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Tuesday, 11 November 2008

STAGES OF A GAY RELATIONSHIP

Heterosexual couples do not grapple with issues about roles, finances, ownerships, and social obligations in the same way as gay men do. The heterosexual couple that was concerned about acceptance by their mutual families was exceptional, whereas this was the rule for homosexual couples.... Heterosexual couples lived with some expectation that their relationships were to last UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, whereas gay couples wondered if their relationships could survive. Heterosexual couples have a wide variety of models for their partnerships -- Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, just to name a few. Gay men have only the same heterosexual models, including their own families, which they may try to emulate but find unsuitable…SO HERE ARE 6 STAGES OF A GAY RELATIONSHIP FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE…
BLENDING – STAGE 1 – YEAR 1 – This first stage in a couple's development entails the UNIFICATION of the couple into a single unit. Each is very happy to have the other and to no longer feel isolated and alone. The couple spends most all their time together, experiences high limerence (romantic love), show high sexual activity, and attempt to equalize the relationship. This equalization process serves to help the couple negotiate responsibilities, rules, mutual goals, individual strengths and weaknesses.... It can be a very difficult time for couples, in that the two members of the couple are socialized in very similar ways. Males are supposed to be decision makers, bread winners, and dominant. Two men may have a hard time giving up control, negotiating responsibilities, learning to rely on and support each other, and being able to show each other their strengths as well as weaknesses.
NESTING – STAGE 2 – YEARS 2 & 3 – This second stage is characterized by homemaking, finding compatibility, declining limerence, and ambivalence. Homemaking serves to represent their commitment to each other. Finding compatibility requires accepting and learning to live with each other's differences, personality styles, needs, and goals. Issues of control, power, autonomy etc. can play an especially important role at this point. The loss of limerence (or the "end of the honeymoon") can result in a more realistic view of the relationship and can cause a weakening of the relationship or of the members' commitment to the relationship. This may result in some ambivalence, depression, or jealousy. Internalized homophobia, models about how relationships develop, isolation from role models, ideas about how couples act, what couples should do and not do... all come into play here.
MAINTAINING – STAGE 3 – YEARS 4 & 5 – This stage is characterized by the re-emergence of the individual, establishing traditions and customs, dealing with conflict, and taking risks. The members of the couple may re-assert their individual needs and deal with the conflicts that will result. The couple does not have the traditions provided by dating, engagement, marriage, and religion, and has to develop their own. They may settle into traditions around holidays, may wear rings, may deal with the issue of monogamy ... and increase the stability of the couple. Each member may express interest in new activities or hobbies that do not include the other, make friends outside the couple without the other, and make career changes or development. Each member may take risks by expressing something that they dislike about the other. This involves the risk of hurting the other, losing the relationship, and of admitting that one is not everything to one's spouse. The couple learns also to deal with disagreement, conflict, problems, and "standing differences of opinion."
BUILDING – STAGE 4 – YEARS 6 THROUGH 10 – This stage is characterized by the settling of the last stage and the feeling of DEPENDABILITY. The couple establishes the independence of the individual partners, but also reaches a new balance of dependence/ independence. They are now able to collaborate towards newer goals and desires, such as career building or pooled financial ventures. One partner who did the cooking for several years may turn the job over to the other partner and go back to school. This stage may also be marked by a comfortable complementarity, a decreased need to process every issue and discuss every decision, and the ability to "know what the other is thinking" in a conversation. This may also be detrimental if the communication process breaks down or if members make unwarranted assumptions about the relationship.
RELEASING – STAGE 5 – YEARS 10 THROUGH 20 – In this stage the couple trust each other completely, after realizing who they are and who the other person is. There is no desire to CHANGE the other one. Close friendship and companionship are the main characteristics of this stage, as well as higher relationship quality. Money and resources are no longer shared so much as they are simply owned by both. Each member gives themselves freely to the other. The couple may however, begin to find life with each other as boring. They may begin to take each other for granted, may sleep apart, may find little pleasure in their accomplishments, and the individual members may experience the "mid-life crisis." However, after resolving this stage, the couple may move into the next stage.
RENEWING – STAGE 6 – This could be called THE RETIREMENT stage of the relationship. The couple has achieved adequate financial security and now has time for each other. As they move toward OLD AGE together issues of health may become important. Each individual may be concerned with his own health as well as the health of the other. Old friends may die at this stage as well. Issues of productivity, accomplishment, and meaning in life may become important.

13 comments:

  1. OMG @ THE PICTURES...

    This is by far the best post I have ever read from this blog. I am going to hold onto this one with all of my heart and mind because it literally gives me an ideal road map as to how the BEST gay relationship can progress. I don't want to remain at Stage 1 for the rest of my life. I want to be with someone I can TRUST with ALL of my heart... someone I can actually KNOW that he wouldn't hurt me or betray me.

    thegayte-keeper I must say... you are like a mentor to me. You've got my full attention and I hope we can continue to be blog buddies. Hehehe... ^_^ Damn you just ASTOUND me with your knowledge and depth...

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing with us, the story of you and Noel. And thank you for teaching and enlightening us through your writings. You are truly amazing.

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  3. Shallotte - Thank you for your kind words...

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  4. Xivinrah - you have an effect on me as well...I see your struggles and I know that you will get past them...

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  5. This post made my mouth drop. U are indeed greatness. I SO WANT AND DESIRE! that type of relationship one day. :)

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  6. Cutietj - You will get there...it starts with a desire in the heart and manifest itself from there

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  7. UMMM WAS THAT HARRY POTTER.....lol

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  8. I tell u, after reading this post and reading the comments of the other people, who's lives u are touching.(im glad to be one of them by the way) It is ur perspective that gives me hope that this kind of relationship may truly exist. I just hope that it exists for me. I am so inspired by you; not to settle for an immatation of life that so many get caught up in.

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  9. I love this post! I'm glad that I stumbled upon it. One of the things that hurts us as gay men is the lack of mentors and role models, like you mentioned. It's not just in relationship building but just in life. I've always committed myself to ensure no young brother or sister grows up in the hell that I did. I'm especially delighted to hear about sustaining a gay relationship. Many of us don't have a clue about that. And we usually don't get past Stage 1 and rarely past stage 2. In "gay" years, 3 or 4 years is like 20. My partner and I will have been together for 9 years in May 2009. I can say that your assessment is really spot on. I communicate these very things to others but have never had it written down. I'm gonna "borrow" yours...I wish you well in your own undertakings and relationship and I hope we can grow together.

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  10. Wow. Ummmmm that was truly amazing. I have NEVER made it past stage 1. I think, actually scratch that...I KNOW it's the whole power struggle thing with me. Iono, time will tell.

    Oh and I don't think I like stage 6. That looks (by the picture) and sounds depressing! LoL.

    ~Damnit!

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  11. What I would like to see is the percentage of gay relationships that make it to each stage... that would be interesting.

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  12. I LOVE THIS POST. I THINK INFORMATION LIKE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND USEFUL FOR US AS GAY MEN AND SERVES AS A HOW GUIDE FOR OUR RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN LACKING IN OUR COMMUNITY.
    BABY I CAN'T WAIT TO EXPERIENCE EACH STAGE WITH YOU.I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOICE...

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