good match after all.

MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE – Picking a mutually comfortable meeting place alleviates tension and gives you an out should you feel uncomfortable. Meet in a public place with many people in the surrounding area.

MAP AN ESCAPE ROUTE – After your meeting, take a route other than your normal path should he attempt to follow you without our consent or mean you harm.

KNOW HIS SEXUAL HISTORY – The best way to protect your body (remember HIV and Syphilis are still alive and well) is to know the status of your sexual partner. Some men lie about their HIV status. Warning signs are refusal to answer the question, ambiguity about the date of their last STD tests, ambiguity about the number of partners they've been with, and willingness to have sex without a condom among others. Protect yourself by assuming your partner is positive until proven otherwise.

NEVER WALK IN A DARK APARTMENT OR HOUSE – If you can’t see, you can’t secure your safety; also trust your instincts and go with you gut. If it doesn’t feel right, usually it isn’t, hold off thinking with your other head.

CARRY SOME INSURANCE – Bring something like a knife or pepper spray so that you can easily use it to fight for your life. Things happen so fast and there is but a split second between life and death, make sure you walk away with yours.

PORN AND THE BLACK WOMAN

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I am not one to watch STRAIGHT porn; but when I do I always seem to leave with WTF moment look on my face which is brought on by seeing how BLACK women in porn look. Now I get that this STRAIGHT porn is more for the male’s ego; but how can anyone feel excited OR interested in getting with the BLACK women that they are paired with? I just wonder what is going on in the porn industry when we see these BOOTY BOUNCING, SAGGY TITS LICKING…& WEAR OUT VAJAYJAY about to perform on camera. I TOTALLY get that these women have some appeal to those that watch it (ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY) but why have them in porn looking that way @ all? When you look @ WHITE women in porn they look nice, ok looking pussy (ASSUMING THAT IS HOW IT SUPPOSE TO LOOK) and their breasts are either surgically enhanced OR just near perfect. If a BLACK woman is going to do porn I feel that she should be on par OR look even better than her WHITE counterparts. But as things stay the way they are I feel that these women NOT only degrade the art of pornography; but they undermine the BLACK woman as well. Only God could explain how AND why they would further complicate the plight of BLACK people in this manner? Within many black communities around the world, it is extremely difficult for young men and women to get together and make a life with each other. Men have this already possessive view of women; we see this in RAP VIDEOS, MAGZINES and PORN. I just feel that porn takes the cake because it definitely does NOT leave anything to the imagination. Consuming this type of porn goes against the FANTASY porn should represent. But given that these women look like just your ordinary woman in the neighbourhood is it any wonder that things are the way they are? Viewing BLACK women in this manner is the ULTIMATE degradation that just showcases an atrocious element that is accepted. And OUR current way of life is flawed and if we are to survive, we need to impose self-conscious limits on ourselves. I get this may seem crazy, but is it anymore crazier than what we have now? WE ARE SPECIES FIRST & WATCHING THESE WOMEN TRY TO MAKE A LIVING IN THIS MANNER JUST PROVES THAT OUR FUTURE IS GONE. WE ARE IN TROUBLE ON ALL FRONTS & THE TROUBLE IS WIDER & DEEP THAN MOST OF US SEE. WE SHOULD STRUGGLE TO BUILD A ROAD ON WHICH WE CAN WALK PASS THIS PROBLEM; THOUGH IT IS NOT GOING TO LOOK LIKE THE LIFE WE HAVE ENVISIONED WE NEED TO WALK IT NONETHELESS. WHATEVER OUR INDIVIDUAL CONCEPT IS ABOUT PORN, WE ALL NEED RE-EVALUATE THOSE ASSUMPTIONS & I FEEL WE CAN START WITH THINGS THAT WE CARE ABOUT MOST…SEX! AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO CLEAN THINGS UP BY ELMINATING THE BOTTOM FEEDERS IN PORN?

THE SHRINKING CLOSET

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I read the other day about the murder of a young man by the name Lawrence King and it quickly became reminded me that we live in a society that is NOT prepared to deal with HOMOSEXUALITY @ any stage. Nonetheless, there are COUNTLESS of young males AND females who are trying on their sexuality AND displaying it for the world to see. Children are coming out younger in a society that cannot handle the complex issues of identity and sexuality. This situation has DIRE implications as we see with the murder of Larry. Even though homosexuality has become more accepted, the prospect of being openly gay @ a tender age raises a troubling set of issues. Kids may want to express who they are, but they are playing grown-up without fully knowing what that means. @ The same time, society is uncomfortable dealing with sexual issues in children. And young gay men AND women are caught in between. How do you protect legitimate, personal expression while preventing inappropriate, sometimes harmful, behavior? Larry King was, admittedly, a problematical test case: he was a troubled child who flaunted his sexuality and wielded it like a weapon—it was often his first line of defense. But his story sheds light on the difficulty of defining the limits of tolerance. Though his murder was horrible, the reason for it is not clear. Moreover, the fact that it was done by a male that was his age it makes it harder to deal with. Nevertheless, his life was taken and someone has to try and wash the blood off their hands, I just don’t think that person is entirely Brandon McIerney. In a tragedy such as this, the natural impulse is to try to understand why it happened and to look for someone to blame. But in my opinion EVERYONE of us are @ fault; I say this because we live in this world AND pretend that certain things aren’t happening OR that they will just somehow disappear. This just shows how wrong we are AND how bad things are in this world. Clearly the world would rather that we do NOT express OUR appearant SEXUALITY in the face of others. This is well understood, but what do you say to a child that does NOT know of this hatred AND ignorance? How do they balance their right to self-expression while preventing it from disrupting others? I FIND IT AMAZING HOW HATRED IS PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION; & IT IS OBVIOUS THAT COMING OUT @ A YOUNG AGE CAN PROVED TO BE A FRAUGHT PROCESS. THE SAD THING IS THAT FOR MOST YOUNG PERSONS TALKING ABOUT BEING GAY ISN’T REALLY ABOUT SEX; SEXUAL FEELINGS ARE TOO VAGUE & UNFAMILIAR TO BE ANY SORT OF MOTIVATION. IT IS MORE ABOUT EXPLORING THEIR IDENTITY IN A WORLD THAT DOES NOT WANT TO BE EQUIPPED IN HANDLING CHILDREN WHO QUESTION THEIR SEXUALITY. SO THIS SHRINKING CLOSET PLACES US IN A WEIRD PLACE BECAUSE WITH NO GAY COMMUNITY TO SPEAK OF, HOW CAN WE HELP THESE YOUNGSTERS? THE OBVIOUS QUESTION ISN’T WHETHER LARRY’S DEATH COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. THE REAL QUESTION SHOULD BE HOW COULD WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THESE TWO YOUNG MEN COLLIDED & PRODUCED SUCH TRAGIC RESULTS?

I WISH YOU ENOUGH

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This morning I woke up feeling @ peace and one with nature; I felt like just laying somewhere in field or meadow and just take life in. This feeling sparked my entry for the day because I wished that I could somehow allow everyone to experience this bliss. So my blog title I feel is PERFECT because I am faith-filled AND fear-free in knowing that every experience I have opens my heart to a grater AND grander experience. And I can’t wish enough of this for you. I find that most of us in life are SO attached to people, places AND things that we find it difficult to put our faith in anything else. It is as if most of us do not trust ourselves to risk experiencing anything other than what we already know. I feel this exists because we don’t trust that life will bring us the results AND awards we desire. We do not trust that we can and will handle whatever comes our way; and without trust, there can be no faith…And without faith what is there to hold on to? We don’t realize that attachment is another way of saying I don’t have faith in anything else. We love to live our lives in such way that we wish to control our experiences AND responses. So we end fighting for control when life will only place us in a pit of stagnation. This is EXTREMELY painful! I know this from first hand experience. So it important that we learn the lessons that life is teaching us, it is the ONLY way we can move forward AND grow. SO TODAY I WANT YOU TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO THE POSSIBILITIES OF LIFE AS I WISH YOU ENOUGH…

1. I WISH YOU ENOUGH LOVE TO HAVE A LIFE FULLY SUSTAIN LIFE.
2. I WISH YOU ENOUGH STRENGTH SO YOU CAN LET GO OF ANYTHING THAT IS BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS.
3. I WISH YOU ENOUGH HOPE SO THAT YOUR FAITH CAN GO BEYOND WHAT YOU KNOW.
4. I WISH YOU ENOUGH SUN TO KEEP YOUR ATTITUDE BRIGHT NO MATTER HOW GRAY THE DAY MAY APPEAR.
5. I WISH YOU ENOUGH RAIN TO APPRECIATE THE SUN EVEN MORE.
6. I WISH YOU ENOUGH HAPPINESS TO KEEP YOUR SPIRIT ALIVE AND EVERLASTING.
7. I WISH YOU ENOUGH PAIN SO THAT EVEN THE SMALLEST OF JOYS IN LIFE MAY APPEAR BIGGER.
8. I WISH YOU ENOUGH GAIN TO SATISFY YOUR WANTING.
9. I WISH YOU ENOUGH LOSS TO APPRECIATE ALL THAT YOU POSSESS.
10. I WISH YOU ENOUGH HELLOS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE FINAL GOOD-BYE.
11. I WISH YOU ENOUGH MIRACLES TO HEAL YOUR SOUL.
12. I WISH YOU ENOUGH COMMON SENSE TO KNOW THAT DENYING YOUR GUT INSTINCT CAUSES MORE HARM THAN GOOD.
13. I WISH YOU ENOUGH PASSION SO YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS.
14. I WISH YOU ENOUGH TRUST SO YOU DON’T DOUBT YOUR NEEDS.
15. I WISH YOU ENOUGH DETERMINATION SO YOU CAN ALIGN YOURSELF WITH THE SOURCE OF LIFE.
16. I WISH YOU ENOUGH VISION TO GO AROUND THE ROCK WHEN IT STANDS IN YOUR WAY.
17. I WISH YOU ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO REMOVE UNCONSTRUCTIVE CRITICSIM FROM YOUR LIFE.
18. I WISH YOU ENOUGH CHAOS THAT YOU SEEK OUT PEACE N’ QUIET.
19. I WISH YOU ENOUGH SUCCESS THAT YOU DO NOT LIVE OFF THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS.
20. I WISH YOU ENOUGH INDIVIDUALITY SO THAT YOU CAN BE SEEN AS YOU ARE & NOT WHAT OTHERS THINK YOU OUGHT TO BE.
21. I WISH YOU ENOUGH OPPORTUNITIES THAT WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE YOU AN OPEN MIND.

I WISH YOU ENOUGH…They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them. So with that said, I hope that we remember the moments AND enjoy life. Because life, in all of its fullness, is happening right now. While we are elsewhere, beautiful opportunities AND moments are being passed over and lost to the flow of time. And though we cannot possibly fully experience each leaf that falls to the ground, there NOTHING wrong with trying. Life must be attended to, and if we are wise, we can enjoy it at the same time. It is all about awaken ourselves to the moment we are living right now by taking a deep breath and simply looking around. @ The end of the day it is all about BALANCING ourselves between the present moment AND eternity.

VISION OF LOVE

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VISION OF LOVE is a pop/R&B ballad written by Mariah Carey and Ben Margulies, and produced by Rhett Lawrence for Carey's debut album. It was released as the album's first single in the second quarter of 1990 in the United States and the third quarter of 1990 elsewhere. The song topped the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. This song for me represents everything in my life because it was a song from the heart; and it showcased the essence of Mariah. This will always be one of my favorite songs from her.

GAY LIKE ME...

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Yesterday my cousin phoned me in shock AND awe about our how 16 year old cousin is living her life. Though it wasn’t about me, I soon realized that to some extent that it was. She recounted the story about how my cousin told her about having sex and NOT using condoms and as her story came to an end she told me that my uncle told her that if doesn’t watch her step she will end up a WHORE like her MOTHER or GAY LIKE ME. This brought to me another conversation that a friend and I were having about how heteros will NEVER really accept homos. They may smile with us, say nice things to us but in long run they feel that we more than likely the worst form life on this planet. Now I found this to be interesting because I saw this very same uncle the day before this call and he like so many others in my old neighbourhood asked me for money. Which immediately brought to my mind that I am good enough to take money and whatever else from, but I am TOO GAY to be given respect? A degenerate I am NOT; and I find it EXTREMELY sad that I am apart of the majority but because I am GAY I am considered a minority. Only someone EVIL would use AND abuse us rahter than see who we really are. But you know what is SO crazy about this situation? This very same uncle of mine is VERY much GAY himself. I got irrefutable proof of this but never used it against him OR try to bring him down. I guess breaking through the ADDED layer of religion AND masculinity he has proven that he is really the ANTI-GAY. Doesn’t it? Ignorance AND fear does indeed play a role in most of society’s injustices and his words proves this fact. But considering that we are all fighting the same fight, it baffles me that we can take time away from what is really important and turn on each other. But I guess as Hitler oppressed the Jews because they were different from him, it shouldn’t be that surprising that someone is trying to oppress me. Nonetheless, I am baffled by that HATRED has lived this long. Do you think it is because I am GAY I cannot see HIS logic? Does my reaction to his feeling shows that I have prejudices of my own? But on the flip side of this I think NO because I grew up in the same area as he did and as far back as I can remember I always wondered OR thought about the things that grown ups talked about when it came to homosexuals. These thoughts were NOT fear based OR dipped in lies, I sought the truth. I suppose this shows that we all enter situations with a certain belief system that’s shaped by our life experiences; and there are things that affect our comfort zone. And my being GAY affects his comfort zone. Nonetheless, my goal @ the end of the day is to somehow, someway eliminate prejudice. Though it will probably ALWAYS exist because of differences AND ignorance I will NOT stop. Going forward now I ask myself, WHAT DO I DO WHEN A PERSON OR LIFE EXPERIENCE IS OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE? HOW SHOULD I RESPOND? WILL FEAR FORCE ME TO LASH OUT OR DENY THAT PERSON THE BASIC HUMAN RESPECT? OF COURSE NOT! FOR GREATER THAN HIS LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF WHO I AM IS WHO I AM & HE COULD ONLY WISH & PRAY THAT HE COULD BE GAY LIKE ME…

THE POWER OF THE CLUB

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For many of us, THE CLUB is a ritual, the first introduction to the GAY LIFESTYLE, outside of society. It gives us a chance to be around those that are like us in the ways that cannot be explained. This connection AND energy shared is unlike anything else in this world, it is like an unspoken language that gives us to life. So whether it is HOUSE MUSIC, R & B, REGGAE, HIP HOP, LATIN or OLD SCHOOL there is NO denying the rhythm of the beat AND the POWER of the club. Our body loves AND craves movement. When we dance, the body adjusts, realign and start to become fluid with the rhythm of life. Our mood lifts and we feel more connected with the world around us. Imagine how freeing it feels to trust your body's movements completely; knowing it has a perfect strength AND rhythm as THE POWER OF THE CLUB TAKES YOU IN. Movement is a vital celebration of life, it is a way to proclaim your existence AND relish in the joy of being alive. So when we are in the club, we feel alive and it seems that we can live FOREVER! However, for some reason it seems like there's A CLUB PHASE that MOST of us. I suppose we got the POWER we needed OR maybe we don’t like to be in that environment. Nonetheless, what ever the reason, I feel that can’t ever forget about THE CLUB or its POWER. I think that we just get SO busy that we forget that the body needs this movement. It is just that we got SO caught up in crossing items off our to-do lists; we neglect the club AND see it as something we did in playtime of our lives. Though this is NOT a bad way of thinking I can’t help but wonder if somehow we LOST what we were suppose to get from such POWER. Being someone that is NO longer a club goer, I MUST admit that I cannot deny the power of the club. However, I took that POWER, that ENERGY and harness it to push my way forward into a POSITIVE future. I was NEVER one to take off my shirt OR parade around in some battle; but I am GLAD that there is a place for those that do. So NO matter who we are OR where we’ve gone I am sure that MOST could say that they had fun when took in THE POWER OF THE CLUB. I GUESS IT JUST LIKE MICHAEL SAID IN SERIES FINALE OF QUEER AS FOLK, ‘THE THUMPER THUMPER WILL ALWAYS BE THERE…

¿WHICH IS HOTTER?

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¿A SHOOTER?

OR

¿AN OOZER ?

LIFE WITHOUT ME...

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Yesterday I sent a text message to everyone on my cell phone list asking the question: WOULD LIFE BE EASIER IF WE ONLY HAD OURSELVES TO LOOK OUT FOR? I asked this question because I wondered about me AND the persons in my life and how much of a burden it can be dealing with me. So I wanted them to imagine a LIFE WITHOUT ME…I didn’t ask them directly how they would feel without me in their lives; however I got a glimpse of who has no problem with the concept if it placed in their hands. As the messages rolled in, I quickly realized that my thoughts were wrong AND that I was merely processing the events that took place yesterday that made me realize that being unemployed takes such a toll an individual. As I sit and write this entry I recognize that I got caught up in examining what was going around me instead of really deeply examining myself. My deceiving thoughts had me near tears AND I felt so alone that all I wanted to do was hide. But I am glad that I didn’t because I soon noticed that if I had, I would have simply wash off the surface and NOT deal with what is truly going on within me. I guess living in a VERY appearance-oriented AND externally focused world, forces me @ times to place a lot of value on how my life look in order for me to determine how my life really feels. And I guess that is what today was…I lost track of my core AND felt dissociated, as if I am not fully awake, alive, OR grounded. The SURE sign that it's time to engage in the hard work of going deep within to rediscover the foundation of my life. So I hope that when I feel this way again I will remember this entry and draw strength from it. I know that pain comes AND goes; it is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And even though I may go through things when the odds are stacked HIGH against me, I MUST remember that I have to be challenge in order for me to grow AND that I should embrace my feelings AND let go of my hurt. It is obvious that I am HARD on myself which on some levels mean that I feel that I am NOT good enough…Which so is NOT the case; because I cannot image life without me why should I consider life without me for others?