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Thursday, 04 October 2012

JUST EMAIL ME: BITTER TRUTH ABOUT DATING


I CAME ACROSS THIS EMAIL & WONDERED WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO THIS PERSON: I am recently out of a 16 year relationship. I met my my ex-spouse when I was 25 and at 41 suddenly found myself, (pardon the pun) thrust into singledom. I was not only shocked, but frankly disgusted at the attitude of the gay men in the community when it comes to relationships. What happened to the guys while I was living my life in the suburbs? 
I have never heard as much BS shoveled as guys that supposedly want to date. Some of my favorites to date:
• "Date?  Oh no, we cannot go on a date, we can be friends and see where it goes".


• Him:  "I want to get to know you better..."   Me:  "Like a date?" (refer to comment above)

• Said by a 50+ year old to me...  "I don't see myself settling down until I am in my 60's"  (good luck finding a nurse maid. I will change a partners diaper if we built a life together, but not yours because you decided you don't want to die alone)

• Him:  "I see myself having a boyfriend and I spend 2-3 nights a week at his house and him 2-3 at mine".  (Seems an awful lot like dating to me).

• Well, I see my partner having a drawer at my house and me at his, that way a split is easier.  (Nice, start a life together with the exit strategy already in place).

I have talked to friends about this and the only thing I can seem to come up with is that suddenly the word "date" doesn't mean to "get to know someone", it is like you are engaged and picking out china patterns. Am I reading this wrong?   
It also appears to me that gay men want some sort of guarantees that life is going to be rainbows, unicorns, and flying monkeys shooting out of your ass 24 hours a day, seven days a week, as there can be no drama.  Do you have to be Rebbecca of Sunnybrook Farm all day every day, and never have ups and downs?  
I can tell you after 16 years that life is messy. We had divorces of family members, deaths of grandmothers and parents, changes in employment status, etc.  So, to add the remark, "Oh, and no drama", I am guessing that I am the only person on the planet not to have grown up at Disney's Fantasyland. I am utterly confused.
I get the feeling that gay men seem to be of the opinion that if you are friends with someone first, it is automatically going to work out. The problem, I have never slept with a friend, nor do I plan to as that is the surest way to lose a friend. I have always found that after I get to know someone so well, I know way more about that person than a boyfriend should know, and I don't ever want to sleep with them (That orgy on top of the post office in West Hollywood, where you got fisted with no lube...yikes!).
How is a single man supposed to find love in a community that wants marriage and yet has no respect for it at the same time? I am tired of people wanting to find out what is behind the next zipper, and not actually wanting to get to know the person to which that appendage your after is attached. Have I become too unrealistic or jaded? I am beginning to feel that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Sincerely,
Jaded in Love, or Too Idealistic

10 comments:

  1. This is really true. I used to pull that 'I want to be friends line' but then realizd that it's dating in itself. Dating doesn't mean being steady after all as many gay men think. I needed to get that through my thick skull and I'lm glad someone talked about it :)

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  2. It comes down to the mind set. Lets be friend puts you in casual mode and dating causes you to be in the serious mode. Dating is a step above friendship, which you know. While dating, you are more emotionally committed and invested in that person. Some are not ready for dating in their mind.

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    Replies
    1. Good advice, I often tell friends that if the mind isn't there from the start things won't go right. TOO many of just get into situations and HOPE for the best.

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  3. I always thought of dating as casual, friendship is a step above. I think the first thing that spooked me with my bf was when I realized became friends. I think if you don't want to know your bf too well, maybe that is an issue with you, not the guys who want to be friends with their lovers.

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  4. Replies
    1. I know you would relate to this entry in someway.

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    2. Indeed. Those were my feelings when I was trying to "date" back in my early 20's. Felt it was a bust to even try

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    3. We we all have to go through this.

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