¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Monday, 01 August 2011


Eric passed out after feeding on Claudine. I wondered if she'd tampered with her blood incase he drank from her, but no. Eric was just high as a kite. "Heeeeeey," he said to Sookie in a dazed stoner voice when he stood up. Then, things turned serious, for a second. "More. I want more," he said. "You can’t have anymore. There isn’t any more. You drank the whole fairy and you’re going to your room," Sookie answered, like she was putting a child in a timeout. Eric tried to bite her, but he stopped when Sookie told him that he'd kill her. "I would never harm you," he said. I believed him. His fangs popped back in. I wish I was counting how many times he'll do that for comedy's sake this season. It'll never get old.
Eric didn't want to go to his room. He wanted to play a game of tag, which he started by pinching Sookie's "beautiful butt" twice. "You're drunk," Sookie ascertained. "Catch me," Eric said. He darted around her yard and went AWOL once she told him it would be dawn soon. He didn't care. The only thing that would have made that scene better is if he'd been shirtless, I wrote in my notes. Which is why the next time we saw Eric felt like a dream I didn't remember having... Sookie needed help finding him before the fairy blood wore off in the daylight. That, friends, is a solid excuse to call Alcide. When he started to take off his shirt, I felt like shouting what my sister did at a Bon Jovi concert this year when Jon changed shirts onstage for "Livin' on a Prayer": "Thank you, Jesus!" I'd love to have been on the set for discussions of how far down Joe Manganiello should pull his jeans before the camera switched angles. That was lower than I anticipated. Not sure which deity to thank for that. How many times did you rewind? I only did once. Stupidly, I thought the blanket Sookie was carrying was for Alcide when he changed back to human form after finding Eric. But duh, it was for Eric, incase he started to burn from the inside out.

Eventually, wolf Alcide brought Sookie to a lake, and up popped Eric, naked to his waist. Here's what I loved about this: At first, you're just thinking it's a funny scene that also gets Alexander Skarsgard wet and nude. (There ain't nothin' wrong with that.) But this wasn't just about Eric pretending he was a god of the sea who was prepared to destroy sea monsters (read: gators) before they bit off his man parts. It wasn't about Alcide turning back into human form so he and Eric could be ogled while they traded barbs like "stinking dog" and "dumbs--- fanger," or Sookie getting to act like their mother ("Alcide, stop making that noise. Eric, put up those fangs and do what I say"). It wasn't about the fairy blood wearing off so Eric could innocently utter "Sookie, I hurt" while smoke started rising from his sculpted shoulders and probably more than half the show's viewers made a joke about how it was because he's so effin' hot. It was about Eric having fun in the sun and not wanting to return to the darkness.

Now that Eric has felt what he's missing, you have to wonder if he'll be able to control himself around Sookie. For the record, I say that tease in the promo for next week is a dream. For now, he remains in control. Sure, he sniffed her when she took him down to his cubby and checked to see if the burns on his back had healed. But I don't think he asked her to stay with him so he could drink from her. I think he would have been satisfied with the company. He was sad. Alcide overheard their conversation from above, and Sookie made him go outside so they could argue out of earshot of the man child. But Eric could still hear them as they agreed to be friends who disagree about the people with whom they're sharing their homes. I wondered if Joe Manganiello's hugs are as good as they look.
Eric was too quiet that night, so Sookie went down into his cubby to see him. He was in the fetal position on his bed like a depressed teenager, shirtless. Sookie tried to tell him that the Eric with his memory was a happy vampire. This Eric is depressed because for a second time, he has to face the fact that he'll never swim in the sun again, he'll never feel the heat on his skin or see the daylight shine in Sookie's hair. (This Eric is a poet!) Sookie tried to tell him that he still has the stars, but even though he talks like a child, he isn't one: He knows what he's lost. This Eric also knows how to woo a girl. "If you kiss me, I promise to be happy," he said. They both cracked a smile and though Sookie said no, she was thinking about it. "Why? It's only a kiss," Eric said and leaned in. I bet Sookie would have kissed him had Eric not pulled away because he heard someone at her door." I rewound that scene twice. Damn you, Bill.
Sookie was good on the porch, wasn't she? She told Bill she thought he'd come through for her when Eric showed up at her house to say he was leaving and she could stay. Bill wanted to search her house because Eric wasn't at his farm in Öland, his apartment in Paris, or his plantation in Barbados. Her house was the only property Eric owned that his guards hadn't been in. She wouldn't let Bill enter. It was still her house, she said, and Bill didn't care. Then she played the only card she had: had she ever lied to him before? The tears in her eyes and trembling chin made it convincing. Bill took one step in, then felt guilty, and turned around. Sookie had been the honest one in that relationship. Will her harboring Eric turn Bill against her when he finds out the truth?
Bill began the episode with a run-in with Pam. She told him she had no idea where Eric was, and they both knew she wouldn't tell him if she did because she's loyal and thinks Bill sent Eric into that coven as a set-up. Bill didn't have much luck with the ladies this episode. Nan definitely didn't want Eric to harass the Wiccans. Bill has a gut feeling necromancer Marnie is trouble, and he's probably right since that powerful witch is still using her as a conduit. (She's not worthy!) When Bill brought up the Spanish Inquisition as the reason the AVL should take necromancers seriously, Nan shrugged him off: Not only was that 400 years ago, that was a single powerful witch with a reason to go after vampires, she said. We saw Marnie have a dream/vision while sleeping of the witch who's using her body being burned at the stake -- and could that man being told the proper way to burn a witch (she can't die until her face is in flames) have looked anymore Spanish? "You belong to me. It is you who will burn for your sins," the witch had said. That explains why we see flames in Marnie's eyes when the witch within has done some magic. Why would that witch be going after vampires?

After Nan chastised Bill some more ("Remember Salem? We all thought it was such a threat when it was just a bunch of  neurotic Puritanettes who needed a good lay") and told him no humans were to die as he dealt with this coven, we found out Bill isn't the power-hungry king Pam thinks he is. "How’d the execution go?" Nan asked. "Oh, very smooth. Completely justified," Bill said. "Oh, poor Bill. Power’s so hard," Nan deadpanned. "Don’t f--- this up. How many retired kings do you know?" If that threat wasn't enough to get Bill's mind back on business, his budding friends-with-benefits relationship with Portia came to an abrupt and, as it looks now, anticlimactic end. Portia invited him over to meet her grandmother Caroline (played byWho's the Boss?'s Mona!). "Andrew" Bellefleur also joined them, but he left before grandma asked Portia to get the family bible so she and Bill could realize that Portia is Bill's great-great-great-great granddaughter. Do you think Caroline just wanted Bill to hide that from Portia, or do you think there's something else she needs him NOT to do with that info? Portia found out anyway. Bill didn't even try to hide it when she reminded him that she's a lawyer and a terrier. How wrong is it that I'm thinking he can't reproduce, so is this really a problem? Very wrong, if grandma doesn't want Andy drinking Red Bull because it's vulgar. But why do we need to know this information? Will Bill have to give a crap about Andy? What's Portia going to do now besides take a cold shower?
Speaking of doomed relationships, let's talk Jason and Crystal. At the start of the episode, Jason was still tied up and being used for his seed. A woman reluctantly climbed off of him before she'd "finished" because he yelled at her to. He asked why she was crying when he was the one being raped. It was because her brother-husband only bites the back of her neck and holds her down until he's done. "You're the best I ever had," she said. She covered Jason's privates with a piece of cloth and left the room with the back of her dress tucked into her underwear. "Next," she said. All class in Hot Shot. Young Becky walked in, and though she threatened to cut off Jason's "thing" if he put up a fight, he eventually got her to admit she didn't want this to be her first time. Who'd of thought we'd hear Jason Stackhouse talk about how special a woman's first time should be? Jason told her he was scared he was going to die there, and she said she was, too. Was she scared for him or for herself? When she said she didn't want to do it at all, does that mean have sex at her age, or be a member of this clan? Either way, she cut one of his hands loose and he freed himself. He clocked Luther outside the shed and fled on foot.
When disgusting Felton couldn't get details about her first time out of Becky, he figured she hadn't slept with Jason. He ran to check on him and found Luther tied up. Felton had promised Crystal he wouldn't hurt Jason, but all bets were off. He turned into a panther and chased after him. I love it when Jason goes all Rambo on us. He took off his shirt and threw it so it would throw Felton off his scent. With all the wounds on his torso, this wasn't Jason at his shirtless best, but it was still nice. He put some mud on himself, I presume to try to stifle his scent. (I feel like old Jason would have lathered his whole body with it like he was Schwarzenegger blocking body heat in Predator.) I kept waiting for Jason to turn into a panther, but instead, he made a spear and climbed into a tree. (Very Rambo.) When panther Felton was under the tree, Jason jumped down and speared him in the neck. Felton turned back into a (dead) man, but not before slashing Jason's leg. Crystal showed up, promptly transformed back into a topless human, and said her goodbyes to Felton -- "So long, motherf---er." She told Jason people would do what she says now in Hot Shot because she's "big momma kitty," and they could be mates for life. Jason said they're nothing but disaster. He threatened to kill her if she took another step, and she let him go. She seemed confident he'd be back on the full moon to take his place as Panther Man and ghost daddy to their clan. Hot Shot is the only place that will accept him, she said. Really? I feel like Bon Temps has a pretty diverse supernatural population. Unless all werepanthers innately have poor hygiene and the desire to walk around with blood on their faces after they eat, he should be okay.
Last we saw Jason, he had made it to a road from the forest and collapsed. Hoyt and Jessica stopped when they saw a body on the road. Jessica fed Jason some of her blood. 1.) Can't wait for THOSE sex dreams. 2.) What will vampire blood do to a werepanther in the making? 3.) Let's hope recovering addict Jason doesn't relapse and start getting high with Andy.

As for other folks who get furry, let's talk Sam and Luna. He surprised her at home, and the way she looked around when she finally let him in, you knew she was worried about more than her daughter, Emma. Sam agreeing to come in and play Barbies was pretty dreamy. Sam and Emma are now BFFs, which is equally swoonworthy. (Sam is my preferred couch cuddler. Sorry, Alcide.) Luna's big secret is that her jealous ex, who drops by unannounced and watches her, is a real bad boy and a werewolf. She's not sure what he'll do if he finds out she's gotten close to Sam. The fun for Sam never stops.
Maxine came into Merlotte's asking Sam what happened to Tommy, who's missing. No one knows that he went back to see his mother, who told him she left Joe Lee. You could tell something was up when she didn't want to answer how she left him. I thought either she'd killed him or she'd gotten back with him. That night around the fire, she told Tommy how Joe Lee had put her back in the ring, but she would have died if Joe Lee hadn't saved her from a Rottweiler puppy. They can't make it without him -- which is why Joe Lee put a chain around Tommy's neck and practically choked him. He's breathed his last free breath. Now, he's going to learn obedience, loyalty, and family. How's Sam going to figure out what happened to Tommy? I still feel bad for Tommy, even if he did try to tell his mother Sam shot him because he doesn't like him, not because Tommy had stolen money from him. Maybe Tommy will tell his parents about that stash out of desperation?
As for Alcide, being the good guy that he is, he went home to Debbie and told her exactly what he had done that day. I thought Debbie would have been able to smell Sookie on his shirt, but it was just that he'd shifted. Debbie said she wasn't mad at Alcide. She was happy he'd told her the truth because they live with "rigorous honesty" in that house. Alcide was turned on by her emotional growth, and they started to make out on the couch. (Two rewinds.) "You’re in my bed, boy. I ain’t worrying about no Sookie," Debbie said. Hot. Can she actually be worthy of Alcide again? Or, should we be nervous that he told her about Eric walking in the sun? Maybe during her time as Coot's lady, she heard something about fairies and what their blood can do for vampires. What would a fairy's blood do for werewolves? Am I totally barking up the wrong tree here?
Moving on to Operation Save Our Asses... Lafayette, Tara, and Jesus went to see Marnie. They didn't have to kidnap her to get her to try to help reverse the spell on Eric. At first, she claimed she could do nothing because it wasn't her spell, it was HER spell. "You get her ass on the godd--- goddess line, and you tell her to turn this curse a-f---in’- round," Lafayette said. But spirits aren't pets you can call. Hearing that everyone in the circle would be tortured and raped, Marnie decided to try to ask for guidance and failed. Lafayette standing with his hands up, echoing Marnie's "Reveal to us your ancient wisdom," with "Save our f---in’ asses" was hilarious. Marnie got nothing, so she decided they could try consulting the books. The right spell might send off heat, Jesus said, explaining why Marnie didn't need to open books to know she was looking in the wrong place. Marnie prayed to the spirit guide again, and this time, a book popped off a shelf. It had a spell... that I knew Pam would never be patient enough for. "Stop saying f---," Marnie said when tempers ignited. "I can't concentrate." Tara had a gun on Pam, but it didn't stop Pam from telling Marnie, "This is bulls---. Listen, bitch, I don’t have time for this. Fix my maker." The powerful witch inside Marnie was having none of that. Marnie spoke in a foreign tongue and the right side of Pam's face decomposed. Pam pulled off her right cheek -- gross! -- and Marnie told her to go home and behold her true self. Marnie laughed and collapsed. The promo for next week shows Pam's face is still yucky. It won't (gulp) stay that way for more than an episode, will it?
Another big shock: We got movement on the Mikey arc. Terry put Mikey down next to his creepy old doll while he went to do laundry. When he came back, BABY NOT YOURS, was written on the wall in the marker Mikey was now holding. Arlene and her kids had been sleeping in the room, so no one saw Mikey do it. Which would be creepier: If Mikey did it or the doll?
Your turn. What theories do you have cooking now? Which story line are you most excited about? Which arc would you like to see get less screen time? If you have to see someone shirtless on True Blood, who do you prefer?


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