¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Wednesday, 04 January 2012

RAISING THE DEAD (GUEST POST)


As part of my efforts in supporting my fellow bloggers, please welcome Bama’s first (hopefully not last) blog entry here on TGK. While I am a self-professed blogger, I thought it would be a good idea to bring on a guest blogger to get a new perspective. So, without further delay, here is Bama’s first blog post. If he touches you, please let him know with your comments.

I've often deemed myself an outcast among a group of outcasts when it comes to my fit within the LGBT community, more specifically, the black LGBT community. As I've grown from the person I was at the age of 19 to the person that I am now at the age of 24, I still can't help but think of myself as different from my peers. Maybe I have some type of separatism complex where I subconsciously want to exclude myself from the pack, but if that is the case, why do I have sporadic bursts of a need to belong? I can only wonder if I've fully accepted myself for who I am.


Oxymoronic it is to think of one's self as possessing a complex simplicity of demeanor and thought, or maybe it's better to label it as insecurity. Whatever the flavor, I feel that the path to true acceptance can be exhausting. I will say that after years of pretending to be fine, when I really was emotionally unstable, made me all the more side-tracked from embracing my identity. I can't help but think that there are a lot of us that are still trying to find our identity. We are born, raised in different ways, and once on our own, we may not feel as well-adjusted as we think we should be. 


It took me a long time to realize that I shouldn't play up or downplay my sexuality in order to find some happy medium that would make me more appealing to those around me, whether straight or gay; it only made me uncomfortable. I continued to rearrange my emotions to fit an untrue meaning in order to mask my true feelings. After a while, I lost myself. So, the only way out, I figured, was to end my life. The thought was simple: ending my life would end any confusion I had as to who I was. I knew I wasn't straight, and I grew tired of fabricating false feelings to deflect what attention I did gain from females. I also knew that I wasn't the poster child for what it meant to be a young gay black male looking for fun because of the thrilling taboo nature of my same sex desires.


Of course, I didn't go through with my suicide attempt, but I was frighteningly close…paring knife to wrist close. In a way, I think I did die that night or at least the person I did not want to continue to be, died. Since then, I've been resurrecting myself, and I think I get it now. For those who have attempted to end their life, but did not succeed, do you truly recover from almost causing your own death? I'm glad I've stuck around, and it has gotten better for me bit by bit; however, I feel like it's been a long process of raising myself from the dead. I'm here, mind, body, and soul, yet I still don't feel present. Maybe I'm in some sort of limbo, or it could be that in an attempt to erase myself from the world, I also wiped away what little identity I did have of myself, therefore starting all over as a blank slate…a gay tabula rasa.

If that's the case, I should feel freer than I've ever felt before, and in most moments, I have, but I haven't taken advantage of it full on, and maybe I should. I may continue to feel like an outcast from time to time (maybe I should've elaborated on that more . . . my bad), but I don't think the need to be accepted will help me in establishing my identity. Let's just keep it basic: I'm an all around average guy that likes guys. That should work just fine, and I'll just feel in the details as I go.  ;-)

My writing  may be fragmented, I'm not sure, but it's been a while since I've written anything in completion, so I'm just happy to get it out there.

Much love to you,


Bama B.

22 comments:

  1. insightful entry. I remember wanting and planning my suicide. I did it, but thank God it failed. I've learned to accept myself as a Black man who happens to be gay.

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  2. MUSIQUE: I AM GLAD BOTH YOU AND BAMA ARE AROUND TO TELL THAT STORY.

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  3. Bros, we are ALL unique and came to this earth plane with a purpose. What you are feeling (uniqueness/belonging) is common and I know it seems conflicting, but it is NOT. You see once you look inside you find the true you and it wants to "love" to express YOU. Go with the flow and BE who you are...........you'll attract what you need and want.........just trust yourself!! Hope this helps.

    Blu

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  4. Thanks for posting, it means a lot! Much love to everyone for reading!

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  5. At 24, it is not possible to "fully accept" yourself for who you are. Who that is, is still in the process of forming and will not reach fruition at least until you reach your 40s.

    If, on the other hand you are talking about ASPECTS of yourself, like homosexuality or reclusiveness, that is different. Those are not your NATURE but aspects of your nature. Your NATURE is much more vast. Don't confuse the two.

    From an older black gay homo to a younger black gay homo, try to LIVE your life away and not THINK your life away.

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  6. BAMA: CAN'T WAIT FOR THE OTHER ONE!

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  7. A very interesting and insightful post. Followed by equally thoughtful comments. Each of us experiences separateness and belonging in different ways, yet, at the end of the day, we somehow manage to acknowledge that we are a family. Dysfunctional, yes; but then, aren't all families that way?

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  8. ROGER: NEVER THOUGHT OF ALL US AS FAMILY, BUT I GUESS WE ARE.

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  9. Great post! and some great comments. I can add nothing except give you a hug.
    Hugs,
    Stan

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  10. STAN: SURE BAMA APPRECIATES THE HUG!

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  11. STAN: Yes, the hug is definitely appreciated, as well as everyone's comments. I missed the days where I used to get good advice from those more experienced in growth and understanding. It always gives me up, and for that, I am grateful.

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  12. "I'm an all around average guy that likes guys"

    It took me over a half century to get to the realization you are at now. Yes.. very simple if we allow it to be that way and not let our sexuality rule our lives.

    My first and only suicide attempt was at age 24. It has been a long, hard road to get to being Mr. Average and liking what I see in the mirror. I admire your maturity and wisdom at such a young age.

    May the rest of your journey be an easier one.

    HUGZ

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  13. JEFF: SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE SUPPORTING BAMA!

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  14. I wanted to, and tried to kill myself. I tried it, but did not have the balls to go through with it. Glad I'm still around. thank you for sharing this Bama.

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  15. RANDOM: GLAD YOU ARE STILL AROUND!

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  16. BAMA: SO WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE DUE SIR?

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOICE...

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