CHASING CARS

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We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay hereIf

I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay hereIf

I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

...THANKFULNESS...

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I am thankful for:....

the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

....the bills I pay because it means that I'm employed.

....the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

....the shadow that watches me works because it means I am out in the sunshine.

....the house that needs constant care and attention because it means I have a home.

....the huge gas bill because it means I have a car.

…the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

....the complaints about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

....the weariness and aching muscles because it means I have been productive.

....the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.

....the guy on the street that calls me a sissy because that means I shake his soul.

…the mother that I have who don’t know who I am.

…the sister who supported what she didn’t understand.

…the aunt that wanted GOD to save me.

…the uncle for trying extinguish my flame.

…the father that doesn’t know me.

…the men that I didn’t allow to love me.

…the friends that sees me as a stranger.

…the neighbor for not growing up like her son.

…the employer that acted ignorant and showed me hate.

…the pastor for being made in GOD’s image and likeness.

…the time and space I occupy on this planet.

TEN GUIDELINES FROM GOD...

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1. QUIT WORRYING:Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every littlething that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put iton the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turnit over to Me. And although My to-do-listis long, I am after all...GOD. I can take care of anything you put into MY hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to ME; quit trying to take them back. Trust in ME. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. For MY sake, put it on MY list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave ME your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget aboutthem. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don'tforget to talk to ME - OFTEN! I LOVE YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include ME in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with ME. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in ME that I know what I'm doing. Trust ME; you wouldn't want the view from MY eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust ME. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who areless fortunate than you. Share your joy withthose who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any insuch a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences.You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes ME a little longer than you expect to handle something on MY to-do-list? Trust in MY timing, for MY timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, and rush.

9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for MY sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences!

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you notlove yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love ME. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. DON'T EVER FORGET...

D!CKS @ THE ROUND TABLE :)

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I cannot promise you that

I will not change

I cannot promise you that

I will not have many different moods

I cannot promise you that

I will not hurt your feelings sometimes

I cannot promise you that

I will not be erratic

I cannot promise you that

I will always be strong

I cannot promise you that

my faults will not show

But -I do promise you that

I will always be supportive of you

I do promise you that

I will share all my thoughts and feelings with you

I do promise you that

I will give you freedom to be yourself

I do promise you that

I will understand everything that you do

I do promise you that

I will be completely honest with you

I do promise you that

I will laugh and cry with you

I do promise you that

I will help you achieve all your goals

But - most of all

I do promise you that I will love you, always...

HAPPY B-DAY ®‡ø

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Loving Me (HIM)

I bow before the one,

who found me,

He ascended me to flight.

I am lifted in mind, body and spirit,

Extended hands healing in the light of his love.

I have died in love’s arm far beyond my time,

And the sea of faces of love lost stares at me.

They know my pain and they recognize my tears…

I am weak I been beaten…

destiny vanishes before it's time

Then he came to earth to love me!

I live my life in rejoice,

His love is great and pure,

I am reborn a new man! I know meaning of life,

the loss of love was but a dream…

And then when I look inside his eyes

the loss of time was mine...to die.

HAVE U DISCOVERED THE GAY GENIUS?

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Earth is the battle ground for good and evil; roses and weeds, the generation of the righteous and unrighteous. When my Father comes back he shall separate the real from the fake and the entire world will see that I AM THE GAY GENIUS. I am the blue print to LIFE, a RIGHTEOUS LIFE, A GOOD LIFE, and THE REAL WORLD IN GOD'S EYES. At birth I was nothing more you see than just a sapling of a tree; a tree that sprouts up in the spring to show new life to everything. As the twig is bent so grows the tree, it's much the same for me. Later in life when in my teens, if I should act like the King I am meant to be the value of my fruit will be that equal to the great oak tree. The color of my hair is like the leaves the tree will wear. And all too soon, in life I find the summer time I’ve left behind. Thus in the fall the leaves turn just as in life for youth I yearn for in the fall of life I see. The tree must show in colors bright that soon the wind will chill the night. This is the time I am just past my prime to settle down for winter time. In wintertime, the tree is bare with nests, where robins struggled there. When in this life of me I know I am what I should be there is no place for deep regret for, like the tree, I still live yet…And every instance I’ve fallen still filled with hope and still I feel as if life has not turned away hard the visions. I close my eyes only for a minute try to not live in fantasy, my soul cannot bare the harm that come from the illusions. This life throws me in fires that burn here and there but I refuse fade. I am absorbed in my own world, the grey sky and howling wind mirroring my thoughts. I feel all dark and twisty, the emotions inside me like tangled wire hangers or last year's Christmas lights. I have so many secrets wound up inside but I am too tired to care. It would take too much effort to untangle the mess. Its like life came alive inside me, this roiling mass of emotions, these secrets that threaten to crawl right out of my mouth and throw themselves into face of man…a ghost, an empty shell. Full of knowledge, I cannot pretend. I am living for you, my life hangs in the balance like a leaf falling through the air from the time it leaves the branch of the tree to the time it touches the ground I will have thought of you. My hand resting against jagged rock life's nest nettled above velvet clouds shadow of softness, my mind touching earth's diverse reflection whispered words of love your image witness to my soul. I hope you can feel the unalloyed love I possess for you. I gained when I held God's heart in my hands. He knew my time on earth is oppressed limited to the demons I am among. My bones will still beat drums for all to dance the phoenix will still rise from the ashes with hope in my womb…He made me a GODDESS, the legend; where 'shade' is a shadow you walk in to avoid the light. If you waste your time trying to be a false prophet robed in attitude and labels you may fail to recognize my divinity…WATCH ME CAREFULLY AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SEE THIS GOD DREAM, GIVE, LIVE...I EXIST IN THE PLACE THAT REPRESENTS PURITY, I WILL NOT DO BATTLE TO YOUR RHYTHMS & BEATS; U WANT REALNESS...LOOK @ ME!

A POEM 4 U

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I cannot promise you thatI will not change

I cannot promise you that

I will not have many different moods

I cannot promise you that

I will not hurt your feelings sometimes

I cannot promise you that

I will not be erratic

I cannot promise you that

I will always be strong

I cannot promise you tha tmy faults will not show

But -I do promise you that

I will always be supportive of you

I do promise you that

I will share all my thoughts and feelings with you

I do promise you that

I will give you freedom to be yourself

I do promise you that

I will understand everything that you do

I do promise you that

I will be completely honest with you

I do promise you that

I will laugh and cry with you

I do promise you that

I will help you achieve all your goals

But - most of all

I do promise you that I will love you, always

WHERE U NEED 2 B...

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Since human time tables quite often do not correspond with universal time tables, it's common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can befound in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment. Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you havefast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deema postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting yourdestiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can rest assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation. You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, yourprofessional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time-some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourishonly in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.

POWER IN HONESTY

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Promises are easily made. Keeping them often proves more difficult because when we are pressured to strive always for perfection, we find it simpler to agree to undertake impossible tasks than to say no. Likewise, there is an infinite arrayof circumstances that conspire to goad us into telling falsehoods, even when wehold a great reverence for truth. When you endeavor to consistently keep yourword, however, you protect your reputation and promote yourself as someone who can be trusted to be unfailingly truthful. Though your honesty may not always endear you to others-for there will always be those who fear the truth-you can nonetheless be certain that your integrity is never tarnished by the patina of deceit. Since frankness and sincerity form the basis of all life-enriching relationships, your word is one of your most precious and powerful possessions. When we promise more than we can deliver, hide from the consequences of ouractions through falsehoods, or deny our true selves to others, we hurt those who were counting on us by proving that their faith was wrongly given. We are also hurt by the lies we tell and the promises we break. Integrity is the foundation of civilization, allowing people to live, work, and play side by side withoutfear or apprehension. As you cultivate honesty within yourself, you will find that your honor and reliability put people at ease. Others will feel comfortable seeking out your friendship and collaborating with you on projects of great importance, certain that their positive expectations will be met. If you do catch yourself in a lie, ask yourself what you wanted to hide and why you feltyou couldn't be truthful. And if life's surprises prevent you from keeping yourword, simply admit your error apologetically and make amends quickly. Since the path of truth frequently represents the more difficult journey, embarking upon it builds character. You can harness the power of your word when you do your best to live a life of honesty and understand what motivates dishonesty. In keeping your agreements and embodying sincerity, you prove thatyou are worthy of trust and perceive values as something to be incorporated into your daily existence.

DEM 20 Y. O.

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Life Still Has A Meaning

If there is a future there is time for mending

Time to see your troubles coming to an ending.

Life is never hopeless however great your sorrow

If you're looking forward to a new tomorrow.

If there is time for wishing then there is time for hoping

When through doubt and darkness you are blindly groping.

Though the heart be heavy and hurt you may be feeling

If there is time for praying there is time for healing.

So if through your window there is a new day breaking

Thank God for the promise, though mind and soul be aching,

If with harvest over there is grain enough for gleaning

There is a new tomorrow and life still has meaning.

DEDICATED TO 'KIDS' THAT CAN'T FIND MEANING IN LIFE...

SOUL VOYAGES

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The journeys we take are often as exhausting as they are exhilarating. The thrill we feel as we travel to a new environment may be undercut by oursensitivity to change, strange surroundings, and forced shifts in our usual habits. Air, road, and sea travel can be extremely taxing, and many people find sleeping soundly in a strange bed exceedingly difficult. There are, however, numerous ways of taking the stress out of both short voyages and lengthy sojourns. Since much of the comfort we feel in our day-to-day lives stems from the fact that we enjoy the regularity of routine, adapting your typical customs to correspond with your travel schedule can alleviate the unease you experience while away from your home. Likewise, when you ground yourself by honoring the rituals that are a part of your daily life, you'll no longer feel like you're out of your element. If you find yourself disconcerted by the foreignness of your surroundings when traveling, packing a few reassuring items from your home in your luggage can help you stay balanced. Photographs of loved ones, a favorite tea or snack, softslippers, or even your own pillow can soothe the rigors associated with travelby plane, car, train, and ship while en route. Holding a crystal, gemstone, talisman, or medicine bag in your hand during particularly stressful periods of travel can help you stay relaxed and alert. Items imbued with healing or calming energy can help you destress once you reach your destination. As you unpack your travel altar, light a stick of sweet-smelling incense, or bask in the glow of a meditation candle, you'll gradually begin to feel more grounded and serene inyour new location. During the course of your journey, try not to forget to indulge in those activities that center you and sustain your emotional equilibrium. If you tend to sleep and wake at the same time each day, maintaining that schedule will ensure you stay strong and healthy. Taking time out of your voyage agenda to write in a journal, meditate, do yoga, or walk can help you reconnect with yourself in an alien setting. However you restore your tranquility, your conscious choice to surround yourself with comforting possessions and focus onyour well-being will make traveling a joy.

THE NIGHT HAS EYES

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Gay men are the guardians of the masculine impulse. To have anonymous sex in a dark alleyway is to pay homage to the dream of male freedom. The unknown stranger is a wandering pagan god. The altar, as in pre-history is anywhere you kneel. Hence SAME-SEX PRONE MEN are creatures of habit, whether it’s work, play or something in between. We play with fire and LOVE the burn; it makes us feel as if we are on top of the world. We dangle on that bridge and leap off right before it falls staring the DEVIL in the eye. We live hard we play hard! AND WE ENTICE THOSE THAT WANT TO BE US, THOSE THAT WANT TO BE WITH US…THOSE THAT WANT TO KNEEL AT THE ALTAR BUT ARE TOO AFRAID TO ADMIT IT! I AM TALKIN ABOUT THOSE MEN THAT SECRETLY WANT TO HAVE THE HOLIST EXPERIENCE WITH ANOTHER MAN…but are conflicted by the world and their hearts. Let me be the first to say sorry guys, ‘we don’t take any prisoners’ if you dip your toe in the LAKE HOMOSEXUAL you are here for life. All I can do is throw you a life raft and help you find your way to shore. It’s scary but think about it, you can finally feel alive and take your thrown; living your heart’s desires. No more being half of a man, no more living in darkness no more hiding from the light. Little does the world know, but we are the light, we are the ones that live life to the fullest; we dare go against the status quo…we shatter the glass ceiling. I know this is where you want to be; I see the way you look at me be it at the office, a restaurant, church or simply on a date with your girlfriend. I can tell that you feel my energy, I know that you know that SHE cannot hold you, SHE cannot harness the power you seek…SHE cannot make you feel like a MAN. I know SHE makes you feel that this life is caged existence but that’s far from the truth, YOU know that death to a man that is dead inside whose heart doesn't beat with fear and excitement before taking that leap into the unknown soulful union. But sadly you hold firm to your HETERO-FLEXIBILITY; this is a concept where a person has or intends to have a primarily heterosexual lifestyle, with a primary sexual and emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex. But that person remains open to sexual encounters and even relationships with persons of the same sex. This in my opinion is a lighthearted attempt to stick with heterosexual identification while still "getting in on the fun of homosexual pleasures." Life has a certain rhythm that gives it much value. Take care to respect and appreciate that rhythm. Consider how unpleasant it is when you lie to yourself and others around you. I want you to realize how much more fulfilling life would be if you completely and honestly be true to your heart. You know that no matter how hard you try to close your mind and heart to this truth you can’t escape. You are naked on a quest for knowledge, your eyes are open and nothing is there for you but a faded memory of the passing years. Do you know it that life wasn't real? Do you know you were pretending? Do you know that, that life was a dream with a desolate ending? How could it not? With every step you sway and falter; climbing the hill to the hallowed altar making yourself the sacrificial lamb. Sadly you are trying to cleanse the soul of a man whose only salvation is a life he fears. I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL, I KNOW WHAT YOU SEEK, I KNOW WHAT DRIVES YOU, I KNOW WHAT WILL QUENCH YOUR THIRST IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT, I KNOW WHAT YOU DO IN THE DARK…REMEMBER I AM APART OF THAT DARKNESS THAT YOU CREATED, I AM THE ONE YOU SEEK…THE ONE THAT CAN EASE YOUR PAIN…BUT REMEMBER WITH DARKNESS THE NIGHT HAS EYES…AND NO ONE CAN HIDE, NOT EVEN YOU!

ASH 2 ASH (THE BOYS OF THE BOX)

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God Knows Best

Our Father knows what's best for us,

So why should we complain ..

.We always want the sunshine,

But He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter

And the merriment of cheer;

But our hearts would lose their tenderness

If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often

With suffering and with sorrow;

He tests us, not to punish us,

But to help us meet tomorrow.

For growing trees are strengthened

When they withstand the storm;

And the sharp cut of the chisel

Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,

And He never wastes our pain;

For every loss He sends to us

Is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings

That God has so freely sent;

We will find no cause for murmuring

And no time to lament.

For Our Father loves His children,

And to Him all things are plain;

So He never sends us pleasure

When the soul's deep need is pain.

So whenever we are troubled,

And when everything goes wrong,

It is just God working in us

To make our spirits strong.

DEDICATED 2 THOSE THAT CAME 2 LOVE ME...

SOLITARY HOPES...

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Sometimes I wish I were not at all,

And sometimes I wish God would answer whenever I happen to call,

And still other times I have dreams of how it could be,

That there were no world, no people, just me.

Often I hope for a quick, simple ending,

But usually I find chaos and then a new beginning,

And sometimes I wonder if I know wrong from right,

Night from day, day from night.

I aspire to accomplish so many things,

Yet I often fall short, I have not the means,

And still after my goals I pursue,

Wondering, “What else was I put on this world to do?”

Time eats away at my mind, my vision,

Still I stand paralyzed with indecision,

Wondering if change is in my hand,

Wondering still, “what is His plan?”

Fate, Random, do what you will!

Extract from my body your toll, your fill!

Sometimes I long for the days to be,

Both awesome and empowering and yet solitary!

¿CVOTO DEL CELIBATO?

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I never had a problem keeping my D!CK happy giving it just what it needs; I can satisfy myself for a short period of time. But there are times when my hand just won’t do, the funny thing about this is that I know that I am indulging in activities that can’t hold or take me to the next level. You see, I'm the one that sneaks out to see in the middle of the night, hell, sometimes even in the middle of the day. I can’t get enough of it, so sweet and tight. I hate to toot my horn, but the D!CK is all that. I can tell by the way I swim in it. Often drowning, but that's the part that keeps me going back. This sex I am having is so dangerous it breaks pockets; hearts and happy homes. Well let me introduce myself. I'm a MAN on the verge of promiscuity, staring into the abyss. I can FUCK a niggah and then leave as if nothing happened, I can separate heart from sex with such ease that it’s scary for me. I be the man that goes to work thinking who is going to give me a blow job in the bathroom? When I’m hanging out with the friends, it has me. When I’m at school, it has me. Shit, even when I’m when I am asleep, you better believe its right there....ENTICING ME! I am reluctant at first, now I am putty in the hands of an action that controls me. Now I don't know if it was the way I spread his cheeks in public places to penetrate his deepest desire, or the way that he drops to his knees and take my D!CK to the back of the throat. Damn I remember those ‘LUNCH BREAK SPECIALS’. That's the one where I would FUCK in a bathroom at work …OH THAT’S MY FAVORITE! Call me a freak, but the shit turns me on. He is standing on the toilet bowl ASS ready, pants by the ankles; what more could a MAN ask for? I admitted it to myself along time ago that I LOVE SEX! Like the alcoholic loves the drink, baby I love FUCKING A MAN. Can't get enough of it. Like a crack head sucking on a glass dick, I dream about and crave it. Funny how at this point in my life I don't want the emotionalism that goes with a relationship. I mean I am 28 yrs. old, LOVING LIFE and I like me…with an ASS on my D!CK. But deep down in my soul I know I would rather not give away my essence, I would rather save myself for one that is out there seeking me out. I rather be PURE & INNOCENT for him…but there is this side of me that knows that I am going to want SEX! There is no fighting it, no running away from it but if I do wouldn’t I be dishonoring the age old tradition that sexual promiscuity and homosexualism goes hand in hand? In nature, all living creatures learn behavior by instinct, instruction, example, observation, and association. I feel with great assertion that we are not meant to monogamous. I sometimes wonder, I know there isn’t anything we do that isn’t supposed to be. I love the thought of being pure and saving all of me for him and I gave myself till year’s end to FUCK and have FUN! Why shouldn’t I? I am going to embark of the greatest test, the greatest journey of my life…I AM GOING TO TAKE ¿CVOTO DEL CELIBATO?

LET'S PLAY A GAME OF MUSICAL CHAIRS!

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There’s a wise old saying that “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond or react to it.” This universal law of living is stunningly accurate and amazingly true and has vast power to impact the direction and the quality of the rest of your life. Think of it this way. Approximately 90% of the drama in your life is a direct result of how you responded and reacted to 10% of the events, problems and people in your life. So in essence we drive 90% of the stress and worry in our lives and we drive 90% of the anger, depression, sadness, regret, and jealousy within our lives. Stated another way, up to 90% of our lives is sometimes spent mishandling, mismanaging, and mis-communicating the situations, events, problems and the people within our lives. We walk with anger and we sleep with depression. We run with fear and we breathe with hesitancy. We live our lives wearing the vest of emotional baggage with both jealousy and regret as our personal confidants. Cynicism now flows from our mouths and doubt reigns over our presence. Now, the reality here is that many of us have fallen into destructive patterns. We need other options - but sadly, we have few…and after a visit to one of the local GAY CLUBS, this all was circulating in me, in how we become gay men.

Through faults of our own and others, I find it funny the games and tricks we play with each other, I say we because I am a part of this community as well. We have LITTLE BOYS playing with MEN and it would be fine if it was for something that could elevate them to the next level; but it isn’t. I feel that these KIDS play these games and not take life seriously because they have equated all men to the unfortunate negative actions of some. Be it an absent father from the home or even worse a father that lives there and it’s as if he doesn’t. So many of us are hurt and are looking for LOVE even though we won’t admit it. I am of the opinion that when these MEN meet these BOYS, this is when the game of ‘MUSCIAL CHAIRS’ begin.

And in my opinion, this is where the thoughts of a life-long partnership lose meaning with every beat and booty shaking. I feel that Pandora's Box has been unleashed and we have that which plagues us now. Is there any way to fix this? Or are we just too late? Do you even feel that this is a problem in our society? How do I convince these KIDS that they are more than what is in some MAN’S wallet? How can I convince that MAN that the car he bought just to trap the KIDS don’t make him happy? If this is how a gay man is defined I am sorry but our community is FUCKED! 

It took many years for me to understand and to refine what it meant to be a man... It meant sacrificing self for the sake of others. It meant hard work. It meant using every talent within me to make a way - when the way seemed to be closed off. It meant struggling financially and doing whatever was (legally) necessary to make ends meet. It meant long nights spent pacing the floor praying and planning how I was going to pay to keep the lights on the next day. It meant being humbled and at times even submissive to the point where I want to give up. My motivation finds me seeking to destroy the seductive lies that litter your way. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. I say look in the mirror, focus on the frame; on the illusions of the game. I would hope that we don’t forget our instant gratification that cannot hold or sustain us. Why leave yourself living like a pauper begging at the pearly gates for an ounce of humanity to repair your damaged soul?

Tell me what dreams you have for the future? What is does it mean to you now? Do you feel the same way you did when you first had this dream of a future? Did, do or will YOU LOVE YOURSELF? Do you realize that you died? Does it make you cry? Do you care that I care that you are lost? Funny how I say all this to you and still you pretend like I didn’t; I love the way you put me out of your mind when I write like this. I know that you will get what I am saying one day; I can only hope and pray that it’s not too late. I hope that as you dance to the beat and follow the rules of the game you come to realize that you’ve forgotten LOVE. Please don’t envy me; I don’t envy you! I only raise my voice in anger when the culprit sleeps in you. You are quick to judge my own reflection because you don’t see yourself when I stand in front of you. I am sorry that I can’t pardon your transgression with sympathy and I have cast a stone; I have dubbed it love. The bruise resulting still came from my hand in all that I do, I do for YOU! I am obsessed with living on the path of LOVE…I am a wretched man…the man that has come to save you. I want to remind you that your future is far greater than your past. I want you to know that your life is indeed a life worth living. I would for each one of us to by become a proactive and productive catalyst within our lives. I wish that we can become the mechanism for our own healing, self-actualization, and continuous spiritual growth. Once this is achieved, then joy and peace will become your new best friends and contentment will reign over your spirit forever…DAMN IF I STUB MY TOE ON ONE OF THOSE MUSICAL CHAIRS AGAIN! 

THE GAY POSTER CHILD

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I'M A GAY

When I say... "I am a GAY"

I'm not admitting "my life is taboo

I am living GOD’S perfect plan,

Honestly and true.

Knowing who I am.

When I say..."I am a GAY"

I speak this with pride.

Fuck all you closed-minded asses

I have GOD as my guide.

When I say..."I am a GAY"

I know I am strong.

I don’t worry when I'm weak

I know GOD will carry me on.

When I say... "I am a GAY"

I am no where near perfection,

God believes I am worth it

And would never subject me to rejection

When I say... "I am a GAY"

I’m not holier than thou

I’m just a simple man

Who received God's good grace, somehow.

THE MATTHEW SHEPARD STORY

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Matthew was prematurely born on December 1, 1976 in Casper, Wyoming, the oldest son of Judy and Dennis Shepard. Matthew attended Crest Hill GradeSchool, Dean Morgan Junior High in Casper. His sophomore year he attended Natrona County High School. The last two years of high school he spent in Lugano, Switzerland. There he attended The American School in Switzerland(TASIS), graduating in 1995. While in Switzerland, Matthew traveled throughout Europe. He spoke three languages: English, German and Italian. He loved Europe but also loved his hometown of Casper. After coming back to America, Matthew attended Catawba College inSalisbury, N.C, and Casper College. Moving to Denver he worked several jobs. Later he was attending the University of Wyoming in Laramie. There his major was political science/foreign relations and the minors were languages. Matthew was selected as the student representative for the Wyoming Environmental Council, and was very active in politics. Matthew started acting in community theatre at the age of 5, and was veryactive in front of and behind the scenes in several Casper College and Stage III Theater plays. Matthew also enjoyed soccer, swimming, running, snowskiing and dancing. He knew he was not the best athlete in the world but he had a very competitive spirit. Matthew loved the nature, enjoying hunting, fishing and camping. Matthew was a member and an acolyte in St. Mark'sEpiscopal Church in Casper, Wyoming. Matthew was lured from a campus bar shortly after midnight on October 7 bytwo men (Aaron McKinney, 22 and Arthur Henderson, 21) who told him they were gay. He was driven to a remote area near the Sherman Hills neighborhoodeast of Laramie, tied to a split-rail fence, tortured, beaten and pistol-whippedby his attackers, while he begged for his life. He was then left for dead in nearfreezing temperatures. A cyclist who found him on Snowy Mountain ViewRoad at 6:22 pm, some 18 hours after the attack, at first mistook him for ascarecrow. He was unconscious and suffering from hypothermia. His face was caked with blood, except where it had been partially washed clean by tears. Matthew died at 12:53 am on Monday 12th October 1998, at Poudre ValleyHospital in Fort Collins, Colorado, with his family at his bedside. Hospital officials said Matthew had a fracture from behind his head to just in frontof his right ear and a massive brain stem injury which affected his vital signs, including his heart beat, body temperature and other involuntary functions.There were also approximately a dozen small lacerations around his head, faceand neck. He was so badly injured in the attack that doctors were unable to operate. He never regained consciousness after being found, and remained on full life support. Matthew's funeral was held on Friday, October 16, 1998, touched a lot of peopleall over the world. The tragic story of this gentle soul has touched the hearts of people across America, and throughout the World. "Matthew was the type of person, that if this had happened to another person,would have been first on the scene to offer his help, his hope and his heart tothe family. We should try to remember that because Matt's last view minutes of consciousness on earth may have been hell, his family and friends want more than ever to say their farewells to him in a peaceful, dignified and loving manner. Once again, I must express our appreciation for the outpouring of concern about Matt's wellbeing during the last week, as he fought for his life in the hospital. We'll never forget the love that the world has shared with this kind, loving son."- Statement of Matthew's father; after Matthew's death. After his death, Matthew's parents founded the Matthew Shepard Foundation www.MatthewShepard.org The goals of the Matthew Shepard Foundation include supporting diversity programs in education and helping youth organizations establish environments where young people can feel safe and be themselves. The Matthew Shepard Foundation's primary goal is to educate and replace hate with understanding, compassion and acceptance. Matthew's mother, Mrs. Judy Shepard, travels throughout the United States speaking at businesses, colleges, universities and high schools in an effort to educate young people about how to erase hate, and on the acceptance of diversity.

October 16, 1998: A memorial service is held for Matthew Shepard at 1:30 at St. Mark's Episcopal Church, in Casper, Wyoming, where Shepard was baptizedas a teenager. Only relatives and a select group of his friends are allowed to mourn his loss inside St. Mark's, although the events are being piped in to a nearby church. Another crowd waits with cameras and production trucks from Dateline NBC, CNN, Good Morning America, the Associated Press among others waiting topounce on any of the days events. Inside, one of Matthew's cousins reads a poem "Matthew" in tribute:

An angel with new wingsIn a place a world away

Can once again begin to sing

God took him in his arms today.

He blessed his soul with loving care

And took away his pain

His life story all would share

His memory on their hearts a stain.

So young a heart destroyed

For a cause unforgotten

Another's mind deployed

The result of a tragedy rotten.

The tragic hero that's hard to find

A martyr with great courage

God's lamb in rare design

Never to be discouraged.

Our love for him forever strong

His image will never fade

We'll meet him again before long

Temporary good-byes we now must bade.

Matty, I love you with all of my heart

I wish you only knew how much

You'll be happier with this brand new start

The world's hearts you have now touched.

Tuesday, 3 am

Tuesday, 3 am Once again I’m wide awake.

Waiting for this time to mend this heart of mine,

That keeps on breaking.

Newspapers I throw away

Wash the dishes in the sink 3am,

on Tuesday I have to much time to think.

I could call out to heaven

I could crawl down through hell

Nothing will change the way the way they are,

and nothing every will

He thinks I can’t hear him cry

And I pretend I don’t know all about the 3 am’s he spend wrestling with your ghost.

I hear him call out to heaven,

I watch him crawl down through hell

He still can’t get over youI know he never will

Nothing he says can bring you back

He’s got nothing left to show

But a pocket watch and memories

For that kiss out in the snow I hear him call out to heaven,

I watch him crawl down through hell

He still can’t get over you

I know he never will

I hear him call out to heaven,

I watch him crawl down through hell

He still can’t get over you I know he never will.

...The Last Days Of Matthew Shepard : October 12...On this morning in 1998: Matthew Shepard's blood pressure begins to drop around the stroke of midnight. His family is notified immediately and they are at his bedside when he passes away at 12:53 AM. Last rites are delivered by a local Episcopal priest.The news reaches the press at 4:30 AM, and hospital president Rulon Stacey reads a prepared statement from the family. Judy Shepard suggests that everyone "Go home, give your kids a hug and don't let a day go by without telling them you love them... Matthew's last words to us (before we left for Saudi Arabia) were, 'I love you.'" (THIS STORY TOUCHES THE VERY CORE OF MY SOUL AND I HAD TO LET IT BE KNOWN; I KNOW THAT HIS DEATH WASN'T IN VAIN & I KNOW HE KNOWS THAT HE MADE A CHANGE IN THE WORLD)

SEX: MY INVENTORY (HOW MANY?)

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How many men have you been with? Yeah man, sexually! Or do you even know how many? Do you remember their names? What about their HIV status? Knowing your own sexual history is beneficial to living a longer and healthier life.

Take a moment, grab a pen and a sheet of paper and do this activity.

1. Create 3 columns on a sheet of paper.

2. In the 1st column, write down the names (if you still know them) of ALL the men you've ever had sex with. If you don't know their names, still include them by writing men A, men B, etc. NOTE: Sex includes oral sex, anal sex and mutual masturbation.

3. Now go over your list and note those with whom you had unprotected ORAL or ANAL sex with in the 2nd column. (Simply write "unprotected" or "protected" in this column)

4. Lastly, go back over your list and write down whether or not you knew their HIV status in the 3rd column. If you weren't 100% sure of their status (meaning without proof of status, aka seeing the actual test results), write HIV next to their names. REMEMBER: All because someone doesn't say they have HIV or doesn't "LOOK" like they have HIV, doesn't mean they don't have HIV! And wake up, because men lie about their status too.

5. FACT: 32% of all men who have sex with other dudes are HIV+. FACT: 9 out of 10 HIV infected people are unaware they are infected.

6. Now circle those with whom you had unprotected ORAL or ANAL sex with and DID NOT 100% know their status. These are the men who may have exposed you to HIV or some other STD and didn't even know it! Remember, it only takes one time to catch something!

SEX

1. Patrick (unprotected)

2. David (protected)

3. Joe (protected)

4. Lahron (protected)

5. Frank (protected)

6. Valentino (unprotected)

7. Dorrington (protected)

8. Lothario (unprotected)

9. Michael (protected)

10. Teran (protected)

11. Alescio (protected)

12. Dexter (protected)

13. Ancenio (protected)

14. Vernon (protected)

15. Prince (protected)

16. Travis (unprotected)

17. Patrick (protected)

18. Dashwell (protected)

19. Corey (UNprotected)

20. Dexter (protected)

21. Levar (protected)

22. Taneil (protected)

23. Nardo (protected)

24. Calvin (protected)

25. Devon (protected)

26. Andrew (protected)

27. Jamaal (protected)

ORAL SEX

1. Leo

2. Kenton

3. Devince

4. Mario

5. Adrian

6. Ricardo

7. Dominic

8. Paul

9. Stewert

10. Xavier

11. George

12. Shawn

13. Michael

14. Clive

15. Marche

16. Vaughn

17. Cardell

18. Andrew

19. Benji

20. Jamiko

21. Wellington

MUTUAL MASTERBATION

1. Teran

2. Michael

3. Andrew

4. Roosevelt

5. Donald

6. David

7. Kevin

HIV STATUS?

NEGATIVE :)

BOYS: THE SEXUAL TRAUMA

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Most will agree that if the men in our community gathered and spoke more often on this topic the community would benefit greatly through our collaborative thought and action. Individually we can answer a few questions, but together we can solve some real problems. This subject matter is very near and dear to me as it affects friends that I have. Where do the men in the community go to discuss this issue? How do they deal with the challenges that affect them? There is a bias in our culture against viewing the sexual assault of boys and men as prevalent and abusive. Because of this bias, there is a belief that boys and men do not experience abuse and do not suffer from the same negative impact that girls and women do. However, research shows that at least 10% of boys and men are sexually assaulted and that boys and men can suffer profoundly from the experience. Because so few people have information about male sexual assault, men often suffer from a sense of being different, which can make it more difficult for men to seek help. WHO ARE THE PERPETRATORS OF MALE SEXUAL ASSAULT? Those who sexually assault men or boys differ in a number of ways from those who assault only females. Boys are more likely than girls to be sexually abused by strangers or by authority figures in organizations such as schools, the church, or athletics programs. Those who sexually assault males usually choose young men and male adolescents as their victims and are more likely to assault many victims, compared to those who sexually assault females. Perpetrators often assault young males in isolated areas where help is not readily available. For instance, a perpetrator who assaults males may pick up a teenage hitchhiker on a remote road or find some other way to isolate his intended victim. As is true about those who assault and sexually abuse women and girls, most perpetrators of males are men. Despite popular belief that only gay men would sexually assault men or boys, most male perpetrators identify themselves as heterosexuals and often have consensual sexual relationships with women. WHAT ARE SOME SYMPTOMS RELATED TO SEXUAL TRAUMA IN BOYS & MEN? Particularly when the assailant is a woman, the impact of sexual assault upon men may be downplayed by professionals and the public. However, men who have early sexual experiences with adults report problems in various areas at a much higher rate than those who do not. Emotional Disorders Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted are more likely to suffer from PTSD, other anxiety disorders, and depression than those who have never been abused sexually. Substance Abuse Men who have been sexually assaulted have a high incidence of alcohol and drug use. For example, the probability for alcohol problems in adulthood is about 80% for men who have experienced sexual abuse, as compared to 11% for men who have never been sexually abused. Encopresis One study revealed that a percentage of boys who suffer from encopresis (bowel incontinence) had been sexually abused. Risk Taking Behavior Exposure to sexual trauma can lead to risk-taking behavior during adolescence, such as running away and other delinquent behaviors. Having been sexually assaulted also makes boys more likely to engage in behaviors that put them at risk for contracting HIV (such as having sex without using condoms). WHAT IMPACT DOES GENDER SOCIALIZATION HAVE UPON MEN WHO HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED? Because of their experience of sexual assault, some men attempt to prove their masculinity by becoming hyper-masculine. For example, some men deal with their experience of sexual assault by having multiple female sexual partners or engaging in dangerous "macho" behaviors to prove their masculinity. Parents of boys who have been sexually abused may inadvertently encourage this process. Men who acknowledge their assault may have to struggle with feeling ignored and invalidated by others who do not recognize that men can also be victimized. Because of ignorance and myths about sexual abuse, men sometimes fear that the sexual assault by another man will cause them to become gay. This belief is false. Sexual assault does not cause someone to have a particular sexual orientation. Because of these various gender-related issues, men are more likely than women to feel ashamed of the assault, to not talk about it, and to not seek help from professionals. ARE MEN WHO WERE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AS CHILDREN MORE LIKELY TO BECOME CHILD MOLESTERS? Another myth that male victims of sexual assault face is the assumption that they will become abusers themselves. For instance, they may have heard that survivors of sexual abuse tend to repeat the cycle of abuse by abusing children themselves. Some research has shown that men who were sexually abused by men during their childhood have a greater number of sexual thoughts and fantasies about sexual contact with male children and adolescents. However, it is important to know that most male victims of child sexual abuse do not become sex offenders. Furthermore, many male perpetrators do not have a history of child sexual abuse. Rather, sexual offenders more often grew up in families where they suffered from several other forms of abuse, such as physical and emotional. Men who assault others also have difficulty with empathy, and thus put their own needs above the needs of their victims. IS THERE HELP FOR MEN WHO HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED? It is important for men who have been sexually assaulted to understand the connection between sexual assault and hyper-masculine, aggressive, and self-destructive behavior. Through therapy, men often learn to resist myths about what a "real man" is and adopt a more realistic model for safe and rewarding living. It is important for men who have been sexually assaulted and who are confused about their sexual orientation to confront misleading societal ideas about sexual assault and homosexuality. Men who have been assaulted often feel stigmatized, which can be the most damaging aspect of the assault. It is important for men to discuss the assault with a caring and unbiased support person, whether that person is a friend, clergyman, or clinician. However, it is vital that this person be knowledgeable about sexual assault and men. A local rape crisis center may be able to refer men to mental-health practitioners who are well-informed about the needs of male sexual assault victims.

WWW.BULLSHITNIGGAHZ.COM

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The gay movement and the community it created emerged from what was arguably the worst period of REPRESSION & PERSECUTION of the "SEXUALLY DEVIANT" the world has ever known. That persecution, so widespread in its extent, and reaching into almost country and every social class, had an exceptionally destructive effect on those gay people and communities that managed to survive. And in my opinion I feel that we fought back; but in a major negative way. I feel that in order to preserve their identities they have decided to protect a source of pleasure, by not merely sex with another man, but sex with lots of other men. I wonder if I try to take away their 'IDENTIFICATION' that I will be seen as 'HOMOPHOBIC?' I would like to change the way our community thinks and how they behave; because I wonder why then do present-day gay men believe that promiscuity is so central to whom they are? I mean think about it; so many of our ideas about sex, the notion that all gay men are promiscuous is cultural, political, and relative. SO I ASK WHY IS THIS OUR THOUGHT? I can place the blame on the easiest thing available to us the INTERNET! GAY MEN, THE INTERNET AND SEX HAVE BECOME SYNONYMOUS OVER THE YEARS. This place where you can be anyone you so choose, this place where you log on, get off and get out in minutes has heightened the need for sexual gratification in more ways than one. Face it, this place is 99% PORN and 1% OTHER. Internet behavior is the perception of anonymity. It is a cultural norm to be able to put a photograph in the profile out there that does not have a face, it does not have a name associated and I think that there is a level of personal safety that you believe you have, giving the fact that you think people cannot identify you. So you can write your profile as a modified code, hoping other people will read it the same way and then you can have a combination of emails exchanged or messages exchanged that allows you to kind of refine where and what behavior you choose to go to and then, if you want to have that next step, you can display your face. The downside of that is, more often than not, in such small locations that we have, you end up knowing who the people are even before you see the face shot, and once you get more and more comfortable and you find less and less fear based on whatever program you are in, you start to change those images. But I really do think a lot of it is based on comfort level of perceived anonymity. Knowing this, I don't want to blame the internet for us taking advantage of world that tries to keep us down. I however want to acknowledge that this medium allows us to FIND, FUCK, FOOL & FORGET a man in a blink of an eye. In this world today time is short and who wants to deal something that isn't working? The internet allows us to escape situations where we meet face to face, who wants to summon up the effort to talk to somebody and to break the ice and to ask them to come home with you; whereas the internet, everybody is there for the same reason; it is very quick, it is very easy. The other reason I feel these 'BULLSHITNIGGAHZ' are making the problem within our community worst is for the mere fact that they are just a continuum of what is happening offline. Safe sex does not seem to hold much meaning; they intend to FUCK safely but rarely do and will continue to put themselves in mortal danger. I know they mean well, they place safe sex only on that profile on BGC & A4A, then they meet up, more than likely there is no discussion about it because, let's say I responded to an ad that said "safer sex only" or we both wrote "safer sex only." However, for me, "safer sex" is "no unprotected anal intercourse" and, for you, "safer sex" is "no anal intercourse at all." And then that is not being discussed. So then you get together and you think that you are going to have a particular kind of experience, you are already there, you are already aroused, and you have SEX because it would be such a shame to waste the time. I wonder why we live our lives as if we are KIDS IN A CANDY STORE? Yes it is fun and exciting, but how does this affect our community as a whole? Can we truly say we are happy with the way we allow the internet to make us hide from the world? How can we not see that we might be winning the battle but not the war? One has to look at the entire culture. For so long as gay men believe that they are defined by promiscuity and anal sex the internet will continue to serve the very thing that is destroying our community. We have to make serious demands upon ourselves as gay men that have too little to do with pleasure, and too much to do with culture and ideology.

THE "GAY" FAMILY WAY

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I don't know if I ever told you that I have this yearning for a HUSBAND & CHILDREN? Yes some believe that it's crazy and some think it's wonderful, but the strange thing is that I don't believe that I will ever fulfill my dream of a family. Most men here are not serious about themselves let alone me and children. Honestly though I can't say that I blame them, this path is hard and dealing with personal issues on top of that my dream seems just that…A DREAM! Here in this country things are pretty much decided by a group of 'BIBLE CARRYING ASSHOLES' that feel the need to shove GOD's belief down our throats. These beliefs certainly cannot be from GOD because if GOD is LOVE he wouldn't and couldn't want me to live a life in peril when he knew what I was going to become before I came. The sad truth is that very few of us are free from religious control or label constraints, thus leaving very few individuals in my opinion feeling the need to want a family. And unfortunately, it will take a strong MAN to rise above the feelings and notions that his life is irrelevant. Watch how fast homophobia diminishes when we stop subjecting ourselves to religious abuse. Watch how the respect for one another increases with the disassociation to labels. And lastly, watch how fast when we love ourselves we will feel a need to share that with others on permanent bases in finding a MATE and creating CHILDREN with HIM. How am I suppose to find a MAN that wants the life I want if most of us were taught from the beginning that homosexuality was a "sin" and simply an abomination? And although some may argue that they simply ignore it, the simple fact is that we didn't choose to feel how we feel. We were placed in this world, we didn't make it and now we are expected to abide by some rules? How foolish of you not to believe that someone like me would come along and rise above your rules? Talk about brainwashing, I wouldn't allow someone to spit in my face and I still say to myself that you LOVE me. FUCK THAT MY INDEPENDENCE ISN'T LOST AND I DON'T LACK A REAL IMAGE OF MYSELF, I AM NOT CRAZY TO BELIEVE THAT WHAT I FEEL IS INVALID AND THAT THE FAMILY I WANT I WON'T GET. BUT ODDLY ENOUGH I KNOW THAT THEY ENVY US...But what of us is there to envy? Could it be the fact that we possess the power of GOD's wisdom and we have to go inward to come outwards? Could it be that we are a striving group of people that won't settle for scraps? Or simply could it be that you are so filled with hatred that you cannot conceive the notion that if GOD allows it, then it must be for a reason? I know that I would make a great HUSBAND & FATHER, I already have my kids name picked and I know what kind of future I want them to have. I will be the father my father wasn't, I will be the mother my mother is; but I am planning for my family and I don't have to pray to GOD for them because I know that they exist already in my heart so it's just a matter of time for them to place me in 'THE GAY FAMILY WAY.' I HAVE TO STAY THE COURSE NOT MATTER HOW BLEAK THINGS SEEM, I KNOW THAT THE TRUE TEST OF MAN IS WHEN HIS INTEGRITY AND BELIEFS ARE TRIED. I SAY TRY ME, TEST ME I AM YOUR GUINEA PIG...NO MATTER WHAT YOUR OUTCOME IS, YOU CAN'T HOLD BACK THE DAMN INSIDE OF ME!