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Friendship is unencumbered when we’re young, before we have
responsibilities, obligations, and complications that keep us from maintaining
our connections. By senior year of high school, we’ve probably experienced our
first few falling-outs. We may have lost a bestie we thought we’d always have.
By the time we start dating [seriously], the wo/man we have as a best friend may
be a completely different person than the one we imagined filling the role. If
we’re lucky, our earliest friends remain our best friends throughout our lives.
But what if we’re unlucky in friendship? What if by our late twenties and
thirties, we’ve relocated, started families, and lost those deep connections
that once meant more to us than almost any other relationship we had?
In his New York Times article,
“Friends of a Certain Age,” Alex Williams
discusses the various impediments to forging close and long-lasting bonds with
new people later in life:
In your 30s
and 40s, plenty of new people enter your life, through work, children’s play
dates, and, of course, Facebook. But actual close friends — the kind you make
in college, the kind you call in a crisis — those are in shorter supply.
As people
approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big
blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change, and people often
become pickier in what they want in their friends.
No matter how
many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: The period for making
BFFs, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s
time to resign yourself to situational friends: KOFs (kind of friends) — for
now.
What do you think? Is it any
harder for you to make close friends as you get older? Have you been able to
maintain your childhood, high school, and college friendships as adult life has
increased its demands?
Fortunately, my best friend is also my identical twin brother. That established, I've retained one best friend from university days and several others from later in life. I think that as we age, perhaps our interests mature and become focused, which makes it a little difficult to identify "kindred spirits."
ReplyDeleteI find that as I get older it becomes easier for me to identify my kindred.
DeleteUnfortunately, I totally agree with the article. I read the original NY Times version and one of the interviewees 'jokingly' mentioned her list of 100 'necessary' qualifications for BFs and how she hands out demerits for infractions and I have to say that I am often guilty of that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a lack of patience or time or whatever, but when considering the possibility of turning aquaintences into potential friendships, shouldn't it be more important to find the good in people rather than the bad?
One thing I do 'merit' myself for is that I am usually willing to make the first move; i.e. an invitation for a specific date rather than the vague and empty 'let's get together some time.' It's been a while since we entertained and though I recently queried my partner about asking the nice, friendly, age-appropriate, obviously gay single guy 4 doors down over for dinner, I haven't actually hauled my ass over there and asked him as of yet. :>)
I told Noel that I want us to entertain and hang out with other couples, will keep you posted.
DeleteTruth be told, I wouldn't mind a little sack time with this particular neighbor and I dont know if I want to open up that particular can of worms. He's home all day and so am I.. OH!!!Daddie !!!
DeleteYou keep it in your pants sir!
DeleteMy best friend has literally been my best friend since I can remember, as my mom was friends with his mom and dad. I've had friends I have said goodbye to, or ones that simply drift away as they move on to different schools or move away. But I am pretty sure he will be a constant in my life. Been that way since we used to share the time out stair in daycare for bouncing megablocks off each others' head.
ReplyDeleteSO cool, I have a friend that has been with me for more than a decade now so I now I am trying to catch you up :-)
DeleteTo me the best kind of friends are ones that you grew up with..people that were there with from the beginning, but when things go sour those kind of friends could also be your worst enemy. But I have given up on so called 'friendship' away because most people don't really grasp the concept of what a REAL friend is suppose to be. I'm anti social and when I get lonely and start wishing I had actual friends...ppl remind me WHY Im anti social. I think I probably would have been better off having a friend I grew up with, but I never had that. And when you get older [or this is at least how I feel] you don't have the time nor the patience to even 'test the water' by opening up to someone and/or trying to SEE if they will be a good friend to you only to find out....they're not. I'm too old to be dealing with that crap. Most people are trifling and let's say if it ISN'T that...then it may be that person is a GOOD PERSON, but that does NOT mean you going to CLICK with them as a friend.
ReplyDeleteSo true, can I be your friend?
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