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Monday, 09 November 2009

¿CAN GAY & STRAIGHT MEN EVER HAVE A REAL HONEST FRIENDSHIP/ALLIANCE?



The idea of homosexuality, and of men dealing with it, can be a natural AND contemporary thing; and though there are honest bonds between straight AND homosexual men, I tend to befriend men that are homosexual in nature. Now I know that cannot be a healthy way to live, but living in a world where I am NOT seen as a valuable member of the male species can you blame me? I’ve learned over the years how to compartmentalize my sexuality AND avoid creating any type of friendship with hetero men. As a self assured gay man, the idea of giving the hetero man that much power over me is unsettling; and I’ve often wondered if there ever will be a way to TRULY NORMALIZE friendships/alliances between homosexual AND homosexual men?

Homosexual and heterosexual men have ALWAYS had a strained relationship. One of the biggest strains if NOT THE SINGLE BIGGEST STRAIN between us is caused by the confusion about our outright disregard for the sexual boundaries of heterosexual men. Homosexual expression between adult men has always been thought of as a minority occurrence, so while homosexual males have to deal with straight males throughout their lives, heterosexual males have limited experience dealing with male homosexuality. Further, for the better part of human history, homosexual expression between adult men has been forbidden or scorned, so heterosexual males weren’t supposed to know how to deal with male homosexuality. So with homosexuality going against the rules, is there a need to establish rules for interacting socially with homosexuals?

If we as men are to interact as peers and friends in a society that forbids homosexuality, how does one establish some universal ground rules when it is only acceptable to appreciate a hetero man from a distance? Be it your personal barber OR doctor, it is BIG NO-NO to offer him an innocent compliment, no matter the nature of the accolade. A friendly handshake with a slight hug is usually accepted, but anything beyond that WILL be misconstrued as a sexual advance and it WILL run the risk of taking things in the area feared by both hetero and homo men alike. But what is this area exactly? Moreover, why does it exist?

The reason it exists is one of THE BIGGEST stereotype of all. The notion that most gay men can’t OR don’t refrain from hitting on straight men is simply NOT TRUE! The REAL stereotype is the tendency for them to see us ONLY through the lens of sexual orientation. Despite THE FACT that some homosexual males like to imagine they could “turn” any straight man OR that all straight men secretly have homosexual fantasies…they have NO right to place all of us in that box…And the same thing can be said for the homosexual that take advantage of THE FACT, that some straight men are more “available” than others…If we are to establish a common ground with each other instead of just making assumptions about one another, isn’t time that we open our minds to the fact that sexuality though it may be a scary thing, is THE most human element we all share?

But before we can share this element with each other, we need to establish THE ONE element that is essential to any meaningful friendship and that’s TRUST! We need to be able to trust that we aren’t scheming to secretly poke him in the butt AND that he isn’t trying to put a knife in ours…By building TRUST, both sides can understand AND respect each other’s sexuality…Until then, I will stay in my compartmentalized part of the world…


21 comments:

  1. EXCELLENT POST!

    My friends have always been gay men. I have never, ever had a straight friend.

    Until recently, I was rabidly heterophobic, but I've had the good fortune to work with a lot of typical straight guys in my day job (where I'm out) and climbed down from that.

    I’ve learned over the years how to compartmentalize my sexuality AND avoid creating any type of friendship with hetero men. That sums it up perfectly for me.

    Brian once said in Queer as Folk, "There's two kinds of straight people: those who cuss you to your face, and those who do it behind your back." Or something along those lines anyway. Sadly, I think that's more or less true.

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  2. I vote no. Gay men are always expected to ruin a relationship when the wondering eyes come out. And give it a week, they will come out.

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  3. GARCON - THANK YOU, GLAD TO KNOW THAT BOTH SIDES CAN FIND A REAL & HONEST COMMON GROUND...

    REGGIE - IT WILL BE DIFFICULT THAT'S FO' SURE...

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  4. yeah,but u failed to mention women
    throw rocks at they straight man
    having a gay friend....society does
    not allow it and in the end men
    bend to society.....I hav it a little easy,I am not fem(not that
    Iam throwing rocks at my fems) and
    I have been able to have a friend
    or two. It does not last as my
    straight friend will be cool ,for
    a while,then ask me why I never
    tried to get at him,I was shocked,
    as he portrayed himself as straight...he told me he was and
    considered himself straight ,but
    he is also a man,...and men fuck
    so could we whatever....I was lik
    nope...and lost the friendship.
    This is not uncommon,real straight
    men need to learn how to stand
    up and be proud....something we
    gays have always done manchild

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  5. It's possible, hell anything is possible. Is it likely, I'd have to say no. The only way I can see that happening is if the straight man is very secure in his sexuality, and doesn't care what others think of him. The gay man can't carry himself in a way the that would make the straight man uneasy or do anything that would make the straight friend suspicious of his motives. The only way I can see an arrangement like this working is if the two men have known each other since boyhood, and even then that it not a guarantee of continued friendship. I doubt a truly open and honest friendship could occur between an openly gay man and a straight man who have met and became friends as adults. In my personal experience it's best to keep straight men at arms length. I don't allow them to be anything other than associates. This way there is no hard feelings on either side(no pun intended).

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  6. ANONYMOUS - ALL MEN NEED TO LEARN HOW TO STAND THEIR GROUND IN MY OPINION...

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  7. ANONYMOUS - I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, BUT THAT MEANS THAT BOTH PERSONS HAVE TO ALTER THEMSELVES TO FIT SOME PUBLIC IMAGE AND THAT WON'T WORK....

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  8. I know so, when my homeboy came out to me, (I already had suspected he was gay for awhile before than), I was a little uneasy about it at first, even though I had an idea before hand, cause the cat was now out of the bag now and doing a jig on the dining room table. It's like it was OK for me to suspect it and maybe even know it out right but so long as it was not said out loud it was cool. Because it wasnt some random stranger or an associate that was gay. It was some one who knew me very well and there would be this feeling of a violation if it was made known. And I definitely think the respecting of boundries made things easier, he didnt try to hit on me and the topic only came up when we talked politics at first. I also think that because he was just a regular looking dude that it made things easier.

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  9. So I decided to ask a few hetero guys the same question. And somewhere in the answers I received there was always a 'BUT'.

    'Yes, I don't have a problem being friends with a gay guy, BUT he musn't cross the line'. Or 'I don't have a problem with someone being gay, as long as he doesn't flaunt it in my face'. That's basically the answers I got.

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  10. It's possible but I think the cases where it works out are rare. I've had lots of straight male friends, some were very good friends for a number of years but only one that I can think of was comfortable enough with his own sexuality to in-turn make me feel comfortable, if that makes sense? The problem with a lot of the other guys was they, for whatever reason, always ended up talking about sex, barriers become blured and lines can get crossed. Now I just keep straight men at arms length it's easier that way.

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  11. Great post; thought-provoking, Gayte-keeper! There is a lot of friction between gay and straight men based upon stereo-types and pre-conceived notions. It doesn't help when we invite or cater to those.

    I have only worked with straight men in some capacity and I am always careful to not give even a hint of an attraction (even when there is one). Thus I gain the respect (and sometimes disappointment, lol) of straight guys.

    Like all relationships, though, the gay-straight alliance needs work.

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  12. As always a profound piece. I think you are right on target with the possible exception of our sexuality being our most human element that we share. More about that later.

    You are right in saying that we gay men compartmentalize our behaviors with one set for our fellow travelers and another for our heterosexual brothers (and they are our brothers as you point out). I’m not about to get my ass kicked or face bloodied or worse because some macho hetero nut job can’t handle coming face to face with another side of his own sexual make up. And I think this is mostly from fear – and not so much fear of what it might mean to him personally but fear of the condemnation of his “society” – and WE all know how powerful this can be.

    As for the rules of engagement and interaction? Who knows. I’m sure you know straight men who have no problem being hugged, even kissed (although not on the lips) and are quite secure in their own sexuality. But we live in a culture that is so frigging prudish and ignorant when it comes to all things sexual that it is almost impossible to imagine any rules that would accommodate the equality of interaction between hetero and homo that a decent relationship would require. And you are so right in saying that it by and large it is only through our sexual orientation that heterosexual men view us. Again, in this culture, we are a HUGE threat. And this isn’t going to change anytime soon, I’m thinking.

    I am hesitant to take issue with anything you write – you have no idea how much I love what you do – but at the risk of pissing you off forever, I would say that it is our very humanity itself and our capacity to share in the experience of love that is key to what we are as human beings and as men too. Our sexuality, our sexual orientation, our sexual practices and “perversions” are really not who we are as men or as human beings. Sure, maybe a big part, but it is because our different sexuality causes such frigging problems with our culture that we have to wear it on our sleeves so to speak and deal with it endlessly. But wouldn’t you love to just be a fucking human being and not some social symbol?

    Love you.

    Scott

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  13. GREAT POST GAYTE-KEEPER....I WANNA SAY I STIL HAVE HOPE THAT PPL WILL FIND UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER...IF WE JUST GIVE IT AGO.

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  14. In my life expeiences I have been able to befriend STR8 men and maintain a healthy relationship. Of course there is that unwritten rule about crossing the line.

    One of my very best friends was STR8 and yes he had some reservations about being my friend in the beginning, but over time David became more of a brother than a friend and respected my lifestyle and I respected his. He took me to some of his family fuctions and never once made any excuses to his friends or family as to why we were friends.

    It is the homosexual/homesexual friendships that are challenging.

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  15. Fantastic post - although I've had both straight and gay friends, and it really doesn't matter to me either way. Do unto others, and all that. But there is always that undercurrent of uneasiness when dealing with members of the opposite orientation - almost like they expect you to try something and always have their guard up. Well, that isn't entirely true, either. When you get to know someone and feel comfortable with them as a friend, well - often a very strong friendship can be built. But of course both sides need to respect the other's space.

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  16. CLNMIKE – I AM GLAD THAT YOU WEIGHED IN ON THIS SUBJECT & I AM EVEN HAPPIER THAT YOU ARE SUCH AN OPEN INDIVIDUAL…

    MISS SHALLOTTE – THERE’S ALWAYS A ‘BUT’…

    ANONYMOUS – YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE RARITY OF SUCH A RELATIONSHIP. I UNDERSTAND KEEPING THEM @ ARM’S LENGTH…

    THOMAS – NO IT DOESN’T HELP THAT WE CATER OR INVITE THE PRE-CONCEIVED NOTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO SUCH A RELATIONSHIP…WE NEED A LOT OF WORK!

    SCOTT – THANK YOU SCOTT…YEAH IT IS SUCH A GAMBLE…ONE NO SHOULD TAKE JUST BECAUSE…YOU CAN TAKE ISSUE WITH ANYTHING I PUT ON THIS BLOG…I AM NOT THE AUTHORITY ON ANY SUBJECT…SO PLEASE FEEL FREE MY FRIEND…

    ZION`OLOGY – SO DO I…SO DO I…

    CHET – GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE A LOT FURTHER THAN I AM…

    MALE ESCORTS – YOU SUMMED IT UP PERFECTLY BY SAYING BOTH SIDES NEED TO RESPECT EACH OTHER’S SPACE…

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  17. YESS bro. I am so mentioning this in my post! I thought I was the only gay man who separated himself from straight guys!!! Wow! I have truly had issues not only with straight men but straight women. (Crazy but true.) I felt so isolated by the fact that society was so limited and homophobic that I did not want anything to do with anyone who might perceive me negatively. My cohort has help me see straight people in a different light and warm up a little towards them. I honestly think society has to change its construction of gender roles because we only see sexuality in the dichotomy of gay/vs. straight. Straight men trying to hold on to their manhood are in fear of understanding that sexuality is not limited to people of the LGBTQ community. Straight men and their egos assuming gay men want to be hit on them every time is ludicrous. The last part of your post made the biggest impact on me. WE Have to trust each other.

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  18. JAMAR - YOU ARE NOT ALONE...ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!

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  19. It never ceases to amaze me how gay men tend to focus entirely on their sexuality as a means of understanding and yes, perhaps even defining who they are.
    In my mind, the crux of the problem is because gay men see themselves as being defined by society as sexual objects and therefore conform to societal pressures.
    Perhaps its time to think outside of the circle and focus on our humanity instead.
    After all, in being human, we have a starting point of which to meet the hetro man on the same playing field.
    I've been asked this question before and my response is always the same.
    "What happens behind MY closed doors is my business and mine alone.
    Unless YOU have a proposal to enter my domain, you have no right to ask intrusive questions about my lifestyle".
    That tends to settle the situation and it has left me with a sense of respect which has allowed me to maintain good relationships with Hetro Men.
    They know exactly where they stand and unless they want to breach that 'boundary' they will never truly know the full extent of my life.
    Nothing is forced upon them, they can either accept it as it is or reject it but ultimately, they respect that I have made a stand and this is where we are at.

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  20. Sorry to comment on this old post, been running through your "suggested" reads.... found this one quite fascinating. I have never understood this at all. I have straight friends, gay friends, girl friends. Friends to me are just friends. They allow themselves to be themselves. This whole holding yourself back in front of straight friends is maybe why many gay men do not have straight friends. Like being in the closet. I've never felt the need to either flaunt nor hide who I am. If people accept me, that is at face value, if they do not that is cool too. But I would never have a friendship where part of me is hidden, or downplayed, nor would I expect the same from my friends. If he can bring his girlfriend to dinner, I can sure as hell bring my boyfriend.
    My all time favorite line is "As long as they do not act gay around me". Yeah, those guys you can not be friends with, but I find they are pretty few and far between.

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