¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Thursday, 07 January 2010

I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT...


I believe that happiness is the art of living, the purpose of our existence. It is THE true index of the quality of one’s life. Without it life is dry and meaningless…So going from day to day watching Noel sink into his frustration about him not being able to provide for himself hurts me. I understand how he feels; he is living in a country that is not his (he is from St. Vincent and the Grenadines) which means that employment here for him is not easy @ all. So that means his bills and other things pretty much falls on me…and where that doesn’t bother me @ all, it sure does bother him. Being an independent person, it takes A LOT to accept that life has you in a place where you have to depend on others. I just see it as the give and take of life…But through all of this I’ve come to realize that as long as Noel isn’t able to contribute he will NOT be happy here.

I could make a million dollars a second and that still wouldn’t matter to him! There have been a few good things that came way recently: wining an essay competition about HIV/AIDS, being asked to apply for a permanent position @ my temporary government job, being told that the boss of another job I’ve been after wants to meet with me when he comes to Nassau (I will blog about these later). Noel says he is happy for me, but since he is not given these chances, I feel like he doesn’t fully appreciate them…I wish that he would realize that these things aren’t just for me, but for US!

I know that we are different and I have taught myself that happiness means that I am FREE from expectations and I want nothing from anyone. I have taught myself how to see the optimistic side of things NO matter how high the cards are stacked against me. I would be lying if I said that I wish Noel wasn’t a little more like me. It hurts to know that I can’t make him see that THE largest influence in our relationship is the unspoken dynamics that occur beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. He is SO distracted and since he got back from his internship,I felt like I’ve been waiting for the light to come back in his eyes.

There are times when I wonder if he regrets his decision to be with me because things are not to his liking…I LOVE that he is driven just like me, but him burying himself with what he does not have, he is unable to take stock of what is going on around him. Every so often I ask him to tell me that he knows that we will get to Canada by year’s end and he can’t even say it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am from another planet or something because I am calm as I move from day to day and I can see us in Canada this time next year playing in the snow…

So I will stand in the gap and carry the happiness for both of us. I understand that we are @ different levels of consciousness and though we chose to walk down life’s road together, I have NO problems carrying him on my back until he is strong enough to walk on his own. After all we have chosen certain lessons and made agreements to be who we are in the unfolding of this world’s understanding before we incarnated in this lifetime. So my job is LOVE him with EVERYTHING that I am and allow him to be…Though we live in a world of duality, which helps us to experience the material plane, he knows that we don’t need to experience extremes to understand them…I JUST CAN’T SHAKE THE FACT THAT I KNOW THAT NOEL IS HAPPY FOR ME, BUT…

10 comments:

  1. The one thing that makes all men ,well the majority of men feel worthy is the ability to take care of themselves.Most of the real MEN feel that if they don't have their own that someway we are not "living" a truly productive life. The only thing that you can do is let Noel know that you are there for him.I am praying that he will get that blessing soon.Stay Positive.

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  2. every man has to walk to the road to understanding and acceptance before they will find that place of contentment. We all walk it at our own pace and each road is different.

    He will find his way.

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  3. I totally understand what Noel is feeling. I would be at my wits in if i wasnt able to provide for myself. Eventhough he has you and he knows that you can and will do for the both of you. Nothing makes a person feel more validated within themselves when they know that are able to pay their own way. I do hope that he can hold and stand with u still while things are what they are. They will change and as long as he still has the desire to be his own man...Trust and believe he will. Everyone has a time in their life when they need to lean on someone else. He has You, someone who is willing to do any and everything he can for the good of u both. Im sure he knows that and isnt about to let that go.

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  4. Aaah buddy I understand Noel cause I'm in a similar situation. Just be patient and keep on showing him you trust his potential, don't push him but don't let him get stuck in frustration.

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  5. U are not telling us why Canada is nb. Are u relocating there or going on vacation? Cause if u were relocating then that change things for the both of u. But if u are going on vacation, will going there bring something different to the current situation?

    Practically, i don't know how else Noel can tackle this situation. But his frustration cannot be good in the long term...
    Either the two of u try to move to another country & start on a more or less equal footing on Noel sticks it out in The Bahamas & struggles to find his way through but doing so in the knowledge that things are not going to be easy but at least he has not only a boyfriend but a loving, supportive & understanding partner who is committed to what the two of u share. And that this partner has already shown that he is in it for the long haul.

    I really don't see how else things should proceed. But maybe Noel just needs time to see things in another light.

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  6. Yes Noel is happy for you, and he appreciates all that you do for him and your relationship, but he isn't happy that he can contribute financially.

    Most people especially men are independant, we thrive on the idea of taking care of self, although we sometimes have to lean on others for a helping hand, but it should not feel like or be considered a handout, but a helping hand.

    Noel wants to work, contribute and make a difference, but with out employment and being in another country makes him feel incomplete. Give him time, you'll see a change for the better.

    Canada? Okay! it appears that you two have discussed relocating, go for it!

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  7. MACKSON – I AM PRAYING RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU…

    THE WALKING MAN – I KNOW HE WILL FIND HIS WAY; HE JUST HAS TO BELIEVE THAT HE WILL…

    TRU3LOGIC – I KNOW HE ISN’T GOING TO LET US GO…IT JUST HURTS TO SEE HIM WORRY SO MUCH!

    EDUARDO – I KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SAME SITUATION AS NOEL…I WON’T PUSH OR LET WORRY TAKE HIM DOWN!

    MISS SHALLOTTE – WE ARE RELOCATING TO CANADA…KNOWING THAT THE FRUSTRATION WON’T BE LONG TERM DOES VERY LITTLE TO CALM THE HUMAN MIND…YOU ARE RIGHT, ALL HE NEEDS IS TIME…

    CHET – I KNOW HOW HE FEELS…I WILL GIVE HIM ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD…WE’VE DISCUSSED GOING TO CANADA FOR MORE THAN A YEAR NOW, BUT THE ECONOMY KILLED OUR FINANCES…

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  8. I was in the same situation as Noel as well buddy. This year, things started to turn around for me, and I was thankful, but I truly get and understand his feelings... you just continue to support him like always, and true love will always reign over all issues or problems. :)

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  9. Do u have a job lined up or are both of u going to struggle together in a foreign country?

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  10. DEONTE'K - YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT TRUE LOVE WINNING IN THE END...

    MISS SHALLOTTE - NO JOB LINED UP YET...WE ARE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BEFORE WE MAKE THE TRIP...

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