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Sunday, 25 September 2011

DEAR ANDERSON COOPER: ¿WHO'S KEEPING YOU HONEST?




Through the windows of the set, I can see flocks of birds flying over the backdrop of Central Park, and their freedom seems a tragic juxtaposition against yours. You suddenly seem to me a man who’s trapped – caged in that metal-and-glass backed set overlooking Columbus Circle, frantically running up into the audience for one last question that was actually just a gift: a ragged-looking woman in gold pleather gives you a rosary and a plastic vial of holy water – the significance of which no one seems quite able, or willing, to grasp. I don’t know what you made of the present – was it her effort to save you from a certain unnamed lifestyle? A simple, genuine gift of faith? A public push to accept Jesus Christ as your one and only savior? You received it graciously before literally running off the set with a wave, on to save the world in more important arenas perhaps.

When I return home that night, I turn on your AC360 show on CNN, where you are more formal in jacket and tie. You open by reporting on another suicide due to bullying – a 14-year-old child has killed himself after being bullied for his sexuality. It is not the first time you have drawn worthy attention to the issue, even if means being ridiculously perceived as pushing a “gay agenda” – and that’s admirable of you – but it’s not enough.

You talk of the loneliness and desperation and how heartbreaking it is. You showed the video that the boy – Jamey Rodemeyer – made for the ‘It Gets Better’ project – and I wait for some flicker of whether this is personal to you. There are some things that only another gay person who has been through that fear can understand and access. Is that you? Are you one of us?

How sad that this dead child – this 14-year-old boy who was brave enough to be himself at such young age, to put his life in danger and ultimately take it himself – has done more for gay youth than you have done. Make no mistake, you have done a lot in your own way – just not that one final admittance of truth, that one simple act that might make all the difference.

Dear Anderson Cooper – You don’t know me, and while I knew of you, I had never seen any of your work prior to your viral giggling fit, which, I’ll admit, won me over. (For that silly reason alone, I got tickets to see your talk show.) I’m more aware of you from your cat-and-mouse game of dodging the gay question – which is entirely your right to do, but after seeing your show in person yesterday, I think it might behoove you to come out – if only for your own happiness.

I read somewhere that I wasn’t supposed to give anything away about the show before it aired, but since the topic was of no interest to me, I’m not going to reveal anything about that or who might have been on it (I didn’t know them anyway). Having never attended any other talk shows, I don’t really know how they work, but I got the distinct impression that you didn’t really want to be there. Much of the time you were short, quick, and almost testy with the crew. You seemed to be going through the motions, and there was an unhappiness and complete lack of joy in what you were doing, which begs the question: Why?

I get the feeling that you’re trying to be both things at once – the serious, hard news reporter, as well as the likable, friendly, my-life-is-an-open-Oprah-book-of-the-month talk show host – and you can’t really do that successfully – at least, you’re not doing it yet, and I wonder at the reason for it. Any sort of reticence to get personal or revelatory will be seen as disingenuous. The fact that you just showed an episode of yourself crying and discussing your brother’s suicide with your Mom shows that you can get personal and still maintain a professional stance, so your reluctance to address your sexuality is a sticking point with me, played out almost comically as Britney Spears blasts over the studio speakers and the seats fill with middle-aged women and young gay men. There’s no nobility in cowering behind the reporter’s visage, not when you have a talk show on which you’re revealing the personal side of your life.

You continue to publicly crusade against bullying, yet your very act of playing it coy and private with your own sexuality doesn’t seem to be saying that it’s okay for young people to be gay or for their mothers (who adore you) to embrace them. I’ve seen those mothers gush over you on FaceBook and Twitter and now in your own studio, and I know the power you have.

Maybe you’re afraid to offend and lose viewers. Maybe you honestly feel it is none of anyone’s business and it shouldn’t make a difference. And maybe you’re right on all points – but if there’s the slightest chance that it might help someone, why wouldn’t you do it?

When I was a kid growing up in the 80’s, my only gay idols were Liberace and Rock Hudson. While the former enticed with his glittery extravagance and the latter had lots of luminous lady co-stars, in the end they were two sad, scared souls who had to hide from the world and die more or less alone. That’s all I had to look up to. In a People magazine story on Liberace, I searched for a sign of recognition, desperate to discover whether that would one day be me. Was the only way through a life like theirs an early death of secrecy and disease? It would be another decade before I could even face the fact that I was gay.

Far more resonant than “Stop the bullying” or “It Gets Better” would have been the intrinsic message of solidarity and acknowledgement in a hero’s proclamation of “I am like you”. That would have done more to drive away the loneliness I felt than any sort of pat on the back or other protection would have engendered. By leaving us without that, you fail in all your other efforts.

If I’d only seen someone like you – someone successful, someone I admired – living openly as a gay man – how much heartache and loneliness would that have prevented? How many other kids might be saved, if not from death then possibly from pain? Why wouldn’t you come out to help just one person, or save just one life? Knowing the hurt and anguish that a single extinguished soul can leave, why wouldn’t you take that chance?



27 comments:

  1. I thought Anderson Cooper had already come out as gay. I thought he just didn't parade it around because it was unimportant to the story or stories that he wanted to tell.

    On a side note, I'm never quite sure why people want to know what color your shit is and why you don't display it when all they really need to know is that you shit.

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  2. What a load of crap. Like, uh, there are maybe 3 people in the free world who dont know that Anderson Cooper is Gay? Where is it written that just because he is a public figure, he is obliged to march around waving the Rainbow flag all the time?

    I admire Anderson Cooper for a number of reasons:

    1. Because he's drop-dead gorgeous...

    2. Because he had the balls to defy his family and use his position and wealth to make a legitimate contribution to the world by opening our eyes to the daily suffering going on around us. No vapid party boi or Gay Paris Hilton here ...

    3. Because he doesnt play the Gay card or the Vanderbilt card and rubs neither in our faces. The guy has true class. How much money he has or who he likes to f**k is nobody's business but his own and I admire him greatly for that.

    4. Because he's drop-dead gorgeous..okay, so I'm a bit shallow :>)~

    Anderson Cooper doesn't FLAME.. he GLOWS from within and to me, that sets a great example for other Gay men to follow. He can hop into my bed at any time and read me the editorial section of the NY Times while I 'do' him. F**K YEAH !!!

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  3. DAMIEN: I THOUGHT SO AS WELL EVEN THOUGH I BELIEVE NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO INFRINGE ON ANOTHER'S CHOICE, I STILL LOVE THIS LETTER.

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  4. CURIOUS: THAT ALWAYS PUZZLED ME. I FEEL THAT WE NEED TO GET OUR COMMUNITY IN ORDER & MAYBE, JUST MAYBE FOLKS LIKE ANDERSON WOULD TAKE UP RESIDENCE WITHOUT ALL THIS PUSHING N' PULLING.

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  5. JEFF: THANKS FOR THE MENTAL IMAGES, IF YOU DO GET TO MAKE #4 HAPPEN, I ASK THAT YOU TAKE PHOTOS OR INVITE ME OVER...

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  6. Anderson is great i admire him on many levels

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  7. Mr. Don Lemon, also on CNN, acknowledged his same gender loving persona publicly last May, 2011, and suffered no serious consequences professionally, at least not yet, as a result. He is a man who is comfortable and at peace with himself.

    If Mr. Anderson Cooper is gay, obviously he isn't at that same level of comfort as Mr. Lemon. Whether this is due to internalized homophobia, professional pressure, fear of rejection by family and friends, whatever, it is his decision to make. Until he is accepting and confident with his sexuality, we have to respect his judgment.

    If he isn't queer but simply supportive of equality and freedom, then we need to be grateful for his honesty and objectivity when it would be easier for him to be otherwise. If only more journalists would follow his lead.

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  8. ROGER: I BELIEVE EVERYTHING IN IT'S TIME. I WONDER WHAT DO WE GET IF ANDERSON COMES OUT...

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  9. gayte-keeper, I appreciated your piece here and appreciate the questions you brought forth

    Anderson Cooper's homosexuality, like that of many in the public eye in one form or another---seems to be an open secret. So many people have written about his gayness that it seems almost certain that he is gay, though I suppose there is still some possibility that he might not be.

    From my perspective there is one major and primary reason why a public person might consider coming out. that reason is that it normalizes LGBT membership with young LGBT people who have far too few people to counter all the voices in their young lives that are telling them that homosexuality, bisexuality and transgender status is evil, bad, disgusting, abnormal, etc. I believe it makes sense for ALL LGBT people who are public people and in roles of influence to come out because of this reason. The more people young people are able to point to and say---"WOW, that person is just like me" the better. If Anderson Cooper is indeed gay and he speaks about LGBT bullying he, in my opinion is something of a hypocrite because he is talking about making life better for young people that have had the courage to do something that he himself has not.

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  10. I feel you need not make your sexuality known. I wish that young man could have confided in someone other then the camera. You can see that he was hurting inside. Where were his parents? He shouldn't had to carry this burden alone. I guess I didn't care what they said about me when I was growing up because I knew who and what I was A Person first. I also knew that my sexualy didn't define the total me! How would Mr. Cooper coming out help this child. He needed one on one love from an adult that was close to him not someone saying I'm gay and I understand. It won't get better until we tell our gay youth you are not define by who you love but the contributions you make to this world. This was low self-esteem in this child. You learn self-esteem from your parents. Not one man whether he was straight or gay seem to be this young mens life. He said all his friends were girls. I ask you what are you doing to help gay youth who just need a friend? I myself voulenteer at a gay youth center. I'm go into schools to talk about bullying. I don't care about famous people coming out because they are not on the front line. Money is great but are they or you rolling up your sleeves pitch in?

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  11. Dear anonymous, I was a child and adolescent psychotherapist for over 20 years. I retired last year. I started a support group for young gay kids that was the first in the state in which I lived in at the time. I have provided counseling for hundreds of teenagers dealing with coming out and related issues. That is what I have done to help kids who are dealing with emerging sexuality. I now serve as a mentor to several young kids in the community in which I live to provide support to them around their sexuality. I get the approval of their parents to be their mentor.

    This is not an issue of either/or. It is doing whatever that can be done to help. There is not just one answer. I never said Anderson Cooper *should* come out in order to specifically assist young people in dealing with their sexuality. I simply gave an example of why it is helpful for such a person to do so. Please understand the distinction there.

    Obviously we are more than our sexuality. However, that is an adult awareness and understanding. Try telling that to a young kid who is dealing with his/her emerging sexuality.

    You mention Jayme Rodemeyer. I find that ironic. In this young mans youtube video he mentions Lady Gaga and the support he felt he received from her particularly with her "Born This Way" song. This illustrates the power of public figures to affect influence on young people's minds. This stands in stark contrast to your thoughts on this issue. You may not want to admit it but we live in a world where public people affect huge influence in our world, especially among young people. Jayme's love for Lady Gaga did not save his life. We do not know what the impact would have been if the hundreds of other public figures who are closeted would have been out and would have been additional heros/sheros for him. Fortunately we do not live in a world where parents alone bear responsibility for out children. In our complex world that is a responsibility most parents cannot even begin to shoulder. That is an unrealistic expectation. It takes a village. And in the case of LGBT kids and teens, it takes an active, proud and out LGBT village.

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  12. I imagine that closeted public figures dont come out for many of the same reasons that people in the private sector dont- so why should our expectations of them be any different? Creativity and success dont automatically imply that one has to have a highly developed social conscience or that any high profile individual MUST use their success as a forum in support of the common good. It's great when they do, but we as their 'public' do not have the right to expect them to 'give back.' Whatever Anderson Cooper's motives are, he has a right to his privacy, just as we civilians do.

    I cannot comment on the tragic death of Jayme Rodemeyer except to express my extreme sadness over this desperate act. I am a former victim of abuse and my own parents were the biggest tormentors and bullies in my life. There was no respite for me because the school bullies took over where my parents left off. There was no 'Village' back in those days, no support groups, no Gay role models and no protection under the law for kids like me. I mourn Jayme because I very nearly WAS him.

    All I can say is that it DOES get better, but it took over 5 decades for it to get better for me.. It started to get better on 7/14/2009 when purely by chance, I met another 'kid' just like me, who had lived the same kind of life I had, and we decided to MAKE it better together.

    *** Rest in peace, beautiful boy ***

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  13. SAGE: I GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK THAT WE CAN HAVE ALL THE CELEBS IN THE WORLD ‘COME OUT’ IF YOUR IMMEDIATE ENVIRONMENT IS HARSH, MANY WON’T MAKE IT.

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  14. ANON: I WATCHED A CLIP OF HIS FUNERAL THIS MORNING & SOMETHING HIT ME, AS HARD & AWFUL AS HIS DEATH IS, IT HAPPENED FOR A REASON, FOR A PURPOSE. MANY OF US WILL FALL IN THE FIGHT & IT IS UP TO US TO CARRY THOSE THAT DO WITH US.

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  15. SAGE: SO GLAD TO GET YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON THIS SUBJECT.

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  16. JEFF: I RELATE TO YOUR STORY, MY FAMILY & JOB @ THE TIME TORMENTED ME. I DON’T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE & TO THIS DAY I FIND IT STRANGE THAT KILLING MYSELF NEVER CAME TO MIND. I AGREE THAT IT DOES GET BETTER, BUT ALL OF OUR PATHS ARE DIFFERENT & MANY OF US DON’T HAVE PATIENCE.

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  17. I do not believe there should be some mandate or law that dictates that all LGBT celebrities absolutely have to come out. I just want to make sure everyone understand that this is my position on that. Jeff, as you pointed out the reasons why LGBT celebrities don't come out are likely some of the reasons other people don't PLUS there are some others that are added to the list that are specific to being a "celebrity." Plus, a you also imply, not all of them would necessarily be good role models for young kids and teenagers dealing with their emerging sexuality. And gayte-keeper yes, as you point out id someone''s life is really horrible it may not make a difference. But it might. One never knows. Angels come in all forms and miracles happen every day.

    Now, to your question Jeff about why there should be a different expectation for celebrities. We should have different expectations for celebrities in this regard because I view celebrities as public servants. John and Jane Doe LGBT persons are not. Celebrities and public people receive HUGE privileges and social capital as a direct result of their celebrity. They can do all kinds of things that everyday people cannot. Plus they receive HUGE perks and advantages again, as a direct result of the fame (which are bestowed on them by all us "everyday" people) With high degrees of social capital automatically comes social responsibility. That's just how it is. And one...just one expression of that social responsibility could...just could be coming out and parlaying some of that social capital and privilege they have (which we have given them) into giving back in all the ways that can come from coming out lending their name (social capital) to the cause of LGBT liberation and activism AS ONE OF US, not just as an ally to us (which of course is also greatly appreciated and important but is not as powerful).

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  18. What a heartfelt entreaty! While the decision to come out is a deeply personal one, everytime a celebrity or person of note comes out, it is a win for the LGBT community.

    People still have so many negative connotations of the LGBT community because of all the caricatures out there like the limp-wristed fag or the tired, old bitchy queen. Don't get me wrong, I love these but they are merely a small part of the gay community-but the part that the media always chooses to represent our community on the big and small screen or some brooding,lonely psychotic homo. It's getting a little better, but progress is always a slow march.

    LGBT are just like any other community, heterogenous not homogenous. The more people of note that come out and help communicate this to the world, the more normative our community will become to the society. This is extremely important, as the author suggests for all those "little monsters" out there growing up alone and confused with seeds of self-hatred sprouting up within them.

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  19. Jeff-the-other-

    I could not help but be struck by your poignant and eloquent response. I think it presents an enticing moral/ethical quandry. I have to confess I labor under the premise that a good, honorable person engenders respect and admiration from others and has the ability to inspire them-and should do so. Do they have a responsibility or obligation to help and lift others? This is the quandry. We must, however confess the salvation of humanity depends on such people.

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  20. In all areas of my life I have found I have needed to re-calibrate my definition of responsibility. I was trained like so many of us to more or less view that word as a rather burdensome one in a lot of ways. Over the years I have come to see the word, at least in how I approach it in my life, as a gift instead. And with that new definition has come a secondary need, a need to be very selective with what I include in my goody basket of responsibilities.

    Because I define myself as an activist, among other things, the number of responsibilities I have taken on in my life has increased dramatically. I am imagining one who does not consider him or herself to be an activist, has fewer responsibilities.

    As an LGBT activist for example, I have taken on the responsibility to do everything in my being to affect positive change for all LGBT people in the world. I have been in life situations where it was potentially very dangerous for me to reveal my sexual orientation. For example, I was once a teacher at a Catholic High School that had a specific provision against openly gay teachers (which they could do because it was a private school) before I went back to graduate school to become a psychologist. However, because I already had defined myself as an activist by that time, I came out to my principal (who was a nun) and all my fellow teachers because I saw myself as having a "responsibility" to be true to myself primarily for the sake of any students in the school who may have been struggling with sexuality issues. As it turned out the provision against openly gay teachers was changed as a result of my coming out to the staff.

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  21. My friends...I define myself as a pacifist and am ashamed to say that I rarely vote and dont do much for Gay rights other than give money. However, I do feel that I am making an albiet meager, but sustained contribution to the advancement of LGBT awareness.

    For the past six months I have been main health care advocate and business manager for my partner's aged and ailing mother. It amazes me that he, 2 caregivers I hired at enormous cost and myself, can't keep up with and do all the necessaries for one old lady that she did for 5 kids and an abusive husband all by herself.

    I am very proud of the example my partner and I are setting with local financial, medical and administrative providers. It was necessary for us to define our relationship and our orientation to all of these people due to legal and patient privacy requirements. People needed to know WHO I WAS and receive written permission from my partner in order for me to be able to speak on his and his mother's behalf. So, pretty much everybody we have contact with in coordinating care for Mom knows we are a Gay couple.

    My partner and I werent particularly thrilled about having to come out to basically everyone in the medical community in this small college town, but it has gotten easier. The words "Jeff is my partner" and "T is my partner" literally roll right off of our tongues with a smile and a flourish as we reveal our status to more and more people.

    One of Mom's caregivers is a lovely young woman from Ghana. When she found out we were Gay, she said 'sure, if figures that all the good ones are either Gay or married.':>)~ During a conversation last week, she remarked to me that this was the first opportunity she had ever had to interact with a Gay couple, and how amazed she was by the level of respect and commitment we have to Mom's continuing recovery and welfare and how devoted my partner and I are to each other. I thanked her and remarked that this was the first time I ever really had the opportunity to interact on a personal and intimate basis with a person of color and that I hoped we would continue to know each other better.

    I have heard more or less the same comments from many different people; from the VP at the bank, from the other residents at Mom's senior housing complex, from the ER staff at the hospital, and now from the many providers, staff and more than a few patients at the nursing home Mom where Mom is going through rehab.

    Although I am exhausted all the time, I have an extra bounce in my step that I didnt have before; I realized that T and I are poster bois illustrating what a Gay relationship is really all about as well as what being a caregiver and the necessary sacrifices that go along with that position are about.

    Many people are seeing how we conduct ourselves and I am sure that we are changing many people's perceptions. Some of these people might even go home and tell their families about what the Gay men did or said today, and some of these people might tell some other people, and so on and so on.

    I am very proud of who my partner and I are as GAY men and of the example we set in our community. We may not be rock stars or talk show hosts, but I feel that even as small-town pacifists, we are doing our part to make a difference in the world and change at least a few perceptions about people like us.

    Though we dont have the social power of a cultural icon like Anderson Cooper, we are very much like him in that we are good to our Mom. If that doesnt speak volumes about the LGBT community, then ask any of a dozen little old ladies in the local nursing home who never see or hear from their straight children, what they think of the two 'adorable Gay cuties' who come to see their Mom every day.

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  22. @Jeff-the other,

    I know I said we need more people of note and celebrities to come out more because they have the most exposure, but after reading your post, I think it's the "gay's next door" that we need more of, ones like you and your partner. People are attracted to honor and integrity. You and your partner are speaking volumns for the gay community. Thank you!

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  23. SAGE: LOVE THE ANGELS COME IN ALL FORMS LINE! I THINK OF CELEBS AS PUBLIC SERVANTS, BUT WE MUST REMEMBER THEY ARE HUMAN AS WELL SO…

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  24. THOMAS: WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS LETTER, I HAD TO POST IT! I AM GLAD TO GET YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT.

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  25. JEFF: YOU CONTINUE TO WARM MY HEART!

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