¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Monday, 02 April 2012


Remember when Willam went home for “breaking the rules” last week? And remember all of those questions we had? And remember how they turned  those questions into PR buzz, a well-choreographed interview circuit and a video of Willam reading Tweets for five minutes?

Nope. I definitely don’t remember any of that. But Dida Ritz had a Freudian slip on the matter, “No one’s ever been kicked off in the history of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m gagged!”

I think she means gag-ordered?

Aaaanyway. The girls celebrate Willam’s departure by chanting “goodbye shady bearded lady,” making glitter angels (right), and then reenacting the infamous main stage scene. Sharon uses her RuPaul shirt as a makeshift costume; Phi Phi vomits glitter while donning a wig and a wig-beard.

But enough about that fifth-runner up. You’re now entering a Willam-free safe space. Proceed with smiles.

For the mini-challenge, Ru tells the girls, “You need to stand tall by decorating a pair of platform shoes.” Well, I guess it’s been a while since our last craft-tacular competition, and this one comes with a heavy-handed dose of Absolut cross-promotion! Goody.

The girls are assigned a theme, handed their materials and are given 20 minutes to “design” platform shoes.

Phi Phi pulls inspiration from the Chiquita Banana woman’s vomit. And Sharon, for no apparent reason, serves us some Navajo (or is that Nava-hoe?)  realness with shoes sporting desert rocks and “nightmare catchers.”

Jeffery Moran, the mostly-silent marketing person for Absolut, sort of just stands there while RuPaul announces Phi Phi as the winner. Hmm. Okay?

I find this year’s Absolut commercial on Drag Race to be seizure-inducing, so perhaps Phi Phi’s design was the most “on brand.”

But the victory appears to be for nothing, as RuPaul jumps right to the main challenge: The girls will Frock the Vote by running as drag-queen presidential candidates. It’ll shake down similarly to The Snatch Game, except Chad Michaels won’t be able to go as Cher again.

In challenges that involve more thinking (as opposed to choreographing or glitter-gluing), the workroom isn’t as dramatic. This time, the only sounds we hear are the echoes of Phi Phi’s belching and Dida Ritz’s brain struggling to generate political satire. Phi Phi also manages to finish all of her prep during the commercial break. Either she’s really good, or she’s too dim to see the challenge of this challenge. I’m opting for the latter.

For the critiques, RuPaul brings in Dan Savage (sex columnist, political pundit, and Santorum coiner). Then, shit gets serious: Every girl pitches her slogans and platforms and Dan does his best to find weaknesses.

Latrice wants to give money to HIV/AIDS patients who are on disability. Well, where are you going to get that money? Phi Phi wants to fund a wig-making warehouse. That’s socialism! Dida is uncomfortable talking about politics. Dan Savage reads you and then reminds you to vote! Chad Michaels doesn’t have any real issues to talk about. Dan Savage flashes angry eyebrows!

But if Sharon were down in the polls, would she then run attack ads?

“Well, I enjoy being down on a pole.” Bingo. She deflects nicely and proves she’s sharper than the entire Republican ticket.

For the debate, Ru uses the tagline Anderson Cooper wishes he could use for every show ever, “Give us 22 minutes, and we’ll give you an erection for the election.”

Chad Michaels takes on the rambling persona of “Chad ‘The Lady Pimp’ Michaels” and, while she runs out of time during her opening statement, she turns the word “shoes” into a curse word. It’s hilarious and endearing.

Dida comes off as stiff—she would redecorate the White House with Ralph Lauren. And more Ralph Lauren. And even more… Ralph Lauren. Sure, their fabrics are captivating but get it together, girl!

Sharon takes a comedically stern approach, which makes lines like “Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between” pack an even stronger punch.

Latrice could have had some decent responses, but they were buried in her index cards—not her head. Every time the girl delivered a line, she had to stare down at those darned notes.

Phi Phi, who has done nothing this season but bring shame to Texas, babbles about being a “small, Southern girl from Texas” and going “cowtipping in drag.” It’s reminiscent of her Lady Gaga during Snatch Game: trying so hard that it’s painful to watch.

But the main event comes when Phi Phi is asked about who should be her running mate, “I think that it’s so great that the help can sit there and compete along side with me.” She then points to Latrice and Dida.

The help? Girl, we have a black president.

Okay, I’m going to stop you right there. The joke was unfunny and offensive but, more importantly, you should’ve spent less time bragging about being a debater and more time coming up with a second joke.

The one good thing that came of this? Latrice’s response to the question: “Politics can get so ugly. Can you give us a time when you made peace with someone?”

“I looked across at Miss O’Hara, and realized she was ugly—and I’m at peace with that.” Latrice, you are my moon and my stars and my everything. Please never change.

For the main stage, the girls dress for the inaugural ball. Dan Savage and Jeffery Moran are guest judging.

Phi Phi and Dida completely miss the theme. Yes, their outfits are nice. They’re fine. There’s no thought. Just… pretty.

And then Chad Michaels serves some Lady Bird Johnson realness (Is that a thing? They said it’s a thing, so I guess it’s a thing). This is what every Republican woman thinks she looks like. And—according to Dan Savage—how Marcus Bachmann sees himself in his dreams.

Latrice found some sparkly corset situation and called it a day. Don’t even get me started on the bra strap she had hanging out.

Sharon proves that you can turn almost any outfit into a respectable one with smart justification. Her dress was transparent (as politicians should be), and surprisingly futuristic because, “a drag queen is not going to be president for a hundred years, so I had to think ahead.”

Sure, it didn’t hit you over the head with inaugural realness, but it had brains. Werk.

After the break, we learn Chad Michaels is in the top two but Sharon Needles is named the winner. Condragulations! Sharon wins a gift certificate to Interior Illusions Home. Hooray? Just what a girl needs: a set of overpriced gold lamé chairs.

To no surprise, Dida Ritz is in the bottom two. She killed it six weeks ago, so as long as she’s going up against Phi Phi there shouldn’t be a problem.

Wait. A. Minute. RuPaul calls Phi Phi safe?! Pardon me while I scream at my television. Even Dan Savage tweeted bullshit on the matter. This means that Latrice Royale is also in the bottom two. Nooo! Can’t we just kick off Jiggly Caliente a second time?

Fine. I have no choice but to accept this fate. The song is “I’ve Got to Use My Imagination” by Gladys Knight.

Dida kicks off her dress and gives us legs and fishnets. Nice. But Latrice? Latrice was born for this lip-synch, “This is old school. You need to understand where these words are coming from and get the emotion out.”

She takes us to church and takes down the competition. Dida, your moves are great, but they are no match for the force that is Latrice Royale.

Dida Ritz, sashay away.

But wait, there’s another twist: Just like last season, they’re bringing back another queen! (We saw Carmen Carrera returns and sashay in the same episode.) Who will it be this time? We’ll have to wait to find out.

As long is it’s not Willam, I’ll be happy. (Crap! I broke the Willam-free safe space rules). Either way, I tend to agree with Latrice on this one, “no mo’ hoes!”



  1. Chad had me rolin with her up do, UP DO and them damn lights lol but as bitter sweet as it was to see Latrice in the bottom, I have to say it was so refreshing to see her tear the house down.

    1. I had final 3 hopes for Latrice but it looks like that might not happen.




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