TRUE BLOOD: SEASON 5, EPISODE 6 - HOPELESS

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In general, I prefer my True Blood episodes to have an “S” in the rating. But if that’s not possible, then I at least expect a big twist. And we got one in “Hopeless.” I figured Russell wouldn’t suffer the true death, but I didn’t see Roman getting it so soon. If he's really dead, I hope next week starts with him exploding into a bloody mess because a man as grand as he can't go out with such little splatter. Either way, RIP, Nike golf polo. And welcome back, Russell Edgington, who has more fun in the promo for next week than we've seen all season. It's finally go time!

We picked up with Alcide being dragged away from Russell's lair by a wolf. Sookie ran after him but stopped when more wolves appeared and threatened Bill. Bill and Eric went into fight mode, and Russell took the opportunity to try to drink from Sookie, but she zapped him away. Eric wanted to stake Russell then and there, but Bill stopped him: If Russell died, they died. Eric may be willing to make that trade, but Bill wasn’t. Eric retracted his fangs, and in came the Authority squad led by Chancellor Kibwe.

Russell was led away in handcuffs while comparing Lilith to a Leprechaun. Alcide returned, shirtless with some bloody wounds (thank you), and said werewolf JD put up a fight but fled when the other two wolves fell. (I didn’t remember who JD was, but as we’d be informed later, he’s the new packmaster in Shreveport.) Bill and Eric told Kibwe they’d found Sookie and Alcide “humping each other like livestock” (Eric’s words, natch) in the back of a van outside Shreveport. They took the van because they had another human with them who remembered coming to this location before -- Doug. Bill and Eric pretended to glamour Sookie and Alcide. Actually, Eric did it for real after touching Alcide’s face to heal a wound with his blood. (If only that was enough blood to result in Alcide having sex dreams about Eric!) He told Alcide he wouldn’t remember anything of the night, he would always protect Sookie with his life, and he would keep his hands off of her romantically because he finds her disgusting. BASTARD! Do not deny us the possibility of them finishing what they started, Eric.

Bill knew he wasn’t really glamouring, Sookie, but he was selling it -- and saying goodbye. He said she wouldn’t remember meeting him or Eric, and she would live her life the way she was meant to -- in the sun, with others like her, humans. Kibwe promised to glamour Doug and all of the human captives -- who said they could identity the woman who told them they were going to die for the glory of god -- after they were interrogated. Doug was such a fun character and genuinely just wanted to forget any of this ever happened. But others wanted some financial compensation and thought they’d seen Russell Edgington. They were all slaughtered by Kibwe on a bus. RIP, Doug. I hope Alcide avenges you. The big question: Did Kibwe kill them because he’s actually in on this with the female Authority member who freed Russell and didn’t want to risk her being identified, or because Roman told him humans with any knowledge of Russell’s existence had to die because it was more absolute than glamouring?

While Eric and Bill headed back to the Authority (Bill was still “covering his ass,” Eric not so much: “Lilith can f---ing blow me”), a clueless Alcide and a sobbing Sookie hit the road to Bon Temps. Alcide woke up the next morning under a pretty pink comforter in Sookie’s bed, which somehow never looked that small when Eric was in it. His feet hung over the foot of the bed. He sat up comically confused, then went downstairs. He was getting flashbacks to his makeout session with Sookie and asked if they’d done it. She told him other stuff had happened. When she went to grab his hand to show him, he recoiled. She figured Eric had done that, too. So that’s good. Since she gave Alcide the memories back, does that mean he no longer finds her disgusting?

Alcide swore a lot when he realized wolves were on V again and another Jackson situation was imminent. He couldn’t just sit back and watch it happen. He left and Sookie said (to herself) that she was going to sit there and quietly slip into a coma. Next we saw Alcide, he was paying JD a visit at the pack’s barn hangout, which was like a high school makeout party. They smelled him before he stepped inside, wearing the hell out of a leather jacket. Alcide confronted JD about doing V, and from the shocked looks, most in the pack were unaware of it. “I accept the role of master of this pack,” Alcide said. I was instantly torn: Power will look good on Alcide, but presumably, being Shreveport packmaster means he won’t be free to drive to Bon Temps for booze and booty calls. JD told him he was the packmaster now, because no one had challenged him, and Alcide said to consider him the first. JD told Alcide he needed a second for the challenge to be official -- “Put your f---in’ meat where your bark is” -- and hello, we all knew hot girl who had badmouthed JD at the opening of the scene was going to do it. She did. JD promised to bring punishment to Alcide. Alcide told him to just say when. We haven’t heard when it’s going to happen. But I suspect shortly after it does, Alcide and the shewolf will be an item. Sorry, Sook.

Sookie, meanwhile, had gone into work. Shocking! Once she, Arlene, and Holly finished bashing men, Jason arrived. He’d had another dream where he was visited by his father, who’s the strong, silent type. Jason vowed to find the vampire who killed his parents, and his father said, “The only thing you have to fear is—" but then Jason woke up. (At least we got a second to appreciate what looked to be a Miller Lite pillow on Jason’s chair.) He told Sookie what Hadley had said about their parents at the fairy nightclub. Naturally, she thought he was on V again. But then she believed him and wanted him to take her there so she could get Hadley and her son Tucker out.

Jason took her to the field, and Sookie found the portal to the dimension with the fairy Moulin Rouge. Jason was so cute when he tried to follow her and couldn’t. “Hey, that’s my sister, you fairy f---ers! Bring her back here,” he yelled. Sookie reached back and grabbed him. This place needs better choreography. Jason saw his tie on a male fairy and asked him for it back. “You can have anything you want. Let’s go, come on,” the guy said, hitting on him. Love it! “No, that’s okay. You can keep it,” Jason said. They found Hadley, who insisted the fairies were keeping her and Tucker safe. Claude, Claudine’s brother, hugged Sookie. He was the one who’d helped her escape Mab. He’s cuter now in this dimension, thank god. Turns out, the fairies like Claude and his many sisters who don’t believe in harvesting humans (or dressing like Disney characters) had escaped to this world before the last portal closed.

Eventually, Claude had to come clean about Sookie’s and Jason's parents. Claudine had told him that a vampire had ambushed the two of them on a bridge in the rain because he’d been drawn to them by Sookie's blood on a Band-Aid in the backseat of the car. Sookie refused to believe it and tried to zap Claude, but she had no juice. The other fairies zapped her. Which vampire did it? And how guilty is Sookie going to feel now? Guilty enough to try to lose all of her fairy power?

Eric and Bill had arrived at the Authority and received a heroes’ welcome by the chancellors. They were throwing a little office party with blood champagne. Eric and Bill had their iStakes removed, and Eric asked to see Nora. Salome told him about her coming out as Sanguinista, then she said she was off to continue interrogating Russell, who’d been silvered intravenously, to find out who’d freed him. She thanked them again for bringing in Russell. Bill said it was their duty. “Boy Scout,” Eric said. “Delinquent,” Bill answered.

Before Salome could leave, Roman made his grand entrance in leisure wear, calling Bill and Eric “my boys,” and carrying a bottle of 18th century Austrian hemophiliac blood that “cost a f---ng f---load of money.” He took one sip and no one else touched it. Pity. Hope it can be recorked. Roman thanked his boys and said he now knows they are with him -- they believe in the coexistence of humans and vamps. “There are certain humans I’ve felt protective towards in the past,” Eric said. “Yeah,” Roman said, trying to get him to say something with more team spirit. The most Eric could muster was saying he was a pacifist as long as humans didn’t negatively affect him. For a moment, I thought Eric was trying to get himself tossed back in jail so he could see Nora. Maybe he was, but then thought better of it (perhaps feeling Bill’s worried glare behind him). Roman interpreted it as Eric simply being too cool for school to admit he believed in anything but himself.

Salome again tried to make her way to interrogate Russell, and Roman told her not to -- Russell was going to be executed that night, soon enough for Roman to hit the links before sunrise. Rosalyn (Cougar Town’s Barb) and Dieter were visibly delighted. Salome tried to convince Roman that Russell had information they could use. But why would they believe anything someone who is bats--- crazy had to say? Good point. Salome offered to give him another dose of silver and bring him to Roman. Roman asked her to slap an iStake on him. “I don’t want to get dirty.” HA! Eric asked Roman if he could see Nora and admitted she was his sister. Roman agreed, after making certain both Eric and Bill would be there for Russell’s execution.

Eric saw Nora, who was too busy chanting to acknowledge him until Salome walked by with a shouting Russell and told her that his execution was that night. Then Nora started yammering about how it was finally happening. “She” had been right all along. Was "she" Lilith or Salome? Nora made it sound like she hadn’t freed Russell. So it was Salome, right?

In the chancellors’ chamber, Roman had Russell on his knees. “In the name of the father and of the mother…” Roman started. “In the name of my ass!” Russell shouted. He called Roman a hypocrite. He condemns the Sanguinistas for using Lilith to justify their bloodlust for humans, and Roman uses her to justify his bloodlust for power. Russell said he wanted to drink humans for the pure pleasure of it, “it makes my d--- hard.” Roman pat him on the head and said, “Are you done?” Classic. As Russell continued with the colorful insults, Roman got ready to activate the iStake. More shouting ensued, and then he pushed the button. Nothing happened. Russell, clearly having not been silvered, pinned Roman to the table and told him “Peace is for pussies!” and staked him. Eric had just zoomed into the room. Had he figured it out? Would he have tried to stop Russell? Why did no one make a move to help Roman? Salome teared up, but clearly she knew it was coming, right? “Praise Lilith,” Nora said in her cell.

On to Sam and Luna. While they were wheeled into the hospital, Emma showed up all adorable in wolf cub form at her grandmother’s door. Once they were stabilized, Sam snuck into see Luna and managed to be sexy even in a hospital gown. It was the way he told the nurse that she’d never keep him away from Luna, so she might as well bring his IV in there. Emma came in with her grandmother, who insisted she doesn’t want to take Emma from Luna, she just wants to be a part of her life so she doesn’t lose both Emma and Marcus. Luna realized she had no choice. Someone has to watch Emma while she recovers and keep her safe. I’m holding out hope that Grandma is decent (aside from that eating her dead son ritual).

Sam told Andy about the attack being a hate crime and that he wanted to use his keen sense of smell (which extends to fear) to help him find the shooters. Andy was resistant because he can’t condone vigilant justice, but after Sam said he was going after these guys with or without Andy, Andy relented. Next we saw Andy, he was at that anti-vampire shop introduced earlier in the season asking the owner, Junior, questions.

Junior said he wondered why the government doesn’t acknowledge the existence of supes other than vampires. He thinks the people have a right to know. Then, he became visibly uncomfortable when Sam came in looking at a crossbow. Junior bent down to get some wooden bullets to show to Andy, and instead popped up with a gun. Sam fired the crossbow first, hitting him in the chest. “Jesus, tits!” Andy said, thanking Sam for saving his life. Sam had smelled Junior go into survival mode. I suppose Junior would have had to shoot Andy after he shot Sam, so Sam really had saved his life.

Junior had been on the phone giving someone directions when Andy had first entered. Presumably, it was one of the guys in the Obama masks who showed up outside Fangtasia and shot the male vamp Hoyt had given the okay to drain him to death after Jessica rejected him. Backing up, Jessica and Tara's bathroom fight had spilled into the bar. Tara made the mistake of referring to Fangtasia as “my house.” Pam dragged her off by her hair and told her it was HER house. Pam also said Tara made her proud fighting -- "proud the way a human’s proud of a well-trained dog. Nothin’ more.” Oh, Pam, you do have a soft spot for your spawn.

Hoyt misunderstood Jessica not wanting him to die for her still wanting to be with him. I would have thrown my head down on a table, too, if I didn’t have my laptop there. Hoyt told Jessica she could glamour him and do anything she ever wanted to do to a human to him. She told him they would never happen. That's when he got suicidal. Turns out, at least one of those masked men knows Hoyt. Covered in that vamp's blood, Hoyt was pulled into their van. Will he become a vampire slayer now out of revenge?

Like Hoyt, I used to love Terry. Now all I want to do is fast-forward. After Terry and Patrick saw the Ifrit that had just killed Eller, they drove back to Bon Temps. On the way, Terry jumped out of the car while it was still moving and… do we even care? This is such filler. These two just keep rehashing what happened and what kind of danger they’re in. SNOOZE. Terry finally told Arlene the truth while standing in front of a Budweiser sign at Merlotte’s. She thought he’d just gone off his meds, because how could there be a smoke monster after them? (I don’t know, Arlene, how could any of the stuff you witnessed in the first four seasons have happened?) Arlene was willing to work through this with him if he got back on his meds, because she needs an adult to help raise her kids. Terry knew he was just putting her and the kids in danger. He thanked her for having taken a chance on him and left again.

Lafayette went to see his mother, Ruby Jean, who is 100 percent more fun to watch than Terry and Patrick at this point. She looked catatonic when Lafayette entered her room. “Oh, mama,” he said. “What?” she answered, shocking him. She told him about seeing Jesus with his lips sewn shut, and that he was with an evil man who made him drink goat blood -- his grandfather, Don Bartolo. Ruby Jean said she had no clue how she knew all this: the “lestricity” has always just run through her, and she’s always seen stuff she couldn't explain. She told Lafayette to go save Jesus. “Jesus loves you,” she said, giving him a kiss, “even if you an abomination.” And the thing is, this was one of their better visits!

Your turn. What did you think of the episode?

SOURCE EW