¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Monday, 11 June 2012


As much as things changed during last night's season premiere, much returned to the status quo. For example, Eric certainly changed his tune quickly, no? Straight from "F--- Sookie" to f---ing his sister. Yes, Truebies, Eric Northman is back to his old tricks, so to speak. And in the throes of a bromance with Bill. Who saw that coming? Then again, vampires are nothing if not opportunists. Which brings us to where things began...

We picked back up right where we left off: Blood everywhere. Specifically, seeping from a shotgun dent in Tara's head and all over King Bill's office walls. He and Eric made quick work of the clean-up, which was all for naught since The Authority had already arrived to capture them for murdering Nan Flanagan. More on that later... A shop, skip, and a jump away, Lafayette ran down to Sookie's kitchen to find Sookie cradling Tara. Pam, thinking Sookie could mend her relationship with Eric, stumbled on this scene. She was ready to dip out, but Lafayette devised the brilliant (read: desperate) idea for Pam to turn ol' hole in the head Tara into a vamp. Naturally Pam was less than into the idea, but Sookie promised to use her "magic hands and super snatch" not only to bring Eric back to Team Pam but also for an indeterminate future favor. That is going to come back to haunt Sookie, for sure. Opportunists, see.

Sookie and Lafayette buried Pam with Tara, but of course Pam didn't go into the ground quietly. When Sookie accused her of not trying hard enough, she snapped, "I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is." Oh yes, my friends. Said sweatsuit was lemon yellow and adorned with a picture of a kitten batting at butterflies in a flower bed. It was glorious. After the last patch of dirt was spread over the vamp cocoon, only the waiting remained.

Back to Eric and Bill, who were trapped in the trunk of an Authority Wagon. Whether the silver netting or the speakers blasting "Silly Love Songs" was greater torture, it's hard to tell. Either way, they had to escape, so they grabbed an umbrella and jiggered a way to blow up the car. Of course the Authoritarians caught up with them almost immediately, but the male Authority figure was ambushed by his associate and delivered some swift True Death. The rogue agent, it turned out, was Eric's "sister" Nora. He greeted her with the special handshake of Godric's progeny -- a kiss that looked like he was eating her face and the kind of sex you'd have if the world were ending. (Bill: "Might want to keep the noise down in there. New Orleans is only 60 miles away.") Family bonding time is important, y'all!

Meanwhile, over at Jason's place, Newlin had come a-callin'. Jason compared Newlin's fangs to "twin hard-ons... nothing but trouble" and refused to let him in, so the manipulative son of a gun concocted a sob story so Jason would establish eye contact. Then he glamoured Jason -- who spent the bulk of the episode naked, obscured by doors and blankets and whatnot -- to let him in the house. In an emerging theme, the strapping Stackhouse found himself tied to a chair (an echo of Eddie Gauthier?) as Newlin professed his undead love. Yes, the Rev. Steve Newlin is a "gay vampire American." Despite the fact that Jason banged the Born Again out of Mrs. Newlin, the Rev. couldn't quite come to terms with the reality that Jason prefers lady parts. His rage at Jason's rejection was pretty ridiculous. (Yeah, this was totally payback for Eddie.) That said, hint to Newlin: If you have to tie someone down and tape his mouth so he can't respond to your love confession, you're probably not going to hear the answer you want.

Also completely ridiculous? Newlin's conveniently shifting morals -- he claimed his murderous sociopathy was symptomatic of his homosexuality, yet also deemed his sudden immortality a blessing. It was a pitch-perfect indictment of the rationalizations of certain sects of not just Christianity but all religions. I'm a Christian and a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason," but that kind of philosophy can go in lots of different directions, and Newlin's is the most repulsive bastardization. It's an interesting turnabout since the show began with a very pointed vampires-as-gays metaphor. Now that Newlin is both of those, he's the worst example imaginable. Tricky, show. Tricky.

On the upside, it gave Jessica an opportunity to return and pull rank. She swooped into the house and declared Jason hers, unlocking Jason's glamour so he could disinvite Newlin. Then they had some "Why the hell not?" sex. This confused Jason, which ended in Jason turning up in an unfortunate attempt to rekindle their lust. (He was particularly hurt after Hoyt mocked and rebuffed him at Merlotte's earlier that day). Jessica wasn't interested. She had a sassy blue streak in her hair and house full of vamp-friendly co-eds. Ever oblivious, Jason invited himself in for a round of Rock Band, and they "ch-ch-ch-ch"-ed to the rather appropriate "Cherry Bomb" (related: has everyone in the writing room abandoned Jessica's hymen regeneration dilemma?). A few hours later, Jess and Jason had both used the video game foreplay to score hook-ups for the night, but their heartsick glances at one another (and their inabilities to pull the trigger with the co-eds) made it obvious they really wanted only each other.

Elsewhere, Sam lied to the Wolf Pack that he had killed Marcus. He called it loyalty -- he wanted to save Alcide's life (and also Luna and little Emma's). I call it stupidity. Despite hours of werewolf brutality, Sam refused to submit. In came the deliciously terrifying Martha (Winter's Bone's Dale Dickey), who told Sam they needed Marcus's body to honor their werewolf grieving rituals. Much like werepanther mating, these rituals are something about which I am happy to remain ignorant. To be continued...

While Sam was being tortured on his behalf, Alcide went to Sookie's house. Upstairs, Lafayette considered killing himself with a pink plastic razor after going to Jesus's house and discovering that his dead brujo lover's body had gone missing. Downstairs, Alcide's wolf-y sense of smell inspired him to note how clean the house was: "Like lemons on top of ammonia on top of bleach." His construction know-how also prompted him to wonder why Sookie had removed some of her cabinet fronts (those which we know were splattered with skanky werewolf blood). Unfortunately, his common sense as a person didn't tip him off to the fact that Sookie was acting like a shifty crazypants and that Debbie's tooth was right there on the floor. Alcide is many things. A MENSA member is not one of them.

They sat down, and Alcide alerted Sookie that Russell had escaped his concrete crypt. He offered to hide her out, but Sookie knew Alcide wouldn't want to protect her if he knew everything. Of course she didn't tell him that she'd blasted Debbie into oblivion. Practically, the delay was because Lafayette burst into the room to keep Sookie from incriminating herself. Narratively, it was because that information needs to come out when it can hit Alcide for maximum hurt and betrayal.

After he left Sookie's, Luna told Alcide about Sam's self-sacrifice. They showed up in the nick of time -- not only to declare that he was Marcus's murderer but also to witness Martha and the others eating Marcus's innards. (So much for my plan to remain ignorant.) Has this episode been particularly disturbing -- what with the sister f---ing, the werewolf intestines buffet, and the poly blend sweatsuit -- or am I just hyper-aware after nine months away from Bon Temps? At any rate, Sam lived to shift another day, and Alcide became the de facto pack master because he was the one who killed Marcus. Obviously, it was a job he did not want. He growled and galumphed away as the wolves continued to cannibalize their fallen pack mate.

In Bellefleur also-rans, Andy and Holly moved beyond hugging -- specifically, on her son's sofa bed. He also continued being crooked as a dog's hind leg, Sheriff-wise. As for Terry, the arrival of his old war buddy Patrick (Scott Foley) made Terry's PTSD compartmentalizing a lot more difficult. It also brought up the troubling notion that the Bellefleur-Fowler house fire wasn't an isolated incident. In fact, Patrick lost his house in a fire, and two of their friends lost their lives. After Patrick insisted they were linked by "what happened that night in Iraq," Terry grabbed his pal by the neck. Arlene walked in on this scene and suddenly ghost René was starting to make a lot of sense. Long story short, Patrick pushed back, then pushed off... for now.

Back to Bill and Eric. They hadn't been given the True Death yet, but Nora warned that they would be if they ever returned to Bon Temps. It was a compromise they claimed they could honor, but I had my doubts. After hiding out for a day, Nora's extraction team arrived with new papers. Bill was dubbed Marcellus Clark. Fair enough. On the other hand, the definitively Aryan Eric was naturally renamed... Ike Applebaum? It didn't matter, though, because they whole lot of them were immediately surrounded by  The Authority.

The episode closed where it began -- Stackhouse Shack. Night had fallen, and Lafayette and Sookie were waiting by the vamp mound. She wondered idly, "When was the last time we ate something?" While he went inside to rustle up some grub, Pam emerged from the ground: "There is dirt... in my bra." She guzzled Tru Blood, and Sookie frantically began digging up the soil. Underneath, she found a completely still, seemingly unturned Tara. Lafayette came back to find Sookie crying and joined in. Then WHOOSH! Tara burst from the ground and lunged at Sookie. The end. And the beginning!

Your turn. Will Tara's new bloodlust finally pull her out of her victim complex? Was naked Andy's physique a lot better than you expected (or was that just me)? What are the werewolves going to do with a belly full of pack master innards? Why does Arlene have such terrible taste in men? And could Rev. Steve Newlin be any creepier? (Why yes. Yes he could.) Moving forward, are you ready for some Russell and Meloni already?



  1. Russell is HAWT - love that guy!

    Thanks for the run down - awesome and best review. I don't have a TV so keep reviewing -Cheers!

    Was Andy naked? This I gotta see haha!

    1. No, really, was not a pretty sight.

    2. Please, with Alcide and Erik on the show, all others fade into the background. Sookie who?

    3. I think Alcide would do you good sir!

    4. We won't spank you here, you get one time to be bad, just ONE :-)

  2. I often wonder if this is too much to post, but now I know the answer.

  3. Nah this is appropriate. Andy does have a nice ass, I was shocked. Yeah that incest, wow! Alcide and Lafayette staring each other down, I was thinking to myself gud Lawd the only thing between them is space and clothes! Newlin and Jessica's bitch-fight over Jason will by funny to watch!

    1. This season looks like it is gonna be AWESOME!




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