¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

SHE IS THE OLD NEW ME...

Over time I’ve learned that when someone I care about hurts me, I can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge OR embrace forgiveness and move forward. But this blog entry isn’t about me, it is about my now 18 year old cousin who I now has been living in her own private hell…You see she lives with my mother and aunt who doesn’t treat her with the respect you’d give to another human being. You see my aunt is this bible wielding woman of god who has NO problems in letting you that you are going to hell. I took that abuse for years until I found the strength to stand up to her and let her know that I don’t give a F&CK about her bible AND her beliefs…When I look back, I realized that I took her shit because I was taught to ALWAYS respect your elders…all the name callings, accusations AND hatred came to an abrupt end when she took it upon herself to wish that I get HIV/AIDS for being GAY. @ That moment the man that I was up to that point DIED and I was reborn…

My cousin is pretty dead in need of her own rebirth…I fear that @ this very moment, she is being attacked verbally and being called all the slut AND whore in the world because they can’t see how they have somehow helped to make her that way…I know how hurt she feel because coming to a point in your life when you realize that your family can be wrong and they don’t have all the answers is scary for a young person. They have wounded her and now she has cast her net outward looking for LOVE in all the wrong places. Whenever I see her, I see the feelings of anger, bitterness AND even vengeance that these wounds have left her with. She recently came out of the hospital and she told me that she wish she would have died because she can’t take things the way they are anymore. For a long time I’ve kept my distance because I felt that she just need space and if we didn’t want to loose her completely, we should let her go, so we could get her back…

I can only HOPE that innate awkwardness to being human has taken her so far down the road that she can’t come back from the hurt AND pain…And though she has asked for my help, I fear that with every ounce of HATRED that is cast her way, she is has become FIRMLY rooted in insecurity. Moreover, when that is added with the fact that mom and aunt don’t know how to show REAL LOVE, the inadequacy, isolation, fear AND hopelessness will send you to a place that has NO return date…I fear that EVERY breathe that she takes is plagued by what her they think about her AND that causes her to further robbed herself of HER personal power which renders her unable to feel positive about her life…

I MUST ADMIT THAT I FIND IT A BIT DIFFICULT TO WALK WITH HER BECAUSE I KNOW SHE WOULD REMIND OF THE WOUNDS I STILL CARRY WITH ME TO THIS DAY…& THOUGH I DON’T HATE ANY OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS, I STILL KEEP MY DISTANCE…IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME ACCEPT MYSELF WARTS N’ ALL, BUT ONCE I DID THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK FOR ME! NOW I MUST HELP HER TO THE SAME FOR HERSELF…WHO KNOWS MAYBE SHE CAN BECOME THAT TEACHER SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE…MAYBE I CAN STEP IN & SAVE HER THAT SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH GOD KNOW THAT WOULD BRING HIV/AIDS INTO HER LIFE…ALL I KNOW IS THAT BEING SEEN AS THE WORST THING BY MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY IS THE HARDEST THING ANOTHER PERSON TO DEAL WITH, ESPECIALLY A YOUNG FEMALE THAT IS LOST & DOESN’T SEE THE LIGHT @ THE END OF THE TUNNEL…

6 comments:

  1. "ALL I KNOW IS THAT BEING SEEN AS THE WORST THING BY MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY IS THE HARDEST THING ANOTHER PERSON TO DEAL WITH, ESPECIALLY A YOUNG FEMALE THAT IS LOST & DOESN’T SEE THE LIGHT @ THE END OF THE TUNNEL…"

    Its true! My family made me feel like this for the longest time, because I never fit in. even to this day it''s hard for us to relate. I am a completely different person to world than I am to them.

    I think that you should help her in any way she can, because some peopel arent strong enoug to help themselves out of the dark hole they are in, they need some help. :)

    x love you gayte!

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  2. this is a great post..rooted ever so deeply in the truth....

    i'm in a sense seen as somewhat of the outcast in my family...as different..just based on my cultural history of how you are suppose to live your life...i learned very early on to detach...and that detachment from family led me to take all those feelings and emotions and put it in the wrong places and people...many encounters that i would have probably avoided in different circumstances...

    only light of guidance was my mother's understanding to "let me do things different"...though times her cultural devotion would chastise me...I can completely understand realizing that love of your family does not mean at the expense of SELF WORTH or SELF REALIZATION...

    I am sending you lots of *positive vibes and love*...for you and your cousin...i hope she isn't too fargone to no longer desire what she dreamed of becoming...

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  3. LET ME SAY THIS: Ive been where your female cousin has been at certain points. School saved me from becoming TRAPPED among an umbrella of ignorance, judgments, and church-going fools who are misguided by putting their family members down and bring their holier than thou attitudes up. Is your cousin in school? She doesn't have to allow herself to be around this craziness forever.

    She needs to find herself around people who support her FOR WHO SHE IS and not for WHAT OTHERS THINK OF HER. Talk to your cousin if you can. ENCOURAGE HER and I would recommend talking to her somewhere OUTSIDE of your aunt and mother's presence. Maybe grab some dinner or something. You never know how much your experiences could help her build self-esteem and endure until she can be on her own.

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  4. I feel for the poor kid, her spirit is dying slowly under that abuse and if she stays she will be an introvert or wind up lashing out at the world. Or worse yet pass the abuse on to some one else.

    Some times peace of mind is worth more than stability.

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  5. Wow, this is a very powerful post that certainly grabs ones attention. An interesting topic. I have been visiting this blog for a while but just learned how to actually follow so I look forward to reading the rest and keep up the good work...

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  6. DOPE FIEND – I DEFINITELY WILL LEND MYSELF TO HELPING HER GET OUT OF THIS HOLE SHE FINDS HERSELF IN…I KNOW THAT PLACE ALL TOO WELL…I AM HAPPY TO SEE THAT YOU ARE DOING GOOD DESPITE YOUR FAMILY’S FEELINGS ABOUT YOU…

    JILLIAN – THANK YOU FOR SEEING THE TRUTH WITH MY WORDS…WE OUTCAST KNOW THE PAIN ALL TOO WELL HUH? I ACCEPT YOUR POSITIVE VIBES & LOVE WITH HONOR THANK YOU!!!

    JAMAR – YOU GIVE ME HOPE THAT SHE TOO CAN HAVE A LIFE FOR HERSELF….ALL SHE NEEDS IS SOMETHING POSITIVE TO FOCUS HER ENERGY ON…

    CLNMIKE – YOU ARE SO RIGHT…SHE NEEDS PEACE OF MIND…

    UNBREAKABLE – I AM SORRY THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE WHAT I DO HERE…BUT I AM GLAD YOU STUCK AROUND & FOUND OUT…

    ReplyDelete

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