¡We can no longer be a bunch of empty minds living in critical times refusing to recognize real lies!

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

SUBCONSCIOUS DEATH WISH...¿OR? SIMPLY BEING REAL HUMAN...

Does it ever seem to you that death from HIV/AIDS has an affinity for men that hook up with other men? I ask this question because this year alone a few persons I know of died from this killer. I would like to think that they took care of themselves, but I know that would be a lie. SO many of them lived as if they had NO care in the world…the party does NOT stop after they get diagnose with HIV/AIDS. I suppose they figure it doesn’t matter anymore because the unthinkable has become thinkable. This saddens me to no end because it is bad enough that we are not PROTECTING ourselves from this killer, but we are proving the moral majority to be right by living/dying like this disease was sent to rid us off this planet.

As I think about the men that were lost to this disease, I often wonder, if being who they are (gay) made them feel as they are were/are THE embodiment of an unnatural sin? I sit and think about how many of them wished they could have maintained their ‘godly’ heterosexuality by wanting wives and children? I wonder how many of them freaked out in private, curled into the fetal position, crying as HIV/AIDS became their reality. How many more gay men will have to fight HARD to recondition themselves to fight against the stigma of this disease the same way Pavlov reconditioned his dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell ONLY TO FAIL?

OUR LUST FOR EACH OTHER IS KLLING US! We as gay men are fighting SO hard to end up ALONE! I LOVE fucking the next guy as much as anyone else, but I think about spooning on rainy Sunday mornings, receiving that surprise gift from that special man who knows my middle name. Life's a lot longer than just 9-12 inches and I don't want us to find ourselves preparing to die from a disease that doesn’t care about us @ all.

I am tired of us being the victim that has been robbed and beaten by my friends and my family. I am tired of us being the forgotten, the lost and the abandoned. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the men who have passed that were SO disconnected and dissociated from THE source. This brings to mind something the prophet Kahlil Gibran said,
“our pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses our understanding and much of our pain is self-chosen. He continues by saying, “It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility; for his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, and the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.”
What I’m saying is that we can choose to go on or we can choose to give up. We make choices for a lot of reasons, but every reason we choose seeks to do one thing, it takes us further on our journey. However we as gay men play SO hard that we take ourselves to the place where we can’t adequately address our needs. We find ourselves prowling the walls between the glory holes seeking that empty, anonymous sexual contact while blocking any opportunity for true intimacy. I can see it now, the eye contact…the pulling out of the dick, it is placed through the glory hole, and it is sucked for a while…Then there's a pause, a whisper, he enters and strips…slowly turns around while the head of a dick is placed FIRMLY @ the entrance to his ass…WILL HE SAY NO, LET’S GET A CONDOM?

In the heat of the moment, he allows himself to be taken and in the back of his mind, he KNOWS he is doing something that can AND will hurt him…Or has he convinced himself that this one isolated, unprotected sexual encounter will NOT lead to his ultimate demise? Risky behavior is VERY appealing to us. The rush that it provides makes us feel SO ALIVE! When will this behavior cease? I don’t think it will cease until society STOPS beating down young gay boys mentally, physically AND spiritually. All of the negative action towards young boys INNOCENTLY being themselves causes us to grow into men that have distrust for each other.

Many gay men learned @ a very young age to be dishonest and deceitful, all to conceal their true identity, as it was deemed devilish, ungodly, or plain perverted. This behavior simply perpetuates itself throughout one's life. Before long, a person begins to believe that how they are living is "acceptable," therefore projecting their lies and bullshit onto others, who are unsuspecting and being hurt in the process. Do you see the vicious cycle? As desire turned into a need that ends up costing us our lives, we tell ourselves that we could get away with "just one more" unprotected sex act. One turned into hundreds, maybe even thousands. While I have no qualms about promiscuity, I tend to question if we TRULY LOVE ourselves? I get our need to be fulfilling in all aspects of the sex we are having, but SAFE SEX is ABSOLUTELY necessary. TOO many of us have yet to mature physically, mentally, and spiritually to the point where we can connect on a REAL level with another man. Somewhere DEEP down inside, there is a voice telling SO many of us that sleeping with men is wrong.

NO matter how much education is available to us, or how many individuals we see lose their lives to HIV/AIDS, the reality is that this behavior will continue to perpetuate itself and I am left writing entries like this, asking myself questions like what could I have done to help so and so? Why didn’t I know they needed someone? I suppose I will forever wonder if those men that passed possessed some sort of subconscious death-wish, or were they simply being real human?

8 comments:

  1. I mostly agree with your points on all the little things young boys (and young men) have to endure while growing up. And mostly speaking from my own experience of much abuse as a child, it remains hard for me to associate risk and actions (not limited to just sexual acts, either). Once, a shrink told me that my ability to assess risk/risky behaviours is off.

    Although, not to put all the blame on that theory either; we're adults and we have a functioning brain (I hope I do) and can make decisions. I don't think it's a subconscious death wish, but perhaps a collection of other subconscious (negative) things, and all triggered at the same time....

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  2. As long as we, the same gender loving community, are marginalised by the greater society, there will be members of our culture who suffer from low self-esteem and engage in risky and destructive behaviors. This is an unfortunate and sad fact.

    We, who are somewhat more fortunate, need to arm ourselves with patience, tolerance and understanding and at every available opportunity, reach out to our brothers and encourage them to protect themselves. It is all too obvious that our broader society doesn't give a damn about us. We ARE our brother's keeper.

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  3. I couldn't agree with you more, it appears that so many of us go to great lengths just to be with another man in a sexual manner that we jeopardize our health both mental and physical.

    I strongly feel that some of the gay men that are HIV positive have adopted the notion that "what will be will be." So many have lost their respect for ever living a normal life and having that special someone in their lives unconditionally that they just toss in the towel.

    Affinity no! Low self esteem, carelessness, thoughtless and shame are all leading factors as to why so many gay HIV positive men play the risky game. Sad but true.

    There is the old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." It is the responsibility of all of us to take better care of self and look out for our brothas as well. Taking responsibility for our health and lives.

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  4. I'm sorry but you can't make sweeping statements putting all gay men in one general category. WE don't do the things you described in this post. I guess many gay men do but you simply cannot speak for all.

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  5. CUP-O-NOODLES - I WAS GOING TO MENTION THAT WE ARE ADULTS, BUT I THOUGHT THAT WASN'T IN LINE WITH WHAT I WAS FEELING FOR THE GAY MEN THAT DIED FROM HIV.

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  6. ROGER - WE CERTAINLY ARE OUR BROTHER'S KEEPER, BUT HOW CAN YOU KEEP YOUR BROTHERS WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE KEPT?

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  7. CHET - I THINK WHEN YOU WROTE "SO MANY HAVE LOST THEIR RESPECT FOR LIVING" THAT REALLY OPENED MY EYES TO SOMETHING SO REAL, SO TRUE.

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  8. ANONYMOUS - WHEN I WRITE AN ENTRY, I WRITE ABOUT A PARTICULAR TRUTH THAT EXIST & I KNOW THAT NOT ALL GAY MEN DO THE THINGS THAT I WRITE ABOUT...SO DO I NEED TO PUT A DISCLAIMER WITH EVERY ENTRY STATING THE OBVIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS BLOG? MEANING NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME...

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