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Monday, 12 December 2011

ONLINE DATING: NO FATS, FEMMES OR...


It's been seven years since I was last single, and a lot has changed since then. I'm no longer a cute twink, but I am still young at 29; in fact, I feel like I've grown into my looks and I'm more confident than ever before. But going out as a single guy is a lot different now—and not just because it's somewhat strange having younger guys look at me like I'm an "older man."

When I was single in my early twenties I would go out with friends, we'd meet new people, flirt, and if we were lucky get a phone number. If you didn't get a number and were still feeling frisky when you got home, then you might jump online and hit a couple chat rooms (or just pull out your favorite DVD for some quality alone time). Now it's like that flirting game is gone. Guys hit the bars with friends to hang out, not necessarily to meet other people. And you can't usually talk to them because they're glued to their phones, faces shining in a ghostly light as they use mobile apps to see who's nearby and looking to hook up. It was a little annoying at first, but if that's the way things were now, and I was single, then I figured I needed to join the new gay digital age.
"No Fats, Femmes, or Faggots," one profile requested. I ran my finger over my phone's screen to slide the image up and down for a second, just to confirm that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.
"Tired of flaky queens. Looking for something deeper," one earnestly stated. Then the person added, "Must live in the city, have a job, and be 29-35."
"U in shape, hot, bottom?" asked another. "Great! If not, C ya."
"No Asians!" a third read. "Don't even waste my time."
Online profiles have always been specific, with guys making it very clear what type of man they're looking for while at the same time describing themselves for the reader in (hopefully) honest terms. Similar cruel or ugly conditions could often be found when I was single as well, but back then there was an emotional and physical distance; this person was at home, maybe not even in your city, so it was easier to brush him off as a jerk with issues. Today the man could be in the room with you—his face photo may even be present on that app—and he's perfectly fine letting you know that he's "not into nelly rice queens looking for a daddy." (Yes, that's an actual quote.)
Nevertheless, I searched around and found a handsome guy who didn't have all that garbage on his profile. I sent him a text and this was our exchange:
 HIM: Hey. How old?
ME: 29
HIM: Really? You look older.
ME: Yep. Real age, real photo.
HIM: Did you read my profile?
ME: Yeah. You read mine?
HIM: I'm only into ripped guys. Sorry. You got a better pic you can send?
Here's the worst part: I told him to hang on and started scrolling through my phone to see if I had a hotter photo than what I was using for my profile. For whatever reason I wanted this guy to like me, be interested in me. I wanted a shirtless one, something that showed him just how sexy I felt about myself, and after asking him to hold on for a minute I found one and sent it off. Then I got this reply: "Thanks anyway."
As I read those two words I wondered what was wrong with us gay people. We complain that the only images representing gay men are of sexy studs with ripped muscles, and yet that's the guy we demand when we're supposedly looking for love online. We don't have the balls to meet one another face-to-face, but we can flippantly brush aside another human being simply because of his photo, his hairline, his ethnicity, or because his profile sounds too boring, bitchy or slutty. We've all done it to some extent, myself included, and we make the excuse that we don't want to waste our time, that we're just being honest, and yet we're forgetting that there is a real person on the other end of this conversation and our ugly words can really screw with someone's self esteem. Is it any surprise, that so many of us throw up a bitchy shield so that we can protect our own egos while simultaneously preparing ourselves to knock down the next guy who may take a swipe at us?
If we ever want to get away from "flaky gays" and experience real, meaningful relationships, then perhaps it's time to grow up and start giving each other the respect we want for ourselves—both online and in the real world.
SOURCE: GAY DOT NET

16 comments:

  1. Its a disease that spreading and I feel like we need to do something about it. Online dating encourages and intensifies superficiality and i personally believe it's hurting us and out relationships. I think we need to do something about it. I want to do something about it...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Smh. The Femms get no respect...

    And many times, people limit themselves because they stick to those strict qualifications of what they look for in a guy.

    So what if I'm a lil chubbier or less masculine than your last guy? I still might make you happier than he did...

    There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. But it becomes a problem when you're unwilling to explore other options. Especially when you're downright rude about it.

    --Cogito
    blackisbootyful.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was a great column @Cogito you are right on!

    I've im a relationship online but I've had a lot of sex online (check out my blog dlconfessionssequel.blogspot.com).

    What I find it that people that demand the most perfection are usually the most uninteresting, boring, mentally unstable, fucked up folks around.

    Yes, the gay world can be superficial but there are a lot of good folks out there. Get offline, join some gay interest groups or just go to a straight bar (yep, one of the best places to hook up) and you will find them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL! It's not really humorous; honestly, it's sad. However, it is so true. Too many of us resent and denigrate the stereotype yet that's exactly who and what we desire. How many of those are still looking ten, fifteen, twenty years later?

    That's what has always attracted me to the queer nudist culture. You see precisely what you are getting. And, it's virtually impossible to even think about trying to pass yourself off as someone that you're not. As naturists/nudists, there's nothing that can be hidden nor enhanced. It's who you are inside that really matters.

    As to those who are looking for Mr. Right, please take your search and your standards and good luck. You have my best wishes and my sympathy. I hope that you find what you're looking for. I have, and he is far better than any item listed on the fantasy menu. One more thing, he's also very real and exceeds any standard of measure anyone can imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  5. URSOVAIN: I AM WITH YOU THAT'S WHY I POSTED THIS ENTRY, SO THROW SOMETHING MY WAY & I AM ALL EARS!

    ReplyDelete
  6. COGITO: IN MY 'MEET N' GREET' DAYS I WAS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY F&CKER, I LOVED ALL & TOOK PRIDE IN TURNING MEN DOWN THAT DID THE NO FATS, NO FEMS SHIT.

    ReplyDelete
  7. DL: WHEN ARE YOU GONNA UPDATE THAT BLOG OF YOURS?

    ReplyDelete
  8. ROGER: MAYBE YOU SHOULD START A COURSE FOR THE GAY COMMUNITY...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Someone mentioned up thread that the bar is one of the best places. I don't think so...not even by a long shot. You go to one of those you might as well just take a camera and photograph the people who just came to MODEL...
    Be that as it may...
    This is why my phone just offers unlimited talk and text. I don't want to get caught up in the whole hook up culture that destroys the self esteem and sanity of gay men.
    I'd rather meet a nice fellow by chance who likes me just for me...and not because my photograph is not a perfectly airbrushed facsimile of the real me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. PRINCE: I AGREE A BAR ISN'T A GOOD PLACE, 9/10 TIMES YOU JUST 'HOOK UP'. FUNNY SEEING YOUR COMMENT HERE, WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HANG WITH YOU THE OTHER DAY.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Due to where I lived, my only access to men was online and I didnt start 'dating' until I was well into my 50s.. I saw all the qualifiers "no fats, no fems, no Blacks, no Jews, no Daddies, well-hung only, etc etc " as a public service announcement. Made my hunt a lot easier because I wouldnt give these assholes the right time of day, let alone the opportunity to reject me.

    Interestingly enough, the guy I wound up was someone I NEVER thought would give me a second look.. he had/has the body and face of an Adonis and he still makes me drool as he ages like a fine wine.

    Conveniently, and thank GOD, he feels the same way about me (paunch, wrinkles, balding, lack of stamina me) and I am not about to suggest that he have his eyes checked.

    ReplyDelete
  12. JEFF: SAY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS, YOU SLAY ME TO THE CORE! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE DROOL FEELING, I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was just about to post the same thing Jeff did. Nice to find someone with the same experience. Yeah, it's nice that the jerks self-identify. Beyond that, along with learning how to weed out the scams and those looking for a sugar daddy, I've been pleasantly surprised at the response I've received online. I'm white, middle-age, average dick (but thick, yeah, everyone says that but mine is, mos def), muscles but a big ole belly too, but I have gotten TONS of responses from college boys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to hear that you are getting some response, just make sure to weed out the bad ones.

      Here @ TGK we try to NOT to inflate Jeff's ego :-)

      Delete
  14. I must have just gotten laid when I wrote that piece and/or been in the middle of some really strong heartbeeps or maybe I was in the Xmas spirit, because right now, I'd like to strangle the bastard..ready to walk out.. no kiddin.. got a place lined up and just have to sign on the dotted line. Between the rage and the tears, tryin like hell to recall why I hooked up with this asshole in the first place and now I do.

    Throughout my life and in my darkest hours (not to be a drama queen but how else to say it?) there always comes a SIGN. A current response to a post from six months ago? If that ain't a SIGN then what is?

    I love him more than I can say and I will keep trying to reach him until there comes another sign that tells me it is time to give up and move on. I hope that day never comes.

    So, dudes.. Jeff's ego could use a few strokes of the support kind right now, especially since I just read the '10 reasons why relationships succeed' and can't honestly say that even ONE of them applies to us anymore. :>(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow what is going on sir? You guys were what I thought Noel and I would be when get where you are.

      Delete

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